Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 7: Episode 2

81b: Susan St. James / The Kinks

She's A Pig

Peter.....Tim Kazurinsky
Ellen.....Mary Gross
Paulette Clooney.....Robin Duke
Peter's Mother.....Christine Ebersole

[ open on interior, fancy restaurant. Peter sits alone at a booth as Ellen passes by. ]

Ellen: Peter?

Peter: [ surprised ] Ellen.

Ellen: I don't believe this! Of all people -- well, fancy this!

Peter: It's good to see you. [ she sits in his booth ] Um... why don't you join me, for a few moments?

Ellen: Well, I can only stay a few moments -- I'm off to meet a client. I suppose you, too, are meeting someone?

Peter: Yes, uh... my fiancee.

Ellen: Oh. Well... how lovely. I'm very happy for you.

Peter: So, how are you?

Ellen: Oh... [ she laughs nervously ]

Peter: What's so funny?

Ellen: Oh, nothing. It's just that I've really dreaded this moment.

Peter: Well, so have I.

Ellen: It seems so strange to see someone that you've been intimate with. It makes you feel as if you've never known the person at all. But you have! But you act like you don't! It just seems so strange... so different... so formal. [ she smiles ] So, how have you been? [ she laughs ]

Peter: Fine. I've changed! I golf!

Ellen: Oh, you do? How interesting.

Peter: Yeah, I suppose. [ they laugh ] And yourself?

Ellen: Oh, nothing much. I slashed my wrist. [ she holds up her wrist, as Peter looks concerned ] Oh, don't worry, it was nothing -- just a Lady Gillette. I went straight to the hospital, and they put a Band-aid on it.

Peter: Oh.

Ellen: Oh, Peter! Don't be so dramatic! It's something I'vealways wanted to say I've done! [ she laughs ]

Peter: Well, I-I don't want you to think it was easy for me. I was pretty devastated, too. It took someone very special to help me get over that rough time. And I-I-I've found someone. She's... she's quite a woman. She's a real woman. Her name's Paulette. We're so different, now. We're worlds apart. It shouldn't work, but it does.

Ellen: Well, congratulations! I suppose I would have preferred to have found you down and out, lying in a gutter. Well, maybe not a gutter... but sitting on a curb looking sad.

Peter: Well, Paulette is truly a remarkable woman.

Ellen: Nice segueway.

Peter: She's so full of life, uh...

[ suddenly, Paulette appears behind them, annoyed by Ellen's presence ]

Paulette: Who the HELL are you?!

Peter: [ surprised ] Paulette! Uh... uh, this is Ellen.

Paulette: Don't try to worm your way out of it! Where the HELL were you?! [ she crashes into the booth ] Jeez! I was sitting down at the Cafe Ole for tow hours waiting for you, like some kind of a NUT! Where the HELL where you?! I'll tell you THIS much -- on top of that, I got all these GREASEBALLS hitting on me! [ she points to Ellen ] I'll tell you -- a single broad CANNOT enjoy a drink alone these days! Am I right? [ Ellen nods sheepishly ]

Paulette: [ to Peter ] So, anyway, listen to this -- [ she removes her fur coat, revealing a strapless bra hanging on for dear life ] This one moose comes up to me -- right? -- tells me he'll give me twenty bucks to pull my top out like this: [ she pulls her bra out, as Peter looks away ] So I SMASHED him in the FACE! [ she laughs ] Oh, geez, look at that! I broke a nail! [ she dips her nail in Peter's drink, wipes it with a napkin, then rubs the napkin under her arm ]

Peter: I left a message at your hotel.

Paulette: Well, I didn't GO to my hotel! Okay? I thought it was on for the Cafe Ole! Geez, you're lucky I seen you through the window of this joint, I was headin' home! [ she looks at Ellen ] Who's the dame?

Peter: This is Ellen. I introduced her already.

Paulette: Oh, cut me a break, would you, Petey? Why'd I ask "Who's the dame?" if you told me already?

Peter: [ exasperated ] Paulette, this is Ellen; Ellen, Paulette.

Ellen: Charmed.

Paulette: Yeah, I'm sure. [to Peter ] Where's the can?

Peter: [ pointing ] Across the lobby and down the stairs.

Paulette: Yeah, well, order me a couple of drafts, babe. Black, if they got 'em. Okay? I'm going to the toilet to turn myself up a bit. [ to Ellen ] Hey -- no offense, toots!

[ Paulette exits to the bathroom ]

Ellen: She's a pig! [ Peter gives her a dirty look ] But not in the bad sense, though. It's just that she's so... so bovine.

Peter: [ annoyed ] You're being sarcastic!

Ellen: Right! Why bother to wait? It's only sarcasm. She's a pig!

Peter: You know, first impressions are --

Ellen: First impressions are usually right on the money, Petey -- she's a pig!

Peter: Well, why don't you just knock it off, huh? You're jealous, that's all!

Ellen: Cut me a break, will 'ya? We're talking USDA! We're talking pork on the hoof!

Peter: I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave!

Ellen: Again? Yeah, well, I better make room for the sty.

Peter: Wait a minute! You just wait! She's WONDERFUL! She's full of life! She can drink ANY guy under the table!

Ellen: Such a rare quality these days. Peter, I'm sorry. Listen, uh, can I buy you a drink? No hard feelings, okay? [ Peter nods ] Okay! Uh, Waiter? A dry martini for the gentleman, and could you pour a keg of beer in a trough for the lady?

Peter: [ aggravated ] You just don't understand! She -- she can take me places I've never been before!

Ellen: Yeah? Well, I hope they have penicillin there!

Peter: That's ENOUGH, alright?!

Ellen: Peter, I just don't understand. You're educated, you're sophisticated -- we never missed a Bergman flick or a gallery opening. We hit all the major exhibits and all the --

Peter's Mom: Petey, baby!

Peter: [ caught off-guard ] Mom!

[ Mom is dressed like an older Paulette ]

Peter's Mom: Petey, look at you -- you're still dressed like a SISSY! [ she looks at Ellen ] This the dame you wanted me to meet?

Peter: No, no, no... this is Ellen. An old friend. She was just leaving.

Ellen: Goodbye, Peter. [ she oinks before leaving ]

Peter's Mom: Hey, Petey -- where's the can?

Peter: It's, uh... it's across the lobby and down the stairs, Mom.

Peter's Mom: okay. Listen -- order me a couple of drafts, alright...?

[ camera zooms out, then fades ]

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