Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 3
















81c: George Kennedy / Miles Davis

Spray-On Laetril

Gwen.....Christine Ebersole
Peggy.....Mary Gross
Scientists.....Eddie Murphy, Tim Kazurinsky, Tony Rosato
Ted.....Joe Piscopo

Announcer: [ over slide ] And now a message from Tijuana Laboratories for new spray-On Laetril.

[ open on Peggy sitting on the couch as Gwen enters the room smoking ]

Gwen: Hey, Peggy -- shouldn't you be getting ready for the Prom? Ted's gonna be picking you up in just a few minutes.

Peggy: Gee... I'd love to go to the dance tonight, Gwen... but I can't. I have lung cancer.

Gwen: [ she laughs ] Oh! Oh, is that all? Well, that used to be a problem, but no longer -- [ she picks up product ] Not with new Spray-On Laetril! Now available in the pump!

[ dissolve to three scientists spraying product on their faces ]

Scientists: [ singing ] "The pump! The pump! The pump! The pump! The pump!"

[ dissolve back to Gwen and Peggy ]

Gwen: Just spray on Laetril... [ she sprays it on Peggy's back over an inking labeled "LUNG CANCER" ] and wipe malignancy off! [ she rubs the ink off with a sponge ] I smoke about six packs a day, and frankly, my lungs look like moldy spinach! Until I discovered new Spray-On Laetril in the pump!

[ dissolve to three scientists spraying product on their faces ]

Scientists: [ singing ] "The pump! The pump! The pump! The pump! The pump!"

[ dissolve back to Gwen and Peggy, SUPER: "Minutes Later" ]

[ the doorbell rings, as Peggy answers ]

Peggy: Hi, Ted!

Ted: [ enters, smoking ] Ohhhh, gosh, Peggy, you look GREAT! I thought you only had a few days to live?

Peggy: I did! But Spray-On Laetril gave me a new lease on life!

Ted: Spray-On? But don't those aerosols release dangerous florocarbons into our atmosphere?

Peggy: No, silly! This comes in the pump!

[ dissolve to three scientists spraying product on their faces ]

Scientists: [ singing ] "The pump! The pump! The pump! The pump! The pump!"

[ they begin to spray one another, cracking up ]

[ dissolve back to Peggy's house, SUPER: "After The Prom" ]

[ Peggy and Ted enter, still smoking ]

Ted: Boy... Peggy, I really had a swell time tonight. May I stay over and have sex with you?

Peggy: Oh, of course you can! But it's only fair to warn you -- I hsve syphillis.

Ted: Syph, too?

Peggy: Syph, too.

Ted: Oh. Well, will new Spray-On Laetril...?

Peggy: I'm afraid not.

[ she attempts to kiss Ted, as he pulls away ]

Announcer: We here at Tijuana Laboratories may not haev the answer to all your medical problems, but we're working on it.

[ dissolve to slide ]

Announcer: Tijuana Laboratories. Serving America's health needs since 1977.

[ fade ]


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