Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 8: Episode 1

82a: Chevy Chase / Queen

Saturday Night News with Brad Hall

.....Brad Hall
.....Joe Piscopo
Father Andrew B. Titus.....Tim Kazurinsky
.....Chevy Chase

Announcer: And now, Saturday Night News, with the Saturday Night News team and anchorman Brad Hall.


Brad Hall: Good evening, Iím Brad Hall. Our top story tonight:

An exclusive public opinion survey conducted by TV Guide has determined the most trusted television journalists in America. Here are the winners: #1, Harry Reasoner, #2, David Brinkley, #3, John Chancellor, and #4, [removes his glasses] Brad Hall.


Brad Hall: Thank you. Iíve only been on for 20 seconds. I hope I can live up to your confidence, America.

To help the Lebanese establish order in the wake of recent events, President Reagan has sent the Marines back into Lebanon. Among the Marines who went are: Maureen OíHara, Maureen OíSullivan, and Oscar winner Maureen Stapleton. The president is still undecided about sending his own daughter, Maureen Reagan. She disagrees with many of her fatherís policies.

[picture of Lynn Swann, standing bent over on a football field] Well, it turns out that somebodyís gonna benefit from this football strike after all. Pittsburgh Steeler Lynn Swann is using his free time to search Three Rivers Stadium for a contact lens he lost last season. [applause] Said Swann, ďIíll find it even if I have to go down on all fours and get my knees all scabby.Ē

Brad Hall: You know, itís been a great big week in sports, and here to tell us all about it is our own Joe Piscopo. Joe?

[pan to Joe, applause]

Joe Piscopo: Thanks Brad. Hello again, everybody. Joe Piscopo, live, Saturday Night Sports. The big story: football! Strike! Players! Owners! Greedy? Selfish? Stupid! [applause]

What the hell is going on? Solution: give both sides what they really want. Management: give them player rep Ed Garvey. In a room. Alone. [punches his fists together] Players, they wanted 55%? This looks like 55% to me! [opens small bag of white powder and pours it on the desk, applause]

Come on, fellas! Stop fooling around and play ball! Joe Piscopo, live, Saturday Night Sports. Back to you, Brad.

[more cheers and applause]

Brad Hall: Thank you, Joe. That sounds like one heck of a suggestion.

You know, this is the first time that Iíve ever been on a national television program. Iíve been told there are 20 million people watching this show tonight, which makes this a very powerful position to be in. During the week I was thinking, you know, this showís a lot of laughs and itís good fun and everything, and Iím glad to be here. But Iíve been thinking itíd be a waste if I didnít say something that was important, you know, something I felt strongly about. And thatís why Iíve decided to talk about Mr. James Watt, who is the Secretary of the Interior of the United States of America. Hereís a picture of Mr. Watt on the cover of Time Magazine. [shows magazine cover]

In an article in here he talks about how heís gonna sell off all the, uh, forest land of the country. Heís selling oil drilling rights to various greedy corporations off the coast of Alaska, in the Santa Barbara Channel, which is where I grew up. Not in the Channel, in Santa Barbara. You know, uh, his whole attitude has gotten me kind of angry, and what weíre gonna do is, uh, call Mr. Watt, right now, at his home in Washington.

[pulls out a telephone from underneath the desk] You know, itís great to work for a network because I got Mr. Wattís phone number from Tom Brokaw, whoís the fifth most trusted newsman in America. Iíve got it committed to memory. This should be fun.

[dials Mr. Wattís phone number; ringing sound effect is heard] Hope heís in.

Womanís voice: Hello?

Brad Hall: Uh, hello. Is this the residence of Mr. Watt?

Womanís voice: Yes it is.

Brad Hall: Uh, this is Brad Hall calling from NBC.

Womanís voice: Well, could you hold a moment, please?

Brad Hall: [covers the phone with his hand and addresses the audience] What do you think we oughta ask him first?

Womanís voice: Sir?

Brad Hall: Yes?

Womanís voice: Could Mr. Watt call you tomorrow morning?

