Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 10

80j: Deborah Harry / Funky 4 + 1 More

Where's Cooter?

Sister.....Ann Risley
Father.....Charles Rocket
Mama.....Denny Dillon
Cooter.....Gilbert Gottfried
Raylene.....Gail Matthius
Agent.....Matthew Laurance
Audience Members.....Andy Murphy, Yvonne Hudson

[ open on Sister seated on a rustic front porch, as Father exits from the screen door sipping from a can of beer ]

Sister: Wherrre's Cooter?

[ Father sits on the wooden steps next to Mama ]

Father: Where the hell is Cooter, anyhow?

Mama: [ peeling a potato ] Cooter? I ain't seen him for about an hour!

Father: He's bin gone an hour?

Mama: Cooter?

Father: Cooter! He bin gone an hour? Well, he shoulda bin back about a half-hour ago!

Mama: Well, then, he's a half-hour late!

Father: Well, what time did he leave?

Mama: [ thinking ] Well, now... what time is it now?

Father: [ glancing upward ] Well, I reckon by figurin' from the sun, it oughta be about four o'clock in the afternoon!

Mama: Four already. Shoot! Cooter, he went at THREE!

Father: Then he's bin gone about an HOUR!

[ Mama nods her head ]

Sister: Wherrrre's Cooter?

Father: That's what we bin tryin' to find OUT!

Mama: He said... he was goin'! [ to Father ] 'Sides, he's your son.

Father: Well, SHOOT! You married 'im! 'Sides, he's your brother!

Mama: [ confused ] I thought he was YOUR brother?!

Father: Well, who can keep track any more? Anyway, if he's bin gone an hour, that's an awful long time for him to be gone so long!

[ suddenly, Cooter creeps slowly up the path beside the porch ]

Father: Well, here he is now, and none too soon! Where the hell you BIN, boy?!

[ Cooter sips on a tree stump ]

Cooter: Nothin'. I ain't bin doin' nothin'.

Mama: Where you bin, Cooter?!

Cooter: Nothin'. I ain't bin doin' nothin'.

Sister: Wherrrrre's Cooter?

Mama: He's back! He's back now, Sis!

Father: Yeah, he's BACK... but he ain't BIN nowhere, and he ain't bin doin' NOTHIN'!

Cooter: Well, STOP accusin' me, 'cause... I ain't bin nowhere, and I ain't bin doin' nothin'!

Father: Son, that's what I bin accusin' you of, is doin' NOTHIN'! But I know what you SHOULD be doin'! You SHOULD be around back workin' on that DODGE, instead of hoverin' around here doin' NOTHIN'!

Mama: Yeeeah! You should be hoverin' around that DIESEL!

Father: Ya oughtta be back there workin' on that DODGE!

Cooter: Yeah, well, I oughtta be around the back, workin' on that Dodge!

Father: [ shaking his head ] Well, that's a good i-dea! Cooter, why don't ya' just go out on BACK there?!

Cooter: I got a good mind to go back there, and work on that Dodge! I just may do that! I may leave the three of you here, and go around the back and work on that Dodge.

Father: Well, I'll tell you one thing, Boy: You just better DON'T!

Cooter: Well, I ain't goin' to!

Mama: Well, that car's just sittin' there, WAITIN' to be MASHED!

[ suddenly, Raylene runs into the yard, slapping the porch with a flyswatter ]

Raylene: Mama?! Mama?!

Father: Herrre's Raylene.

Raylene: Mama?! On the road! Dust! A stranger's comin'! Mama?!

[ Raylene runs up the porch and slap the door with her flyswatter ]

Mama: Ohhh, she's up to that slappin' thing again!

[ Raylene crashes at Mama's side ]

Raylene: I'm tired, Mama! I'm tired of slappin'!

Father: Then, why don't you just QUIT your damn slappin', girl?!

[ Raylene bunches her dress around her arm and makes a crying sound emit from it ]

Mama: [ to Father ] Now, see what you done? You made the BABY cry!

Father: Well, I shoulda figured!

Raylene: Mama?! My baby's cryin'! Mmmmama! [ she continues crying into her arm ]

Mama: Now, that's alright, little thing, it's gonna be alright! The baby's gonna be alright!

Raylene: Mama?! Now they're BOTH cryin'!

[ Raylene begins crying into both of her arms ]

Mama: Ohhh, now it's just gonna be alright. The babies are gonna be alright, Raylene!

Sister: Babies... bugs... build me a coffin! [ she leans back in her chair ] Wherrrrre's Cooter?

Father: Well, he ain't around back workin' on that DODGE!! [ he kicks Cooter on the side ]

Cooter: Well... stop accusin' me. I ain't doin' NOTHIN'!

[ suddenly, a literary agent enters the yard ]

Agent: Uh -- excuse me, folks! I've got some good news for you! I'm from the Tennessee Williams Authority -- you've just qualified to be a one-act play!

[ the family stares at him dumbfoundedly ]

Agent: THOUSANDS of people all over the WORLD are gonna see you! And the author himself has asked me to invite you for cocktails at breakfast, at his studio in New York! Well? Waht do you say? Huh? Yes or no?

Father: Welllll, uhh... I guess it...

Mama: Well, now, I don't see no harm...

Agent: Well, that means YES, then! Yes, it is! [ he calls out to a crowd behind him ] Come on in! Come on in, that's it!

[ an audience wanders into the yard and places down their folding chairs ]

Agent: [ as he passes out playbills ] That's it! Now -- there'll be no smoking in the first two rows, and, uh, there'll be a brief intermission, and sangria and coffee will be served after the show! Okay? Please enjoy the show!

[ the agent exits the yard, as the family stares into space before picking up where they left off ]

Mama: Cooter? Cooter! Why don't you go somewhere and kill an hour?

Father: Ohhh, yes sir, why don't you just go on around back there and fix up that DODGE! [ he kicks Cooter in the hind quarters ]

Cooter: I might do that. I might go around the back.

Sister: Where's Cooter?

[ Raylene cries into her shoulder, as the audience applauds this first act ]

[ camera pulls back, with SUPER: "Coming Up: Braille Peep Show" ]

[ fade ]

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