Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 6: Episode 12
















80l: Bill Murray / Delbert McClinton

Script in Development

Author.....Bill Murray
Helen Stewart #1/Mrs. Lawnsdale/Maid.....Ann Risley
Helen Stewart #2.....Denny Dillon
Mr. Lawnsdale.....Charles Rocket
Mr. Stewart.....Matthew Laurance

[ open on Author seated at typewriter on a darkened set ]

Author: [ reciting ] "Love Is Rough -- Chapter One".

[ the set lights up ]

Author: "It was a beautiful night." No. "It was a dark and stormy night."

[ lightning flashes outside ]

Author: "Helen Stewart strode into her library... and caught her reflection in the mirror."

[ Helen Stewart enters to the center of the room, looks around for the mirror and runs toward it ]

Author: "Short, cute, and blonde as a button."

[ Helen #1 throws her arms up in disgust and trades places with the more appropriate Helen #2 ]

Author: "Just then, there was a knock at the door!"

[ a knock sounds at the door -- Helen #2 runs over ]

Author: "It was Mr. and Mrs. Lawnsdale, coming over for their weekly bridge game."

[ Helen opens the door to Mr. and Mrs. Lawnsdale ]

Author: No, that's no good. Let's get Mrs. Lawnsdale out of there.

[ Mrs. Lawnsdale throws up her arms in disgust and exits the room ]

Author: "It was just Carl Lawnsdale." That's it! "-- who was Helen's secret lover."

[ Mr. Lawnsdale goes to shake Helen's hand, but then pulls her closer to him ]

Author: "Unable to restrain themselves any longer, they fell into a passionate embrace."

[ Mr. Lawnsdale bends over to kiss Helen ]

Author: "--on the couch."

[ Mr. Lawnsdale wraps Helen in his arms and hops her over to the couch ]

Author: "Carl moaned aloud:"

Mr. Lawnsdaler: Helen!

Author: "-- and Helen moaned back:"

Helen: Carl!

[ they grunt in unison ]

Author: "But fate was not on their side. Because, at that moment, who should come rushing into the room, but Helen's husband!"

[ Helen's husband enters the room, as Helen and Mr. Lawnsdale bolt upright from the couch ]

Author: "-- a tragic cripple from birth."

[ the scene resets, as Helen's husband hobbles comically into the room ]

Author: No, that's no good. No, no, no, no -- he was BLIND! "He was blind."

[ Helen's husband sits next to Helen and Mr. Lawnsdale on the couch and begins to motion his hands over their faces ]

Author: "Blinded with jealousy."

[ Helen's husband stands and steps back from the couple ]

Author: And, uh, "-- pulled a GUN from his pocket and furiously snarled:"

Mr. Stewart: I don't know WHICH of you to SHOOT!!

Author: "He chose his wife."

[ the Jilted Husband shoots his wife -- gun shot ]

Author: "She screamed --"

[ the Wife screams upon being shot ]

Author: "-- and fell to the couch."

[ she starts to fall away from the couch, but Mr. Lawnsdale pulls into the other direction and allows her to fall to the couch ]

Author: No, that's no good. "Instead, he lets Old Man Lawnsdale have it."

[ the Jilted Husband shoots Mr. Lawnsdale -- gun shot ]

Author: Yeah, that's it. "He -- Lawnsdale falls to the ground."

[ Mr. Lawnsdale falls to the ground ]

Author: No, no, that's no good. He, uh -- he, uh -- "He falls backwards over the couch and slams his head through the Plate-Glass window."

[ Mr. Lawnsdale looks toward the author like he's insane, but complies with the storyline and sprawls across the edge of the couch and slams his head through the Plate-Glass window -- glass shatters ]

Author: No, I don't like that, either. "Instead, he staggers around the room, wildly, blindly." [ Mr. Lawnsdale stands up and staggers ] "Finally, smashing against the bookcase, pulling the entire works of Leo Tolstoy down on his crumpled, lifeless body."

[ Mr. Lawnsdale staggers into the bookcase, cradles the books into his arms and falls to the ground ]

Author: That's good. Okay: "Helen is horrified, and lets out a scream."

