Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 5














81e: Lauren Hutton / Rick James & The Stone City Band

Cheap Laffs

.....Tony Rosato
.....Lauren Hutton
Spokesman.....Joe Piscopo

[ open on Tony Rosato typing in Writer's Lounge as bouncy music plays him in ]

Tony Rosato: Hi! I'm Tony Rosato. Each week, we try to come up with some ideas for the show that are funny. [ he laughs] Unfortunately, some of our favroite ideas are usually incredibly cheap. For example: Since this week our hostess was Lauren Hutton, and she appeared in "American Gigolo", we thought we'd do a parody called "American Jigaboo." [ he laughs at the pun ] Unfortunately, it was SO cheap, and SO racist, that even Eddie Murphy wouldn't do it. That's another story. Anyway, let's take a look and xee what our Cheap Laff is for this week. [ he lifts up the garbage can and pulls out a script ] I think this is it. Here's tonight's Cheap Laff. [ reading ] "Open on a beautiful, sexy movie star in a dressing room. She's just about to..."

[ dissolve to Lauren Hutton in her dressing room, as soft saxophone music plays ]

Lauren Hutton: Hi. I'm Lauren Hutton. I like my martinis dry, my steaks rare, and my men hard. My men like to work hard, play hard, and when they come home... they want to wipe hard. They want... [ she holds up product ] Macho Wipe. It's one tough toilet paper that's not afraid to roll up its sleeves and get the job done! Watch.

[ dissolve to Spokesman standing before stacks of Macho Wipes ]

Spokesman: [ deep-voiced ] It never lets ME down! [ he grabs a competitor's brand ] Here's regular soft toilet tissue -- the kind WIMPS use! [ he tosses it over his shoulder, then tears a ply of Macho Wipe ] Macho Wipe is one TOUGH toilet paper! [ he rubs it on his face, the scratchy sound effect extra loud for effect ] Tough enough to take care of a bear in the woods... [ he lifts a bat and lowers his voice ] and still tough enough to take the finish off this baseball bat! Watch! [ he rubs the Macho Wipe across the bat shaft ]

[ Hutton steps in and wraps her arm around the Spokesman ]

Lauren Hutton: Try new Macho Wipe. In Medium, Course, and Super Abrasive. All my men use Macho Wipe... or they use nothing at all.

[ dissolve back to Tony Rosato, now wearing bunny ears ]

Tony Rosato: Whoo-hee! Well -- now, that was cheap. See you next week with "CHeap Laffs".

[ he crumples the script in his hand and tosses it over his shoulder ]

[ fade ]


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