Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 7: Episode 19









81s: Danny DeVito / Sparks

Table Talk

.....Tony Rosato
Wine Steward.....Nate Herman

[ open on Tony Rosato examining the wine list at a restaurant ]

Wine Steward: I'd, uh -- I'd suggest the Bouton C'aday, Sir.

Tony Rosato: Excellent! That's EXACTLY what I was going to order! THank you very much.

[ the Waiter exits ]

Tony Rosato: [ into the camera ] Hi! I'm Tony Rosato. Welcome to "Table Talk"! You know, being Italian, people naturally assume that I know everything there is to know about selecting wines. And, actually, I know NOTHING! Absolutely NOTHING about selecting wines. You know, how many times have you gone to a restaurant and been handed, like, a 75-page wine list in 12 different languages? Okay? And you always get sucked into buying a $50 bottle of wine from the Easter Islands or something. Well, tonight, I'm gonna show you how to BEAT Mr. Wine Steward at his own game. Now, the first thing he'll do, is he'll offer you the cork.

[ the Wine Steward returns with a bottle ]

Wine Steward: Sir...?

Tony Rosato: [ to the camera ] Now, don't ask me why they always seem to do that. I always used to say, "Thanks" and drop it in the ash tray. But what he wants you to do is smell it.

[ Rosato smells the cork ]

Tony Rosato: Ah! [ slyly, to the camera ] Notice how my "Ah" is non-committal. In his eyes, I'm still a connoiseur.

[ the Wine Steward pours some wine into a glass and hands it to Rosato ]

Tony Rosato: [ to the camera ] Now, he'll just give me enough to taste. Notice how they never give you enough to realize how bad the bottle is until you BUY the whole thing, right? Okay. And this is the most important part: Tasting. Now, remember -- Don't whip it back like a shot glass, okay? It's a dead giveaway. And don't gargle with it, either.

[ Rosato takes a sip and savors the taste ]

Tony Rosato: [ to the camera ] Now, here's where you can really get one up over your waiter -- Becasue whether you like this or not, you don't like it. Okay? So I suggest this. [ he turns to the Wine Steward ] Uh, excuse me?

Wine Steward: Yes?

Tony Rosato: If I wanted a bottle of SWEAT, I would have ORDERED it! Would you TAKE this away, please?!

[ the Wine Steward silently takes the bottle and exits ]

[ Rosato laughs maniacally into the camera ]

Tony Rosato: Now, where's this guy off to? Well, he's off to get you another bottle of the exact stuff you just sent back. Right? Now, by the way -- You know he's on to you if he comes back and suggests a HOUSE wine that looks like this: [ he holds up a wine bottle wrapped in a paper bag ] Or, if he gives a bottle with a duck on it, stamped "Wednesday." Now, don't fall for this stuff, okay? These are your sparkling wines, or your carbonated wines. Okay? I don't trust these, because these aren't real wines. They're like closet soft drinks, you know? Wines that think they're wines, but they've always wanted to be a 7-Up or something...

[ the Wine Steward returns ]

Wine Steward: I'd suggest this, Sir... [ opens the bottle and pours ]

Tony Rosato: [ to the camera ] Remember: [ he whispers ] You don't want this... [ he takes the glass of wine ] Thank you. [ he sips the wine, then spits it across the table ] THIS IS DISGUSTING!! [ he flings the leftover into the Wine Steward's face ] BRING ME ANOTHER BOTTLE, AND HURRY!!

[ the Wine Steward silently takes the bottle and exits ]

Tony Rosato: WHAT KIND OF A RESTAURANT ARE YOU RUNNING HERE?!! [ he laughs maniacally into the camera ] That works every time! Alright, now, not only is tghis guy totally intimidated, but he's also out two bottles of vino, okay? so you can be well and sure that ANYTHING he brings back is BOUND to be on the house! And, if you're like me, you don't mind having a bottle of bad wine...if it's free.

[ the Wine Steward returns ]

Wine Steward: This one's on the house, Sir. [ he pours the wine ]

[ Rosato smiles into the camera ]

Tony Rosato: Thank you. [ he sips and savors the wine ] Ah... Excellent!

[ defeated, the Wine Steward touches the bottle of wine one last time before he exits ]

Tony Rosato: Well -- Join me again next week on "Table Talk", and I'll show you how to stuff an ENTIRE salad bar into a doggie bag! So long!

[ fade ]


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