Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 9

80i: Sally Kellerman / Jimmy Cliff

Pillow Pets

Husband.....Gilbert Gottfried
Wife.....Ann Risley

[ open on married couple's bedroom, night ]

Wife: I don't understand it. I mean, we've talked about this before. I thought we had come to an agreement, and yet you still persist.

Husband: I thought he needed to get out.

Wife: FIVE times a day?! You need to take the dog out FIVE times a day?

Husband: When you have a dog, you have to take them for walks.

Wife: The, wha -- well, you never pay that much attention to me.

Husband: Well... we walk. The dog doesn't mind when you come along.

Wife: Well -- it's not just the walking. I mean, the whole thing! I mean, I look in the closet, and I see FIVE coats for the dog!

Husband: It's Winter.

Wife: Wha -- this is too much! I mean, this is just too mich! I mean, I wouldn't mind it if it was a REAL dog! [ she picks up a pillow with a cat's face stitched into it ] But, THIS!

Husband: That's not the dog. That's the cat.

Wife: Oh, okay! [ she grabs the dog pillow ] THIS one! The DOG, the CAT! What difference does it make?!

Husband: It makes a very big difference -- I don't like the cat. If you want the cat, you have the cat.

Wife: [ exasperated ] No, I don't want the cat, I don't want the dog!

Husband: Why'd you marry me for?

Wife: Well -- it's just that I thought any man who could show THAT much love for these would have a lot of love to give me.

Husband: Well, you were wrong. And don't hold them so close-- they start to fight.

Wife: Oh! That would bother you if they start to fight? Oh!

[ she makes the pillows fight with one another, as her husband screams in pain ]


Wife: [ she throws the pillows down ] Alright, THAT'S it! I'm going to my mother's!

[ she frantically packs an overnight bag from the closet ]

Husband: Does -- does this mean you're not coming back?

Wife: I don't know.

Husband: Well, if you decide to come back... can you bring some dog food? [ he swats the cat ] Nothing for you.

Wife: Look -- what am I supposed to tell my mother? That I lost you to soem stuffed thing?

Husband: Nnnno, that's ridiculous. Tell her it was another woman.

Wife: Right. I can't deal with this any more.

[ she exits the bedroom ]

Husband: [ he looks down at his two pillows ] I lied. I love it when you two fight!

[ he makes the pillows attack one another and climbs on top of them across the bed ]

[ fade ]

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