Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 10







80j: Deborah Harry / Funky 4 + 1 More

Big Brother

Big Brother.....Gilbert Gottfried
Michelle Richards.....Deborah Harry

[ open on close-up of TV screen buzzing, as sunrise imagery appears ]

Female TV V/O: Time to wake up! It's 8:10 a.m., Monday, September 27th. 1984. Your name is Michelle Richards, Social Security Number 505-140-9709, and now for the morning morale.

[ Michelle stretches and rises out of bed ]

Male TV V/O: I feel good. I feel good contributing to the well-being of our industrial index. Bless Big Brother and our powerful nation.

Female TV V/O: And now for... Big Brother!

[ Big Brother's image wipes onto the screen ]

Big Brother: Hello, Michelle Richards. You work for North American International.

Michelle Richards: [ enthusiastically ] Yes, Big Brother!

Big Brother: Your position there is Security.

Michelle Richards: Yes, Big Brother!

Big Brother: You are still employed by that corporation.

Michelle Richards: Yes, Big Brother!

Big Brother: Recite the National Motto.

Michelle Richards: [ collecting her thoughts ] "Discipline is POWER! Government control is FREEDOM!"

Big Brother: Are you in sound body and work-ready?

Michelle Richards: Yes, Big Brother!

Big Brother: You may begin the assigned work day.

Michelle Richards: Yes, Big Brother!

Big Brother: Miss Richards?

Michelle Richards: Yes, Big Brother!

Big Brother: May I call you "Michelle"?

Michelle Richards: Yes, Big Brother!

Big Brother: [ meekly ] Um... Michelle? I-I know I'm Big Brother and everything... but... I-I was wondering if you'd like to go out and have dinner with me sometime.

Michelle Richards: [ taken aback ] Oh... I-I-I don't know what to say. Big Brother asking me to go out for dinner?

Big Brother: I-i-i-if you don't want to, I understand. But, you know, I... well, I-I like you and everything, and I know every day when I address you at the morning registration that I sound very harsh. And I don't mean to, because I-I-I'm a nice guy.

Michelle Richards: Uh, this is so strange, I -- I -- I, uh, I'm just a common worker. Um... I don't know what to say. Uhhh... you should have told me this before.

Big Brother: Well, I-I-I meant to, but... I don't know, I... I thought you were gonna turn me down.

Michelle Richards: So what if I turned you down?

Big Brother: Well, you know, then I'd have to address you every day on the screen, and I'd feel like a shlep.

Michelle Richards: Well, I don't know. I think you're kind of cute!

Big Brother: You're just saying that.

Michelle Richards: No, no, really! Uh, but... but... Big Brother, uhhh...

Big Brother: You can call me "Melvin".

Michelle Richards: Well, Melvin... I-I-I din't know if I really want to get into a relationship right now. Every guy I've been going out with recently, I don't know if it's a coincidence or something, but they've been taken away by the government to be reprogrammed.

Big Brother: [ nervously ] Yeah... I-I-I know that, Michelle.

Michelle Richards: [ naively ] What do you mean, you know?

Big Brother: Well, Michelle, I... I ordered them reprogrammed.

Michelle Richards: You ordered them reprogrammed? Why?

Big Brother: You know. Every week, I'd see you come home with another guy, and I-I'd be watching the two of you --

Michelle Richards: You were watching?!

Big Brother: Well, it's all part of the Big Brother set-up. You know, I-I'm all perched up here --

Michelle Richards: You mean, you were watching when I'm here with no clothes on?

Big Brother: Yeah, but it's not what you think. Y-you see... I like you. And I would love to be with you. And... I don't know... I-I thought if I could get those other guys out of the way, then... maybe I'd build up enough courage to ask you out.

Michelle Richards: We-e-e-ell... I think that's just beautiful.

Big Brother: Well, but... I mean... Michelle. Will -- is it okay? Will you go out with me?

Michelle Richards: Well, yes -- yes, Melvin, I will. Uh... [ Big Brother becomes stone-faced ] Melvin? Melvin! Yes! I said yes, I will.

Big Brother: [ fuming ] I don't want you now, you're too easy.

Michelle Richards: [ outraged ] Wha-a-a-a-at??!

Big Brother: You're TOO easy! You're going to have to be reprogrammed!

[ agents burst through Michelle's door and drag her away ]

Michelle Richards: Oh, Melvin! Oh! Oh, Melvin! Give a girl a chance, Melvin...!

[ camera pans upward into audience and stops on man, with SUPER: "Survived St. Valentine's Day Massacre" ]

[ fade ]


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