81d: Donald Pleasence / Fear
Profiles In British Courage
Colonel Harold Sweeney.....Donald Pleasence
Lieutenant Whitten.....Tim Kazurinsky
[ open on Thanes Color Television logo ]
Announcer: Over the course of history, the words "British" and "Courage" have become synonymous. And to salute the bravery of Englishmen, Thanes Television proudly presents... [ dissolve to program card ] "Profiles In British Courage".
[ dissolve to British Army tent, as Colonel Harold Sweeney enters and sits to study battle plans ]
[ suddenly, Baktu rushes in, dragging one-armed Lieutenant Whitten behind him ]
Baktu: Colonel Sweeney! Colonel Sweeney, sir!
Colonel Harold Sweeney: [ peeved ] What is it? What is it this time, Baktu?!
Baktu: It's Whitten, sir! Lieutenant Whitten, sir!
Colonel Harold Sweeney: [ more formal ] Ohhh. Lieutenant Whitten, sir! [ he stands, as Whitten salutes with his one intact arm ] Lieutenant Whitten... God fell dead tonight.
Lieutenant Whitten: Fine!
Colonel Harold Sweeney: I wish I could be out there with you... Unfortunately, I have the court duty to report...
Lieutenant Whitten: Yes!
Colonel Harold Sweeney: Uh -- Lieutenant... you seem to have lost an arm.
Lieutenant Whitten: [ looking down ] Have I really?
Colonel Harold Sweeney: Yes, uh...
Lieutenant Whitten: Ah, yes!
Colonel Harold Sweeney: I'm going to have a look at that.
Lieutenant Whitten: I suppose so. If it's not too much of a bother, sir! [ he chuckles dryly ]
Colonel Harold Sweeney: No, it's no trouble at all. Just hop over here.
[ Lieutenant Whitten hops over ]
Colonel Harold Sweeney: [ laughing ] Ha! Lieutenant, I didn't mean you to take it literally!
Lieutenant Whitten: I'm sorry, sir. My leg seems to have been blown to bits.
Colonel Harold Sweeney: What? [ he looks down ] Oh, it does, yes. Oh, I am sorry...
Lieutenant Whitten: Sorry!
Colonel Harold Sweeney: No, don't be sorry. Um -- let's get you on the table here. [ he begins to remove objects from the table ] Baktu.
Baktu: [ alarmed ] What?! [ he begins to salute like crazy ]
Colonel Harold Sweeney: Lend a hand here... get him on the table. There's blood all over the place... [ they lift Whitten onto the table ] Whoopsie-daisie! [ to Baktu ] Now, go get a blanket.
Lieutenant Whitten: Thank you, sir! Sorry to be messing up your table, sir.
Colonel Harold Sweeney: Oh, forget it. That's not a problem at all. After all, I can always get another table, whereas you, on the other hand, uh, can hardly get another, uh... another, um...
Lieutenant Whitten: Yeah!
Colonel Harold Sweeney: Uh, may I ask you a direct question?
Lieutenant Whitten: Certainly, sir!
Colonel Harold Sweeney: How would you feel about, um... getting along with just one leg?
Lieutenant Whitten: I suppose if one must!
Colonel Harold Sweeney: [ he chuckles ] I-I'm afraid we have no regular surgeon.
Lieutenant Whitten: Pity!
Colonel Harold Sweeney: I could take a crack at it myself.
Lieutenant Whitten: Oh, sir, would you?
Colonel Harold Sweeney: [ nervous ] I've never done this sort of thing before...
Lieutenant Whitten: There's a first time for everything, sir!
Colonel Harold Sweeney: Alright, um... let me, um, give it to you from the shoulder now... [ he pats Whitten on his missing arm ] Oh! I beg your pardon. Uh... we, uh... we have no antisthetic.
Lieutenant Whitten: Oh, well.
Colonel Harold Sweeney: How about, uh, biting on the ol' bullet, hey? Hey? [ he places one of Baktu's bullets in Whitten's mouth ] Bite on that.
