Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 6: Episode 12

80m: (None) / Jr. Walker & The All-Stars

Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

.....Chevy Chase
Raheem Abdul Monhammed.....Eddie Murphy
.....Laurie Metcalf
.....Al Franken

Announcer: [ snooty ] This edition of "Weekend Update" is brought to you by... Smitt-Burney. Where we make money the old-fashioned way -- WE STEAL IT!

[ dissolve to Chevy Chase on the phone at the news desk ]

Announcer: And now, "Weekend Update", with Chevy Chase.

Chevy Chase: No, no... I think just a firm and gentle tug on the string, and... [ he snaps his fingers, then sees the camera ] Gotta go! [ he hangs up ] Good evening. I'm Chevy Chase, and... you still aren't.

In the top of the news tonight... [ he flips a sheet over ] The war in El Salvador ended today, apparently, when the last villager in the entire country was shot in the head.

Well, actress MacKenzie Phillips and her father John Phillips said today that they have been offered all forms of drugs for one full year, but have finally gotten their heads together. Here they are seen celebrating having just announced their wedding plans.

As you all know, there has been a controversy over the so-called missing jokes of President Reagan, told between a Hilton Hotel and George Washington University Hospital. We at "Weekend Update" have located the missing jokes. The first, told between Avenue M and 19th Street, was: "Are we in Philadelphia, or are you just glad to see me?" The second, told as the limosine passed a red light on Avenue P, was: "I feel like a hundred dollars." Secret Servicemen next chuckled when President Reagan said: "Who's on first?" There will be more jokes upcoming, we're sure!

This, uh -- [ Chevy attempts to say "This just in", but trips on his tongue and playfully sputters gibberish to the audience's delight ]

This just in from Israel, where Talmudic scholars claim to have unearthed startling evidence that God may be Black. According to the report, the original Hebrew of the Old Testement, which is mistranslated, and the passage was: "I am that I am" should read: "I is what I is." More on this story as it develops.

Alexander Haig, on his trip to the Mideast, stopped off at the Vatican to visit Pope John Paul, where he discovered that the Pope was away. Haig immediately announced: "I'm in control here." [ points to the Pope's photo ] The Pope!

Chevy Chase: Well, with a look at what's going on in cinema, here's "Weekend Update" film critic Raheem Abdul Mohammed.

Raheem Abdul Mohammed: Thank you, Chevy Chase! Look here -- last week I went to see "Stir Crazy" over at the Twin Theater on 42nd at Broadway. Now, I like Twin Theater -- I see all my movies at Twin Theater. But I wish I hadn't seen "Stir Crazy", 'cause, see, I was confused. Now, I don't know why people are saying "Stir Crazy" is so funny. First of all, they had Gene Wilder in this isolation tank for half the movie, with these wires and whatnot all over him, right? Then, later on, his arms start swelling up and he turns into a caveman! I didn't think that part was funny. Then, when he was in the hour, Gene Wilder's feet turned into MONKEY feet! And the most ridiculous part about it was, later on, Gene Wilder turned into Richard Pryor... and was running around the city buck-naked with some dogs chasing him. I had to feel bad for him. They must have filmed that part after he got burnt or something, I didn't think that was him. Then he went to the zoo and threw soem rocks at a deer -- I didn't understand that, either. And then all of a sudden, Gene Wilder was laying on the rock buck-naked again. That was too deep for me. Don't take your kids. And another thing -- people you see on the commercials, they be talking about: "We bad, that's right." I didn't see that in the WHOLE movie! So if somebody walk up to you and say, "Hey, man, you see 'Stir Crazy'?" You tell them Raheem Abdul Mohammed told you it wasn't very damn funny! Back to you, Chevy Chase.

Chevy Chase: Thank you, Raheem.

Raheem Abdul Mohammed: You welcome!

[ Chevy holds out his hand for a shake ]

Raheem Abdul Mohammed: You want to buy some reefer?

[ Chevy glances off-camera ]

Raheem Abdul Mohammed: We talk about that later, Chevy.

Chevy Chase: At a press conference in Moscow this week, Soviet Premier Leonid Breznev proclaimed that he would give the Polish Communist Party more time to work out its problems. Putting his hands over his eyes, the president then said: [ puts his hands over his eyes ] "One-thousand one... one-thousand three..." [ he lowers his hands ] Then he did this: [ he rips a sheet in paper in half ] I don't know why!

[ image: train wreck ] Well, it was a bad day for the Little Engine That Could. It couldn't, and it didn't.

Chevy Chase: Actor Jimmy Stewart said last week that he'd take a bullet for the President. We sent "Weekend Update" reporter Laurie Metcalf to ask New Yorkers if they, like Jimmy Stewart, would take a bullet for the President, and if so, where?

[ cut to New York street scenes ]

Laurie Metcalf V/O: Would you take a bullet for the President?

Random New Yorker: Uh -- no, ma'am. No.

Laurie Metcalf V/O: Is there someone you would take a bullet for?

