Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 9









80i: Sally Kellerman / Jimmy Cliff

A Message from the President of the United States

President Ronald Reagan.....Charles Rocket
Nancy Reagan.....Gail Matthius
Guests.....Andy Murphy, Terry Sweeney

Announcer: [ over slide ] "The Battle of the World Superpowers" will be delayed tonight, so that we may bring you this message from the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to President Ronald Reagan seated in the Oval Office ]

President Ronald Reagan: Hello! I'm speaking to you tonight about the state of our economy. I regret to say that it's in the worst shape since the Great Depression. It's a complex problem, so I'm going to explan it to you very simply -- just like they explained it to me. Now, here's what a $500 bill was in 1960. [ he holds up a $500 bill ] Today, the same $500 bill is worth... [ he rips it in half ] on-ehalf that much, because of government waste. Who can figure it? To help, I've drawn some simple charts.

[ cut to crude chart drawing ]

Here, you see how Government Spending is running ahead of Government Revenues. And you know what that means:

[ cut to crude drawing of Mr. Taxpayer cursing his bills ]

Poor old Mr. Taxpayer is sweating it out. Now... here's another chart I'e prepared:

[ cut to crude drawing of optical illusion of two lines labeled "One Line" and "Another Line" ]

It's hard to believe, but the two lines are of equal length. It's an optical illusion! But... back to serious stuff. Here's another chart:

[ cut to crude drawing of two angled lines labeled "Life Expectancy" and "My Age", marked "70" and "My birthday yesterday" at their intersection ]

The bottom line is popular life expectancy. The top line is my age. As you see, those two lines met yesterday, on my 70th birthday.

[ return to Reagan at his desk, as Nancy and other guests swarm him with a cake ]

Guests: SURPRIIIIISE!!!!

President Ronald Reagan: Oh... what an unexpected surprise!

[ Reagan blows out the candle, which causes him to pass out headfirst on the cake ]

[ he looks up from the cake and faces the camera, his face covered in frosting ]

President Ronald Reagan: "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!"


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