Brad Hall: Uh, no, Iím sorry, this is pretty urgent.

Womanís voice: Well- would you please hold?

Brad Hall: All right. [addresses audience] I shouldíve told him I was from Mobil Oil, then heíd come right to the -ó

Voice of James Watt: Hello?

Brad Hall: Uh, yes, Mr. Watt. Iím sorry to bother you so late, uh, hope I didnít wake you. I just wanted to ask you a couple of questions. Um, why are you selling off all of the, uh, the forest land, and granting drilling rights to greedy corporations?

Voice of James Watt: Well, if heís doing his job right, the Secretary of the Interior should serve this country as a steward. And I donít take this stewardship lightly. Itís true I have an obligation to preserve and protect the natural resources.

[ SUPER: ďvoice of / JAMES G. WATTĒ ]

Brad Hall: Yes--

Voice of James Watt: But, at the same time, I have an obligation to promote intelligent use of those resources.

Brad Hall: Yes, but what Iím trying toó

Voice of James Watt: To me, that usage would include the exploration and development of ouró

Brad Hall: SHUT UP! JUST SHUT YOUR BIG, FAT, LYING MOUTH, YOU PIG! I got 20 million people that hate your guts! Youíre a greasy, slimy, scumbag, andó

[more shouting muffled by the cheers and applause; Brad angrily hangs up the phone and places it underneath the desk]

Good. Iím glad we got that out of our system. Letís go back to the news, shall we?

In an effort to expand the controversial Nobel sperm bank in California, its founder, Robert Graham, has announced the hiring of coast-to-coast representatives to handle the increased demand for high-quality sperm. In addition to the distinguished scientists and Nobel prize winners, the sperm bank will broaden its donor pool to include winners of the Heisman trophy, the Indy 500, and the Belmont Stakes.

[photo of Prime minister Margaret Thatcher standing next to a sumo wrestler] Prime minister Margaret Thatcher this week welcomed home Britainís Prime minister Prime- uh, Prince Andrew from his long tour of the Falkland Islands. Thatís Prince Andrew right there. Andrew, a Royal Navy helicopter pilot, said he really liked that Navy chow, but heíll probably request it transferred to the Royal Balloon Corps.

Sources close to the White House said that the only person in the administration who still supports labor secretary Raymond Donovan is President Reagan himself. The reason for this is because the President is moved by two overpowering emotions: the love of friends, and the love of not being afraid to start your car in the morning. [applause]

Brad Hall: Here now with a book review is our guest critic, Father Andrew B. Titus. Father?

[shot widens to include Father Titus; applause]

Father Andrew B. Titus: Uh, uh, thank you Brad. Uh, youíre one of the new kids, right?

Brad Hall: Thatís right, father.

Father Andrew B. Titus: Brad, uh, thatís a Catholic name, right?

Brad Hall: No, Father.

[A suddenly grumpy Father Titus addresses the camera]

Father Andrew B. Titus: They sent me this book to review, ďThe Readerís Digest Bible.Ē An autographed copy. [opens the book] ďTo Father Titus, from You Know Who.Ē Cute.

This is no longer the Word According to God, itís the Word According to Some Clown from Readerís Digest. This is a travesty! They cut 50% out of the Old Testament, 25% out of the New Testament. So I sípose the Ten Commandments are cut down to seven! [slams book on the table] And the Three Wise Men are replaced by one reasonably intelligent jeweler. The Holy Trinity is now two guys and a voiceover, the Almighty is now just Pretty Good, and Jesus is only five foot two!

This is ridiculous. There is no shortcut to salvation. When Jesus spoke to the masses, you think the masses said, ďKeep it short?Ē God does not need an editor, and we do not need ďGodís Greatest HitsĒ or ďThe Best of Jesus.Ē

Whatís next? Maybe Life magazineíll bring out a picture version. ďLife Goes to the Bible.Ē Perhaps thereíll be a pop-up Bible. Maybe People magazineíll bring out their version. ďWhatís new in Bethlehem?Ē ďPeople picks the ten worst dressed people in the Bible.Ē ďIs there any truth behind those rumors about David and Bathsheba?Ē ďMary Magdalene tells how her new man changed her life.Ē

I ask you: is nothing sacred? Why donít we [motioning with his hand] take two steps out of the Sign if the Cross and call it the Sign if the Stick? Readerís Digest Condensed Bible, you donít condense- you condense milk, not the Bible! This book is poorly written, itís underqualified, itís incomplete, andóand thatís why I didnít read it.