Random New Yorker: Yes, I would, uh, I would take a bullet for, uh, my family or my children or my wife or my loved ones, something like that.

[ cut to another New Yorker ]

Random New Yorker: I would take any particular part of my body to protect the President from any assault or any harm to himself.

[ cut to Metcalf and a New Yorker ]

Laurie Metcalf V/O: Jimmy Stewart said, when President Reagan was wounded, that he would have taken the bullet. Would you take a bullet for a president?

Random New Yorker: [ leaning into the microphone ] Why not? It's our patriotic duty to defend our president.

[ cut to Metcalf with another New Yorker ]

Laurie Metcalf V/O: Would you take a bullet for a president?

Random New Yorker: Nope.

[ cut to another New Yorker ]

Random New Yorker: No.

Laurie Metcalf V/O: Who would you take a bullet for?

Random New Yorker: I'd take it for my mother, that's it.

[ cut to another New Yorker ]

Random New Yorker: Honestly speaking? Uh -- I would.

[ cut to another New Yorker ]

Random New Yorker: Not on the tri-system of justice, no way! Unfortunately for us, what would be the point?

Laurie Metcalf V/O: Who would you take a bullet for?

Random New Yorker: When this country gets back to law-and-order, THAT'S when I think about taking a bullet the president!

[ cut to another New Yorker ]

Random New Yorker: I wouldn't take it for the president, if he wouldn't take it for me.

[ cut to another New Yorker ]

Laurie Metcalf V/O: Would you take a bullet for the President?

Random New Yorker: Sure.

Laurie Metcalf V/O: Uh -- where would you take the bullet?

Random New Yorker: Anywhere it was coming -- head, chest, stomach...

Laurie Metcalf V/O: If you could choose?

Random New Yorker: If I could choose? Yeah, I'd rather take it in the arm.

[ cut to another New Yorker ]

Random New Yorker: I would take it in the brain.

[ cut to another New Yorker ]

Random New Yorker: Probably, I would try to take it in my arm or my leg.

[ cut to another New Yorker ]

Random New Yorker: Well, I'm not gonna take it in the head.

[ cut to another New Yorker ]

Random New Yorker: I never gave it a thought.

[ cut to another New Yorker ]

Random New Yorker: I'd probably jump up high -- that way, if the bullet came, it would probably hit in the chest or something... or maybe in the back. It wouldn't be enough to kill, but enough to cripple, and at the same time, my thought, being a friend of the president, would block him.

[ cut to another New Yorker ]

Random New Yorker: That's a tough question to ask, would I take it for someone else. No one could answer that. To be honest with you, I really don't know.

[ cut to Laurie Metcalf ]

Laurie Metcalf: That's how New Yorkers feel. This is Laurie Metcalf, "Weekend Update".

[ dissolve to Weekend Update slide ]

[ dissolve back to Chevy at the news desk, trying to flick a booger off of his fingers ]

[ Chevy looks up, surprised to see the camera on him ]

Chevy Chase: Thank you!

Secretary of State Alexander Haig is also visiting the Middle East and Spain. While in Spain, the Secretary got a case of the Touristas. Haig held a news conference and said, "I'm in control."

Speaking of Spain, Generalissimo FRancisco Franco remains deceased at this time. For up-to-the-minute news concerning any change in his condition, please stay tuned to this station.

A sad piece of news came in today from the Bedford Hills Prison, where Jean Harris is serving a sentence of fifteen years. At noon yesterday, she made her second suicide attempt. Two cellmates, three wardens, and a priest were killed.

Well, Las Vegas psychic Tamara Rand announced today that she is changing her name to "Yesterday". She gave no reason for her decision. [ glancing at news sheet ] The writer's strike continues...

In a comprehensive report released by the White House to the Senate Foreign Relations Committee today, the administration announced that, heretofore, the nations of South Africa, Zaire, Angola, Chad, Ethiopia, and Liberia.

In an attempt to modernize its services, the Catholic Church has introduced something new into Communion. In addition to dispensing the host, priests will now, also, dispense a co-host, which symbolizes the body of Mike Douglas.

[ Chevy pushes his news sheet off the side of the desk ]

Despite the recent attack on his father, it's business-as-usual for Ronald Reagan, Jr., shown here dancing in the ballet: "The Flaming Dip."

In people today, Erik Estrada, the actor, severely lacerated the inside portion of his ankle recently, while merely attempting to start his motorycle during the filming of a "CHiPs" episode. The 1000 CC bike then fell on his hair and hand, causing inexplicable publicity. Sources close to Estrada said they laughed and laughed.

Chevy Chase: [ holding up news sheet ] Hey, look at this!

[ image: two Sammy Davis, Jrs. on a stamp ] This just in, again: Here's a mint issue of Zimbabwe's first Air Mail stamp. [ Chevy appears confused ]

More really bad news for the Columbia space shuttle. Not only has a take-off been delayed for over two years, but at two o'clock today, Lt. Strickland of the Canaveral Police issued the shuttle a parking ticket, with fines exceeding $3 million. [ he chuckles ] "We tried to be lenient," the lieutenant said, "but they've been here two years, and it is a six-hour zone."

