Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 19












81s: Danny DeVito / Sparks

Executive Stress Test

Bill Hoskins.....Danny DeVito
Secretary.....Christine Ebersole
Mary Hoskins.....Mary Gross
Miguel.....Tony Rosato
Don.....Joe Piscopo
Drug Dealer.....Eddie Murphy
J.P.G.....Brian Doyle-Murray

[ open on Bill Hoskins standing in his office, as the phone buzzes ]

Bill Hoskins: Hello? Yes?

Secretary: Mrs. Hoskins is on the phone.

Bill Hoskins: Good! [ he grabs the phone ] Hello, honey? Hello, honey, can you hear me? Oh, wait a secod. [ he puts her on speakerphone ] Honey, can you hear me?

Mary Hoskins: Sure!

Bill Hoskins: Oh, good! Order the lawn furniture, honey! I did it! You're now talking to a Senior Vice-President!

Mary Hoskins: Oh, darling, that's wonderful!

Bill Hoskins: For fifteen years, I've been working my tail off and, FINALLY, somebody noticed!

Mary Hoskins: Of course, they did! You're the BEST!

Bill Hoskins: Oh, honey! In ten minutes... I'm gonna be heading to the 43rd Floor, where I'm wining and dining with J.P.G. and the whole board of directors!

Mary Hoskins: Oh, darling, I love you!

Bill Hoskins: I couldn't have done it without you, honey! You're a real champ! [ he blows kisses into the phone ]

[ his Secretary enters ]

Secretary: Excuse me, Mr. Hoskins?

Bill Hoskins: I'll call you right back, honey! [ he hangs up ]

Secretary: I just want to say, Mr. Hoskins, that it's been a wonderful experience working with you.

Bill Hoskins: Well... by the way, Beth... If you don't mind a rather SUBSTANTIAL pay hike, I'd like to bring you aboard! I already cleared it with Personnel.

Secretary: [ stammering ] Oh, I -- I -- I -- [ she salutes ] I'm mighty glad to be aboard!

Bill Hoskins: [ he salutes back ] At ease!

[ the phone rings ]

Secretary: [ answering ] Mr. Hoskins' office. Just a moment, please. [ to Bob ] It's Mrs. Hoskins.

[ he puts his wife on speakerphone ]

Bill Hoskins: Yeah?

Mary Hoskins: Oh, I'm sorry to bother you, darling, but I forgot to remind you that we're supposed to have dinner tonight with the Harrisons, and -- [ she begins panting wildy ] Oh, no...! Ohhhh...!

Bill Hoskins: [ confused ] Mary! Mary, are you alright?!

Mary Hoskins: [ panting ] My phone...! Give me that phone!

Miguel: No! No, my baby! Tell him NOW! Tell him of the deep feeling between us!

Bill Hoskins: MARY!! MARY!! Who is that man?!!

Mary Hoskins: Ohhh, he's just a... OHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

[ the phone goes dead ]

Bill Hoskins: Did you HEAR that?!

Secretary: I'm... sure she'll have a very convincing explanation, Mr. Hoskins...

Bill Hoskins: I should... I should call her!

[ Don enters ]

Don: Heyyyyyy, Billy! Congratulations, you son of a gun, youuuuu!

Bill Hoskins: Hello, Don! Don! Thanks! Thank you! [ they hug ]

Secretary: You have six minutes, Mr. Hoskins.

Bill Hoskins: Alright!

[ she exits ]

Don: Just wanted to tell you, pal -- No hard feelings, I think the BEST man won!

Bill Hoskins: Oh, that is BEAUTIFUL, Don! I know how much you wanted this job.

Don: Wellll, I'm a team player, Bill, what can I tell you?

Bill Hoskins: Well, you're a real stand-up guy, Don! You know, I really thought they were gonna give it to you! I mean, you've got seniority, you've got more experience, you've got an I.Q. that makes me look like a tree slug!

Don: [ laughing ] That's true! But, you know what? You've got something special, and a LOT more valuable: Natural Leadership! Yeah! And let me tell you something else, Billy baby: I'm gonna be behind you EVERY step down the line!

Bill Hoskins: Awwww! Don, Don, like I said, you are a stand-up guy!

[ a Black man enters the office ]

Secretary: STOP!! YOU CAN'T GO IN THERE!!

Bill Hoskins: Say, hey! Who are you?

Drug Dealer: Hey, be cool, man! I got your ounce! [ he drops a baggie in Bill's hand ]

Bill Hoskins: Well, what...? Wait! What is this?! What is this stuff?!

