Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 12

80l: Bill Murray / Delbert McClinton

It Just Doesn't Matter

... Bill Murray
... cast of "Saturday Night Live"

[Host Bill Murray, wearing jeans and a "Black Forest Lanes" bowling shirt, sits quietly in his dressing room, picking his nose. There's a knock at the door.]

Bill Murray: Come in.

Gilbert Gottfried: [opens door] Uh, Bill, are you busy?

Bill Murray: No.

Gilbert Gottfried: Oh.

[Gilbert enters and all the other cast members file in behind him and take seats in the room. Bill rises to greet them.]

Denny Dillon: Hi, Bill.

Bill Murray: Come on in. Sit down, you know.

[Bill sits on the dressing room sofa, surrounded by the cast who sit all around him, glum and depressed. Long pause as Bill looks them over.]

Bill Murray: So, how's it been goin'?

Eddie Murphy: Well, it ain't exactly so easy, Bill. Everybody keeps comparing us to the old cast.

Ann Risley: And the press hasn't been overly kind.

Bill Murray: Yeah, I read that stuff: "Saturday Night Live is Saturday Night Dead."

Cast: [groans, winces, looks uncomfortable] Oh, come on.

Bill Murray: "From Yuks to Yecch." [cast groans and wretches as if in pain] My favorite, though, is "Vile from New York."

Cast: [groans] Please, Bill.

Bill Murray: [genuinely amused] It's funny. It's funny. [more sympathetic] But, uh, don't let that, uh, bother you, you know. It takes a long time to get started. I mean, a whole new cast, all new writers.

Cast: Yeah. Right.

Bill Murray: What do you expect, you know? The ratings are still fine, you know. Even if your ratings went up higher than the old show, you know...

Cast: Yeah?

Bill Murray: ... people would still say the old show was better, you know?

Cast: [nodding] Uh huh. That's true, that's true.

Bill Murray: Maybe it was. ... But, uh...

Charles Rocket: [as the cast protests mildly] Come on, Bill.

Bill Murray: It doesn't matter! I'm just saying, you know-- So what? What if the show gets canceled and you guys never get to do movies or anything like that?

Cast: Come on! Geez!

Denny Dillon: Don't say that!

Bill Murray: You guys are good. I mean, you know, Charlie, you're very funny. I love those Rocket Reports.

Charles Rocket: You really mean that, Bill?

Bill Murray: [more in sorrow than in anger] People are tellin' me you're imitatin' me, Charlie, though. I don't like to hear that. ... And, uh, watch your mouth. Clean it up. ... Okay? [Charles nods, Bill turns to Gilbert] Who are you? What's your name?

Gilbert Gottfried: Uh, I - I'm Gilbert.

Bill Murray: Gilbert. Gilbert, cheer up for me, will ya, pal? [pats Gilbert's shoulder and head supportively] Huh? Come on. You're a very lucky human being. You're very lucky, you know? Nobody walks up to you on the street and says, "I hated 1941!" -- do they? Well, all right. [to Denny] And, you -- you look very good when you comb your hair. It's nice. Well, you do.

Denny Dillon: Bill, it's supposed to be like this!

Bill Murray: [nods, turns to Ann and Gail] You know, and, uh, you girls are terrific looking, you're great. You know, I still mix you up, I - I can't tell you apart, but it's great, you know. It's like, "Oh, it's that other girl who's very attractive" and so forth.

Ann Risley: [nods] Oh, yeah.

Bill Murray: And, uh, you know, Joe Piscopo, you're great. [someone in the crowd agrees] You know, the whole sports thing. The monosyllabic hollering and stuff.

Joe Piscopo: Thanks, Bill.

Bill Murray: It's inspired, you know, but, uh, are you - are you gonna definitely stick with "Joe Piscopo" as your name?

Joe Piscopo: Uh ... Well, I was born with it, Bill. You know, it's my name.

Bill Murray: Wow. [beat] Well, whatever. ... And, uh, you, Eddie. You're black. ... [Eddie just stares at him] And, uh, that's beautiful, man. That's beautiful. You can do whatever you want. Matt and Pat, Yvonne, those guys are great. Look. Look. You guys need help.

Charles Rocket: Yeah.

Bill Murray: You need a lot of help, really. But, hey -- I saved the old cast, I can do it for you. You know. ... What do you think they were like before I got here, man? Aykroyd -- Dan Aykroyd was weak. I taught him a lot, man.

Cast: Really? Oh, really?

Bill Murray: Belushi was a shadow. Jane Curtin had a serious drinking problem before I--

Charles Rocket: Not Jane!

Denny Dillon: That's amazing. That's really amazing.

Bill Murray: The important thing now is to be "up." You know, you gotta be "up." 'Cuz if you're not "up," I don't look good tonight. You know? You know, the press, they can be terrible to you. [rises] But it doesn't matter, you know?

Cast: Yeah.

Bill Murray: The ratings deal? It just doesn't matter.

Cast: Yeah. Right.

All: It just doesn't matter.

Bill Murray: Right!

All: It just doesn't matter!

Bill Murray: That's right! Confidence! Sure, I haven't done this show in a year. Sure, I could go out there and make a fool of myself. [cast protests, says, "No, no, no."] Sure, I could completely blow everything. I could completely blow everything ...

Charles Rocket: I suppose.

Bill Murray: ... and humiliate myself in front of millions of people on TV.

Cast: Probably, yeah.

Bill Murray: [beat, swallows nervously] It's a very real possibility. ... [pause] I think I'm gonna be sick. [staggers over to make-up table]

Cast: [rising, in concern] Oh, Bill.

Denny Dillon: Bill, are you okay? Bill, are you okay?

Bill Murray: No, I think I'm gonna be sick. Maybe a drink'll help-- [grabs a bottle of liquor off the table, the cast gathers around him]

Gilbert Gottfried: Bill, take it easy. You'll be okay.

Denny Dillon: This guy's a basket case.

Joe Piscopo: Hey, look, look, we carried Elliot Gould, we could carry Bill Murray. No problem-o.

[Bill takes a swig of liquor straight from the bottle. The cast pleads and protests.]

Joe Piscopo: It's like he said, "It just doesn't matter!"

Gail Matthius: Hey, hey, Bill. It really doesn't matter. Here, we're gonna take care of ya, huh? It doesn't matter!

[Quickly, the other cast members start repeating, "It just doesn't matter!" with increasing energy and intensity until Bill joins in and they are all chanting loudly and hopping up and down in a huge group hug, like some kind of insane pep rally cheer.]

It just doesn't matter!
It just doesn't matter!
It just doesn't matter!
It just doesn't matter!
It just doesn't matter!
It just doesn't matter!
It just doesn't matter!

Bill Murray: Let's go get 'em!

[They all turn, waving clenched fists and pointing fingers, and yell enthusiastically into the camera:]

All: Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!

Submitted Anonymously

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