82c: Ron Howard / The Clash
Saturday Night News with Brad Hall
Andy Rooney.....Joe Piscopo
[FADE IN on the "SATURDAY NIGHT NEWS" caption against the backdrop of the Manhattan skyline.]
Don Pardo: And now, "Saturday Night News," with the Saturday Night News team... and anchorman Brad Hall.
[PAN over to Brad wearing dark-rimmed glasses at the news desk.]
Brad: Good evening, I'm Brad Hall. Our top story tonight:
[Monitor displays a photo of two gentlemen in suits standing at attention in front of a wall.]
Brad: President Reagan and Federal Reserve Chairman Paul Voeker were lined up and executed by a firing squad today for letting the unemployment rate zoom to 10.1 percent.
Brad: And now, here with a very special news commentary on the unemployment crisis, is SNL news correspondent Mary Gross. [removes glasses] Mary?
[PAN over to Mary as the audience applauds.]
Mary: Thank you. You know, that 10.1% figure, translated into human terms, means that over eleven and a half million people are out of work in America. [smacks desktop] Boy, this unemployment thing really gets my dander up. [brushes off her shoulder] What's even worse is that it's the WRONG eleven and a half million people that are out of work. That's right--now I've compiled a list of the RIGHT eleven and a half million people who SHOULD be out of work, and I'll just read off as many as I can, 'cause it's a big list. Okay, here we go.
[She pulls out a long computer printout with sprocket-feed borders.]
Mary: George Steinbrenner! Okay? [riotous cheers] Yeah! Yeah! All right! HE should be out of work! Get him out of work, and FAST, okay? Now, how about Sammy Davis's jeweler, huh? Can we get him out of there? [applause] Okay? How about the kids who have played Annie? Any kid who's ever played Annie! Let's get 'em off the payroll! The Osmond Family! They should be unemployed. Yes, I think so, very quickly. As a matter of fact, all of your acting families: the Carradines, the Bottomses, the Bridges, the O'Neills. Eugene, Tatum, Tip! Outta here! [pounds desk] Get 'em out of here! These people should be unemployed, ladies and gentlemen. And I'm not finished! Geraldo Rivera! [applause] Huh? How about him? You know what his real name is? Jerry Rivers. He should be doing TAX work, that's what he should be doing! How about Gary Collins and Mary Ann Mobley, huh? Why are they working, and Bert Parks isn't? Boy, now I'm really mad. Can you see how mad I am? Are you ready for this one? Hey, you, Michael Landon: get off the house, out of the prairie, and onto the unemployment, okay, babe? All right? [laughter and applause] You heard me, kiddo. And Pia Zadora, need I say more? Where am I, where am I? Oh, yeah, Richard Thomas! Ruth Gordon, and all the new Dukes of Hazzard. Get outta here, you guys! You're nuts! They make me mad. What about the guy who booked Kate Smith on the Emmys? Where IS that nut? Get him out of here! Or the Tampa Philharmonic. The guy who writes all those CAT books? Sidney Sheldon, you and your entire blood line, outta here! The crew of "The Love Boat": put it in DRYDOCK, babe. [laughter and applause] Get out of here. You know who I wanna get? I want Wayne Newton's tailor! Outta here! The Statler Brothers, Jerry Vale's A&R man, the staff of the Knoxville World's Fair--who cares? And any handsome businessman who gets into a cab and says, "Air France, please." I want them out of work! The Kilgore Rangerettes, who the hell are they? Why are they working? And limo drivers who look like Al Pacino. Get outta here. Any chef who serves you a fish that still has a face on it, I hate that! The Rose Bowl float makers, and women who have their babies at home, and then PHOTOGRAPH it for us. They should all be unemployed, including their babies! I want the guy who puts those subscription cards in the magazines, and they fall in your lap when you try to open it. That drives me nuts! [applause] And I tell you who I want especially out of work! I want that nun I had in the sixth grade who falsely accused me of talking when I was just coughing! That woman should be unemployed! NOT the auto workers! Those guys need all the money--
[Brad finally claps Mary on the shoulder.]
Brad: Thank you, Mary. Thank you very much.
Mary: Oh, thank you, Brad.
[cheers and applause]
Brad: Back to the news. Would-be assassin John W. Hinckley has registered a complaint with the American Civil Liberties Union, saying that St. Elizabeth Hospital officials are reading his mail, restricting his telephone calls, limiting his visitors, and hampering with his access to the press. Hinckley summed up his grievances by saying, "This place treats me like a nut." [snickers]
[Monitor shows a photo of young children standing in front of an airplane scaffold.]
Brad: This week, a total of 35 children of American fathers and Vietnamese mothers left Vietnam for new homes in the United States of America. The children were conceived during the Vietnam War, and at least 15 of them bear an uncanny resemblance to Bob Hope. [laughter and applause] Makes you think, doesn't it?
[DISSOLVE to a photo of Spiro Agnew.]
Brad: Think about this. Former Vice-President Spiro "No Lo Contendere" Agnew was back in the news again this week, and no one can figure out why. Political analysts say that no matter what Mr. Agnew's reasons are for resurfacing, it's definitely bad news for America.
[DISSOLVE to Israeli Prime Minister Menachem Begin.]
