Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 7: Episode 9

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


January 23rd, 1982

Robert Conrad

The Allman Brothers Band



The People's Court
Summary: Paulette Clooney (Robin Duke) sues Velvet Jones (Eddie Murphy) because his self-help book didn't turn her into a successful ho.

Recurring Characters: Doug Llewelyn, Judge Wapner, Paulette Clooney, Velvet Jones.



In The News
Summary: The history of Elizabeth Taylor is explored through the men she has married and possible contenders for her next marriage.


Wild Wild Wild West
Summary: President Abraham Lincoln (Tony Rosato) sends James West (Robert Conrad) and Artemus Gordon (Joe Piscopo) on a mission to find out what General Ulysses S. Grant (Tim Kazurinsky) drinks, but they end up sparring with Velvet Jones (Eddie Murphy), an atom bomb, a time machine and an army of hos.

Recurring Characters: Velvet Jones.


The Allman Brothers Band performs "Midnight Rider"

Babies in Makeup
Summary: In a short film by Edward Bianchi, babies and toddlers are glammed up to the sounds of "Alabama Song (Whiskey Bar)" by The Doors.

Overexposed Characters
Summary: Velvet Jones (Eddie Murphy) announces that he has joined Paulie Herman's (Joe Piscopo) ranks as an overexposed character.

Recurring Characters: Velvet Jones, Paulie Herman.


Newsbreak Preview
Summary: Mary Gross previews an upcoming story, in which lawyer Lou Costello (Tony Rosato) cross-examines criminal-author Jack Henry Abbott (Robert Conrad) through a "Who's On First?" variant.

Recurring Characters: Lou Costello.


SNL Newsbreak with Brian Doyle-Murray
Summary: Sports reporter Joe Piscopo uses the competing technologies of Atari and Intellivision to demonstrate how the San Francisco 49ers will beat the Cincinnati Bengals at tomorrow's Super Bowl. Meteorologist Christine Ebersole thinks the wind-chill factor is stupid.

Battle of the Week
Summary: A group of Las Vegas showgirls compete against the members of a volunteer army in a latrine-cleaning challenge.

Recurring Characters: Vic Salukin.

A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney
Summary: Andy Rooney (Joe Piscopo) rambles on the subject of breasts.

Recurring Characters: Andy Rooney.


The Allman Brothers Band performs "Southbound"

The Nixon Mansion
Summary: G. Gordon Liddy (Robert Conrad) pressures Richard Nixon (Tony Rosato) for a comeback, claiming that Franklin Delano Roosevelt (Tim Kazurinsky) was just as ruthless and decitful in his day.

Recurring Characters: Richard Nixon, G. Gordon Liddy, Franklin Roosevelt, Elenour Roosevelt, Albert Einstein.

Family Tradition
Summary: Christine Ebersole's less-talented sister Nancy Sue Ebersole (Christine Ebersole) is invited to perform on "Saturday Night Live".

The Allman Brothers Band performs "One Way Out"


SNL Transcripts