Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 1





82a: Chevy Chase / Queen

Popeil Galactic Prophylactic

Spokesman.....Eddie Murphy

[ open on Spokesman holding a handful of condom packets ]

Spokesman: Men! How many prophylactics do you use in a year?! Twenty?! Thirty?! Forty?! A hundred?! [ strolls over to product ] Well, you never need buy a prophylactic again, thanks to Popeil's new Galactic Prophylactic, the prophylactic guaranteed to last you fifty years! Imagine that! Fiifty years!

[ SUPER: "Lasts Fifty Years" ]

Spokesman: It's more than a contraceptive, it's a family heirloom!

[ dissolve to Father handing the prophylactic to his son ]

[ SUPER: "Demonstration" ]

Spokesman V/O: One you can pass down from father to son!

[ dissolve back to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: How can a prophylactic last for fifty years?! Let's take a look at Popeil's exclusive design! [ holds out design ] A layer of rubber! A layer of reinforced steel! And yet another layer of rubber! Isn't that amazing! and guaranteed for fifty years to not snap, break, or pop! Watch!

[ dissolve to musclemen playing tug-of-war with an unusually stretchy piece of condom ]

Spokesman V/O: These muscle men are stretching the Popeil Galactic Prophylactic a mind-boggling five times its normal length! It will not break! Isn't that amazing! But, more!

[ dissolve back to Spokesman ]

[ Spokesman fires gun at an outstretched product ]

Spokesman: It can stop bullets! Isn't that amazing! But you want more! Before you answer, before -- What would you pay for the Galactic Prophylactic?! Before you answer - we will throw in, at no additional charge, the Dura-Fram Disaphragm! The diaphragm that's guaranteed to last for fifty years, and take a pounding and keep coming back! Here, we've got a woman demonstrating!

[ woman bounces on a trampoline made out of a stretched condom ]

Spokesman V/O: We've brought this thing a thousand times its normal size! Doesn't that look like fun! Isn't that amazing! Doesn't it look like great fun to you!

[ dissolve back to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: It can all be yours! The Galactic Prophylactic! The Dura-Fram Diaphragm! Both for only $5.95! These days, it's hard to stretch money, so why not get rubber that lasts a lifetime?

Announcer: Popeil Galactic Prophylactic. Available at fine hardware and sporting good stores.


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