Don: It looks like an illegal addictive drug to me, Bill! [ he laughs ]

Bill Hoskins: What...?!

Drug Dealer: You know, to be perfectly honest, man, you should stop freebasing your blow -- You're gonna kill yourself.

Bill Hoskins: Hey, hey! Hey, hey, I don't know what THAT means, and I son't know who YOU are, so get the hell out of here and take this stuff WITH you, Buster!

Drug Dealer: Buster? Hey, yo -- Look, man, you better give me the money you owe me, or I'm gonna bust you in your FACE, man!

Bill Hoskins: [ into his phone ] Beth?! Call Security!

Drug Dealer: Yo, what is this, man? I been carrying you for a whole month, you gonna call Security on me? [ he opens a switchblade ] I'm gonna cut your THROAT!

Bill Hoskins: Hey, hey! Hey! Hey!

Don: [ laughing ] Bill, you'd better give your dealer what he wants, pal, huh?

Bill Hoskins: Hey, hey -- What are you, crazy?! I've never seen this man before in my life!

Don: Hey, pal, look -- You guys are talking business! Three is a crowd. Uh, I'll see you later.

Bill Hoskins: Hey, some stand-up guy you are!

Don: I guess the best man won after all, huh, Billy, huh? [ he mimes taking a snort, then exits ]

[ Secretary storms in ]

Secretary: YOU ANIMAL!! I just got my results back from the company physical! You've given me HERPES SIMPLEX!! It's INCURABLE!! I'm RUINED for LIFE!!

Bill Hoskins: I'm sorry...!

Secretary: I just called your wife, and as soon as she's able to talk, I'm gonna tell her that she's got, it, too! And so does that damn gardener -- Miguel!! [ she grabs the phone and puts it on speaker ]

Drug Dealer: Hey, man, you got no class at all, you know that?

[ over the phone, Mrs. Hoskins pants furiously ]

Miguel: Awwwwww, we will tell him together, my honey...! We will spend all his money!

Mary Hoskins: Ohhh, you're so BOSS, my darling...! Ohhhh, yes!!

Bill Hoskins: Mary!! For God's sake, Mary!!

Secretary: [ to the Drug Dealer ] Give it to him!

[ the Drug Dealer grabs Bill by the tie and holds his switchblade in front of Bill's face ]

Bill Hoskins: No, no! Please! Please, no! Please!! No, no, no! Please, don't!

[ suddenly, everyone in the room begins to clap ]

J.P.G.: Bravo! Bravo, everybody! Bravo! Just great! [ to the Drug Dealer ] You were terrific, young man! Miss Rogers has your check.

Drug Dealer: Thank you, Sir! It was a great part! Nice working with you, Mr. Hoskins. Good luck with your future. Y'all take it easy. [ he exits ]

Bill Hoskins: [ surprised ] J.P.G.?!

J.P.G.: [ laughing ] That's right! That Captain of this great big schooner of ours! How do you feel?

Bill Hoskins: Well... I'm a little shaky, but I feel okay...

J.P.G.: Perfect! Perfect! Listen, you just passed our Human Reliability Executive Stress Test! [ he laughs ]

Secretary: Mr. Hoskins, you were just WONDERFUL!

Mary Hoskins: Oh, darling, I'm so PROUD!! And wasn't Miguel just terrific?

Miguel: Muchos gracious, eh, Mr. Hoskins?

J.P.G.: You see, Hoskins -- Before we move a man into a top management slot, we've gotta make sure that he WON'T crack under ANY pressure at all! You know? THe best scientific minds have devised these stress tests.

Bill Hoskins: Well, I-I hope I-I measured up to your expectations...

J.P.G.: [ he laughs boisterously ] You were WONDERFUL! Listen -- anybody else, a normal mind, would have SNAPPED with what you just went through! Hoskins, you've got the RIGHT stuff!

Bill Hoskins: Sir, this is the PROUDEST day of my life!

J.P.G.: I'll bet you worked up quite a little appetite, huh?

Bill Hoskins: Yeah.

J.P.G.: How about a little lunch on the 43rd Floor? [ he laughs ]

Bill Hoskins: Sounds good to ME, Sir! Sounds good to me! Oh -- Oh, Sir, I've got a little surprise for you, too!

J.P.G.: Really?

Bill Hoskins: Yes! If you wouldn't mnid waiting for me by the elevator... I'll be right there!

J.P.G.: Sure, Hoskins! [ he laughs, then exits ]

[ Bob Hoskins returns to his desk, picks up the switchblade, then points it in J.P.G.'s wake and follows behind him ]

[ fade ]


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