Lieutenant Whitten: Thank you, sir!
Colonel Harold Sweeney: [ he chuckles nervously ] No surgical instruments, either. Uh -- Baktu?
Baktu: [ saluting quickly ] Yes, sir!
Colonel Harold Sweeney: Give me a blunt.
[ Baktu hands him a blunt blade ]
Colonel Harold Sweeney: Baktu?
Baktu: Yes, sir?
Colonel Harold Sweeney: I should FLOG you within an INCH OF YOUR LIFE!!
Baktu: [ backing up ] Don't beat me, sir! Don't beat me again!
Colonel Harold Sweeney: [ to Whitten ] Listen, ol' chap -- I'm afraid it should take a couple of hours.
Lieutenant Whitten: Well... take your time, sir. Just take your time.
Colonel Harold Sweeney: Right, uh -- better late than never, hmm? [ his monocle falls from his eye ]
Lieutenant Whitten: Whoopsie-daisy there!
Colonel Harold Sweeney: Hmm... do you think I, uh... do you mind if I ask your advice?
Lieutenant Whitten: Certainly, sir!
Colonel Harold Sweeney: I've never done this before. Do you think I should go straight into the kneecap, or...?
Lieutenant Whitten: SPLENDID!!
Colonel Harold Sweeney: No. Well, let's have a go, eh? [ he places the blade across the kneecap and begins to saw back and forth ] There we go!
[ blood starts squirting out of Whitten's knee ]
Lieutenant Whitten: Very good, sir! You're doing very well!
[ Batku rushes back in ]
Baktu: Colonel Sweeney! Colonel Sweeney! [ he nearly faints at the sight of squirting blood ]
Colonel Harold Sweeney: What is it, Baktu?!
Baktu: It's a message from General Headquarters, sir!
Colonel Harold Sweeney: Hold it up for me. [ Baktu holds it up, as he reads ] Oh, good gracious... they want me to finish the quarterly report immediately!
Lieutenant Whitten: Ohh...
Colonel Harold Sweeney: Tell them I'll do it later!
Lieutenant Whitten: Yes, sir!
Colonel Harold Sweeney: I'm right in the middle of something!
[ Baktu rushes out ]
Lieutenant Whitten: Uh, sir?
Colonel Harold Sweeney: Yes?
Lieutenant Whitten: If you don't mind, I'm SURE that quarterly report is a LOT more important than this silly business! So with your permission, sir... let's say I hack off my own leg!
Colonel Harold Sweeney: [ he stops sawing ] I say... would you really?
Lieutenant Whitten: Yes, sir!
Colonel Harold Sweeney: That's certainly sporting of you. It would be as great help, yes. Here, have a go... [ he hands the blunt instrument over ] and I'll hold the leg.
Lieutenant Whitten: Oh, good! [ he begins to saw his kneecap, as blood continues to squirt ]
Colonel Harold Sweeney: You know...
[ Whitten begins to slash the blunt instrument through his kneecap ]
Lieutenant Whitten: It's coming along quite well, sir!
Colonel Harold Sweeney: Yes! But I'm afraid I'll have to write the report in blood.
Lieutenant Whitten: [ he chuckles heartily ] In the red again, eh?
Colonel Harold Sweeney: Ha ha ha! I want to tell you something...
Lieutenant Whitten: Yes, sir?
Colonel Harold Sweeney: ...Lieutenant Whitten. Um... you've really behaved in a very sporting manner about this.
Lieutenant Whitten: Oh, sir... thank you! [ he slashes his kneecap further ]
Announcer: Within minutes, Whitten died. Colonel Sweeney, however, went on to complete his report on schedule. And, for this, he was decorated and commended for his punctuality.
[ dissolve back to title card ]
Announcer: Colonel Herald Sweeney. Another profile in British courage.
[ dissolve back to Thanes Color Television logo ]
This is Thanes Television, dedicated to upholding the British tradition of courage, honor, grace and dignity. Stay tuned for Benny Hill.
[ fade ]