Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 8

80h: Robert Hays / Joe "King" Carrasco & The Crowns, 14 Karat Soul

Robert Hays' Monologue

.....Robert Hays
.....Gail Matthius

Robert Hays: Hi! Alright, I'm Robert Hays! You knew that! Really, we're ready to go, so I just want to say to all of you: We're really gonna have a good time tonight. Huh? Huh!

There's going to be something a little different on the show this evening. Now, from time to time, you'll notice on the lower part of your television screen, a number.. [ number "19" in a box pops up ] this one. Now, this is something that the network has devised, it's an instant Nielsen rating. This way, the network brass can monitor, line by line, exactly what Nielsen families like, and what they don't like, and they can fix things accordingly. [ numbers start rising ] There, you see? It's in action! You see, the Nielsen families are watching me live, at this very minute. They really like the fact that we're talking about them, and we care so much about them, so the numbers are going up! Thank you, Nielsen families.

You know, I have to say, I've always wondered something. Who are these Nielsen families, anyway? I mean, if they're the ones who decide what's on TV, they must be a bunch of complete idiots with no taste at all! [ numbers start decreasing in value ] Even if they are just the total jerks that they apparently are, what right do they have to impose their will on the rest of us?! Huh?! Huh?! I mean, what right do they have?! Huh?! Huh?! What right do they have to impose their will on the rest of us?! Huh?! Huh?! What right do they have? Come on!

[ Gail Matthius runs onstage to point out that the numbers decreasing into the teens ]

D'oh!! [ stuttering ] Incest! [ numbers reach single digits ] J.R.! "Dukes of Hazzard!" Sheep! [ numbers start rising again ] Sorry about that! Everything's okay now. We'll be right back.

SNL Transcripts