Chevy Chase: And now, to talk about the new "Saturday Night Live" staf and, of course, himself, is former "Weekend Update" correspondent, Mr. Al Franken. Al?

Al Franken: Thanks, Chevy. It's nice to see someone else from the old show. [ he smiles impishly ] You know, most of you probably know me, Al Franken... [ SUPER: "Al Franken" ] from the Al Franken Decade reports I did last year. Or from the Franken & Davis shows that my partner, Tom Davis, and I did over the five years of the original "Saturday Night Live". Now, during the past six months, I have suffered countless instances of personal embarrassment, from people coming up to me, Al Franken... [ SUPER: "Al Franken" ] and saying, "Hey, Al! Al Franken! Are you still writing for the show?" Or, "Al! Al Franken! How's the show going?" Well, I'm here tonight to set the record straight. I am not involved, in any way, with the new "Saturday Night Live".

[ the audience applauds ]

Now, there's been a lot of articles on how "Saturday Night" fell apart. [ he holds up a TV Guide ] Now, here's one in this week's TV Guide. It's a pretty good one, it's okay. [ he opens to an inner page, headlined: "The Debacle of the Year" ] I don't know if you can see that, but... the real story has never been told... 'til tonight. And you can believe it, because it's coming from me, Al Franken. [ SUPER: "Al Franken" ]

You see, Lorne Michaels, the producer of "Saturday Night", decided after last season that it was time to go on to different things. [ pull back to bring Chevy Chase into the shot ] Now, he figured the first season had been great. Then, Chevy left. And the show, of course, got even better. Then -- then after the fourth year, Danny and John left. Now, them -- them, we missed. [ return to close-up of Al ] So, after five golden years, Lorne decided to leave. And so did those close to him, including me, Al Franken. [ SUPER: "Al Franken" ]

So, NBC had to pick a new producer. Now, most knowledgeable people, as you might imagine, hoped it would be me, Al Franken. [ SUPER: "Al Franken" ] But instead, without consulting the show's staff or cast, NBC picked Jean Doumanian, an associate producer on the show. Now, I don't want to be cruel to Jean -- because it might make you think less of me, Al Franken. [ SUPER: "Al Franken" ] Anyway, it took NBC twelve shows to figure out their horrendous mistake. And a month ago, they fired Jean. Okay, now, who do they pick to rectify the original error? Someone who knows what he's doing? Someone like me, Al Franken? [ SUPER: "Al Franken" ] No, they picked Dick Ebersol. Now, I know Dick because he was a network executive in charge of late-night programming when "Saturday Night" started, and, as such, was the first person to steal credit for the success of "Saturday Night", credit which should rightfully go to Lorne Michaels and me, Al Franken. [ SUPER: "Al Franken" ]

Now, let me give you some background on Dick "Mr. Humor" Ebersol. His credits include "The Waverly Wonders" starring Joe Namath, "Rollergirls", and a show called "Valerie" about a kid from Brooklyn who dances every night at a disco. Now, to this day, Dick claims that he never saw "Saturday Night Fever", and that it was all an amazing coincidence. Anyway, I know Dick, and I can tell you that he doesn't know dick. [ laughter and applause ]

Okay. Now, the show is going to be a little better. No English-speaking person could do a worse job than Jean. But it's clearly time to yank this tired old format off the air. So if you're wondering what you can do for me, Al Franken... [ SUPER: "Al Franken" ] please write a card or letter to:

Put SNL To Sleep
30 Rockefeller Plaza
New York, New York 10020

Let's put this show out of its misery! You'll be doing a great favor for yourselves, and for me, Al Franken. [ SUPER: "Al Franken" ] Thank you!

Chevy Chase: Thank you, Al. Al, you're actually going to be hosting the show next week, is that right?

Al Franken: Yeah. It'll be, uh -- my partner Tom Davis, and, uh, and me, Al Franken. [ SUPER: "Al Franken" ] We'll be hosting, and our special guest will be The Grateful Dead.

Chevy Chase: Well, thanks, Al.

Al Franken: Yeah. So watch next week, but not after that.

Chevy Chase: Thank you, Al.

[ they stare one another down for a moment ]

Chevy Chase: This just in. [ Chevy glances at the page, then puts it down ]

Well, how long does it take to cook a baby in a microwave oven? Exactly 55 seconds per pound, claims Mrs. Nelson Lynde of Glancing Blow, Michigan, who turned this smally fry into a small roast in just eight minutes and fifteen seconds. And to that, let me add: Well done! [ he laughs ]

Chevy Chase: And that's the news on this, the 81st day of the freedom for the hostages from Iran. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[ the camera holds on Chevy for an extended period, as he sips from a glass of water while waiting for the scene to fade ]

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