Brad: In a surprise move today, Menachem Begin announced that he has found the long-sought-after home for the beleaguered Palestinian people.
[DISSOLVE to a photo of a typical suburban house.]
Brad: It is this three-bedroom, two-bath ranch style home in Palos Verdes, California. Begin was so pleased with his find, he has bought the home himself, and he's willing to, uh, sell it to the Palestinians with a mortgage of only nine percent, which is five percent below the Prime. What a guy, huh?
[DISSOLVE to a grinning beauty pageant contestant.]
Brad: This pretty face belongs to Miss America 1983, Deborah Sue Moffitt, who recently revealed that a few years ago...
[DISSOLVE to a photo of a much more average-looking Moffitt with a baseball cap.]
Brad: ...she looked like THIS, before her cosmetic surgery. In recent years, many public figures have admitted to having had similar surgery. Among them, former First Lady Betty Ford.
[DISSOLVE to Betty Ford.]
Brad: Shown here with her new face, and here, with her old face...
[DISSOLVE to an earlier photo of Mrs. Ford.]
Brad: ...shortly before the surgery. Others include Chicago's mayor Jane Byrne.
[DISSOLVE to Mayor Byrne.]
Brad: Here she is today...
[DISSOLVE to a retouched photo of Mayor Byrne with a sagging face.]
Brad: ...and as she looked before her operation. And then there's Carol Burnett.
[DISSOLVE to a smiling Carol Burnett.]
Brad: With her new chin here, and...
[DISSOLVE to an earlier photo of Carol Burnett.]
Brad: ...here's Carol without her new chin, sometime in the distant past.
[DISSOLVE to Barbra Streisand.]
Brad: Now, you probably didn't know that Barbra Streisand actually had some surgery too. Well, she did.
[DISSOLVE to a photo of David Brenner.]
Brad: Here she is BEFORE the operation. [laughter, applause, hooting] Modern science is truly amazing, isn't it?
[DISSOLVE to a young David Letterman cracking a grin.]
Brad: And then there's our friend David Letterman.
Audience: [applauding] YEAH!
Brad: I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Well, he's a pretty hip guy, how could he have work done on his face?" Well, think AGAIN.
[DISSOLVE to Alfred E. Newman of "Mad" magazine.]
Brad: You must admit it's... [laughter and applause] It's quite a difference. A fine job done there--you know, the fact is, they didn't even TOUCH his teeth. Speaking of teeth...
[DISSOLVE to Jimmy Carter.]
Brad: Here's former President Jimmy Carter. Yes, Jimmy Carter actually had cosmetic surgery before he entered the public eye.
[DISSOLVE to Louise Lasser of "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman."]
Brad: The old Carter smile, there... There it is. It's absolutely indescructible.
[DISSOLVE to a photo of Interior Secretary James Watt.]
Brad: Now, two weeks ago, on the Saturday Night News, I made a phone call to this man, James Watt. I, I called him up right from this very news desk. At that time, I lost my temper with Mr. Watt, and I think I displayed little or no self-control at all. Although I do still disagree with absolutely every decision that the man has ever made in his entire life, I think that I owe him a public apology right here tonight. I behaved very badly. I... am a journalist. I had no right to call this man a slime. [glances over his shoulder at Watt] He's not a slime...
[Brad chuckles and grins self-consciously for several seconds.]
Brad: [whispers] Excuse me just one moment.
[He stands from his chair and turns toward the monitor.]
[Brad swings and punches the screen right in Watt's mouth. He rips a gaping black hole over most of his face. Clearing his throat, Brad returns to the desk and smiles victoriously over cheers of approval.]
Brad: Good. The man's a slime. I'm glad I got that off my chest. You know, some people say... that the problem in the Middle East cannot be solved. But there's one man who has a solution that he believes will bring peace to the Middle East. And he's here with us now at the Saturday Night News desk, and his name is Andy Rooney. Andy?
[PAN over to Rooney hunched slightly over the desk.]
Andy: What's all this fuss about the Middle East? Why the big deal? D'ya ever notice how sloppy they dress over there? Sadat always wore a suit. Whatever happened to the Nehru jacket? The nightly news won't let us forget the Middle East. All you see is rubble from buildings. Some of those houses look like they were built by Fred Flintstone. Why can't Begin and Arafat get together? What kind of a name is Yasser? Is that the opposite of "No, sir"? And Arafat's hat: why does he insist on wearing a tablecloth from Pizza Hut? [laughter] He should either buy a better headpiece, or eat at better restaurants. And why do women from the Mideast cover their faces? You think they all have facial hair? I guess electrolysis is against Moslem law. D'ya ever notice the moles on Menachem Begin's face?
Brad: Thank you, Andy.
Andy: And why is it called the Middle East?
Brad: Thanks very much.
Andy: Is it really in the middle?
Brad: Andy Rooney, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. [cheers and applause]
Well, that's all the news for tonight. I'm Brad Hall for Saturday Night Live News. Good night.
Andy: And what about Iran, huh?
[PAN back and SUPERIMPOSE "SATURDAY NIGHT NEWS" over the entire sceen.]
Andy: Why can't Iran and Iraq get together?
[FADE to black as Andy turns to Brad and continues whining.]
Submitted by: Sean