[ Helen screams ]

Author: "-- a blood-curdling scream."

[ Helen turns her scream up a notch ]

Author: "The most blood-curdling scream ever heard in the history of man."

[ Helen screams with full intensity ]

Author: Okay, that's it. "She belches and storms out of the room."

[ Helen forces a burp and runs from the room gasping with her arms outstretched ]

Author: Uh -- "Mr. Stewart laughs maniacally."

[ he laughs maniacally ]

Author: "-- and then slams himself right in the center of his foreheart with his right fist."

[ confused, Mr. Stewart punches himself in the chest and the forehead ]

Author: Yeah! "Just then, alarmed by the noises coming from the room, the maid, Mimi van Boom rushes in."

[ a pretty maid enters ]

Author: "She is pitifully old and ugly! no one can stand the sight of her! She smells and she stinks!"

[ Mr. Stewart cowers away, as the Maid slouches toward him ]

Author: "No one can stand her, that is, except Mr. Stewart, who is desperately in love with her."

[ Mr. Stewart drops to one knee before the maid ]

Author: "-- despite the fact that she sneezes constantly, has a tubercular cough, drools all over him, and brushes her dandruff into his face."

[ the Maid performs all these disgusting habits over Mr. Stewart ]

Author: "But fate was NOT on their side! For at that moment, WHO should come dashing into the room... but HELEN!"

[ Helen rushes into the room ]

Author: She let out a yelp:"

[ Helen yelps ]

Author: Uh -- "The discovered livers -- l-l-l-livers -- lovers -- the LOVERS! -- freeze in panic!"

[ the scene freezes, as the Author contemplates what he has written ]

Author: Let's see... I don't know about this. Let's go over it.

[ Mr. Stewart drops the maid to the floor ]

[ he rips the page from the typewriter, as the characters collect themselves and exit the set ]

Author: Alright. [ reading ] "It was a beautiful night." No, no, no. "It's a dark and stormy night." [ lightning strikes ] Uh -- "Helen comes into the room, she sees herself in the mirror --" [ the maid runs into the room and toward the mirror ] "She's short, blonde, and cute as a button." [ the Maid runs off as Helen takes her position ] "There's a knock at the door." [ a knock sounds from the door ] "It's Mr. and Mrs. Lawnsdale --" No, no. "It's just Carl Lawnsdale." [ Mr. Lawnsdale enters the room ] "They're secret lovers, they embrace, they fall on the couch -- they moan, he moans, she moans." [ moaning and grunting from the couch ] Uh -- "Enter the husband." [ Mr. Stewart enters ] "He's crippled..." Uh, no, no, no, no. "He's blind." [ Mr. Stewart hobbles to the couch, then feels his wife's face ] Uh -- "He pulls out the gun, he shoots her, she falls on the couch." [ Helen is shot ] No, no, no. "He shoots him!" [ Mr. Lawnsdale is shot ] "He falls on the ground..." No, no, no, no! "He falls backward over the couch and slams into the Plate-Glass window..." [ Mr. Stewart steps around the couch and smaskes the window with his fist ] No, that's not right, either. "He staggers over the room, he falls over, goes into the bookcase, pulls down the books of Leo Tolstoy on the shelf." [ Mr. Stewart falls from the bookcase ] "Just then, Helen belches and runs out of the room." [ she runs ] "The man laughs, but maniacally punches himself in the head." [ he laughs ] "The old bag maid comes into the room." [ the Maid rushes in ] "She's old, she's ugly, she stinks, she smells, she drools, she dribbles, she rubs her dandruff all over his face. He loves her." [ they embrace wildly ] Uh -- "Then a woman comes into the room, she yelps!" [ Helen yelps ]

[ the Author glances at this trash ]

Author: I don't like this. It's too artsy!

[ he crumples his page and puts a new sheet into the typewriter ]

Author: I need a whole new approach, I think. Let's see... [ he types ] "I Gave My Heart to the Czar -- Chapter One".

[ the lights dim, as the characters exit the set ]

Author: "It was a dark and stormy night..."

[ fade ]


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