Back to you, Brad. [applause]

Brad Hall: Thank you, Father. God bless you.

Bad news for Richard Dawson: In Iran, the Ayatollah Khomeini has announced that kissing for sexual pleasure is against the law. It will be punishable by whipping. As of yet, there has been no ruling on what the punishment is for whipping for sexual pleasure.

Along with other world leaders, Ronald Reagan has denounced the massacre in Lebanon, and heís announced that he will send an investigative team to make a full report. In keeping with his policy of utilizing qualified experts and specialists, the President has appointed Lieutenant William Calley to head the investigative team.

[photo of Vice President George Bush with his two hands held close together in front of him] ďI remember the first time I touched a womanís breasts.Ē Thatís what Vice President Bush reminisced as he spoke before a meeting of 3000 Episcopal ministers last week. ďIt was truly a religious experience.Ē

Brad Hall: In Beirut, Lebanon, the situation is still critical, as a struggling populus attempts to regain a semblance of order. Our Saturday Night News correspondent Chevy Chase is on the scene now.

[Chevy Chase is shown on the screen behind Brad, standing in front of a red background]

Come in, Chevy. What can you tell us from where you are, Chev?

Chevy Chase: Thank you Brad. And, uh, congratulations on the survey, incidentally. [chuckles]

Brad Hall: Oh, thanks very much. Iím sorry you werenít on it, Chevy.

Chevy Chase: I beg your pardon?

Brad Hall: Iím sorry you werenít on it. Some people still remember you.

Chevy Chase: So are you.

[looking around] Uh, as you can see, Brad, uh, things are pretty docile here. Uh, they look, uh, almost pastoral. Uh, the atmosphere here is a quiet one, as the sun either comes up or goes down. Itís kind of hard to tell in this part of, uh, the area. Uh, the way I see it, uh, all fighting is at a lull, I see no soldiers in the street, Iíve seen as of yet no policing and no curfew call. Uh, things appear to be pretty much at a standstill here Brad.

Brad Hall: Chevy, uh, from what weíve seen of Beirut, that doesnít exactly look like it. Uh, are you sure youíre in the city? Are you in the western sector?

Chevy Chase: Oh yes, uh, Brad, I must tell you that, uh, Iíve been all through this city and, uh, at this time as we speak, I am in the, uh, western sector.

[as he walks around it becomes clear that he is standing in the set of The Tonight Show; Johnny Carsonís desk is seen behind him]

Brad Hall: Of what city, Chevy?

Chevy Chase: [pauses] Of what city? Uh, Of Bur-bank. Uhóno, no, you see, Brad, I missed that plane in New York as you know, and, uh, it would have gone on to Beirut, butó

Brad Hall: I see. Uh, Chevy, are you not in fact, uh, standing on the Tonight Show set right now?

Chevy Chase: Uh, I couldnít quite hear you, Brad. Could you repeat yourselves?

Brad Hall: Chevy, it looks to me like youíre standing right on the Tonight Show set.

Chevy Chase: Yes thatís true, Brad, and a good question it is. Uh, I am on the Tonight Show setó

Brad Hall: Ah.

Chevy Chase: And as you can see, uh, we, uh, [points to his left] weíre over by the bandstand there, and this is of course, [points to his right] uh, Johnnyís, uhÖ. Back to you, Brad!

Brad Hall: Thank you Chevy. Thank you for that fascinating report from Bur-bank.


Well, thatís all the news for tonight. For SNL News, Iím Brad Hall. Good night.

[more applause; fade]

Submitted by: Michael C. Arroyo

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