Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 3




82c: Ron Howard / The Clash

The Whiners

Doctor.....Ron Howard
Doug Whiner.....Joe Piscopo
Wendy Whiner.....Robin Duke

[ open in Doctor's office, Doug & Wendy Whiner seated in front of his desk ]

Doctor: Well.. I've gone over all your test results, and, frankly, I can't find anything physically wrong with you..

Whiners: [ whining profusely ] Then why can't we have a babyyy?

Doctor: Well, uh.. Mr. & Mrs. Whiner.. it seems to me that the problem just couyld be psychological. Is there anything bothering either one of you?

Doug Whiner: Ohhhh.. my di-ver-tic-u-lit-isss!

Wendy Whiner: My hi-a-tus hern-i-aaaaa..!

Doctor: Well, no, no, no.. I mean, are you under any kind of stress?

Doug Whiner: Well, Wendy's mom is stay-ing with usss..

Wendy Whiner: Doug lost his jo-o-obb..

Doug Whiner: Our a-part-ment was ro-obbeddd..

Wendy Whiner: And I don't feel a-ttract-ive!

Doug Whiner: Oh, Wen-dy, you're beau-ti-fulll.. [ hugs her ]

Wendy Whiner: But I can't have a ba-byyy!

Doctor: Mr. & Mrs. Whiner, you two are obviously both under a great deal of strain, from what you've just told me. It's a strain just to listen to it. But, frankly, this happens time and time again to couples. you're just trying too hard to have a baby. In these instances, I recommend that you adopt.

Whiners: [ alarmed ] A-dopttt?! But we want our own ba-byyy!!

Doctor: Please. Please just let me finiish. Very often, once the adoption procedure begins, why then a couple relaxes, and bang, they're pregnant!

Doug Whiner: But it's so much both-errr!

Wendy Whiner: And it would-n't be a real Whine-rrr!

Doug Whiner: I'm the last of the Whine-rsss! Doc-tor, my genes must live onnn..

Wendy Whiner: Is-n't there some-thing you can do-o-o? I want to be a moth-errr!

Doug Whiner: And I want to be a fath-errrr!

Whiners: We want to be par-entsss!!

Doctor: Alright, alright! Just shut up! I'm very sorry that I lost my temper, but if you would only listen to me. There is another alternative. Artificial insemination.

Whiners: [ alarmed ] Art-i-fic-ial in-sem-in-at-ionnnn??!!

Doctor: Would you please just let me finish what I was telling you about..?

Doug Whiner: I don't knowww.. artificial inseminationnn..?

Wendy Whiner: Ohhh, no-o-o, no-o-o..!

Doctor: [ sticks his fingers in his ears ] We take Doug's sperm, insert in an egg from Wendy, plant it in a surrogate mother, and, BOOM, you got a Whiner! [ happy, the Whiners kiss ] Look, look.. [ grabs some brochures ] Here's all the literature, the address of the clinic, the phone number.. please, please, go, go!

Doug Whiner: It looks gre-at! I feel like a man a-gainn!

Wendy Whiner: And I won't get fa-att!

Doug Whiner: Thank you, Doc-torr!

Doctor: You're very, very welcome. Here's the door. [ opens door ]

Whiners: We're gon-na have a bab-byyy!!

Wendy Whiner: Will you de-liv-er itt?

Doctor: No! Uh.. I mean.. I'm giving up my practice and, uh.. moving! I'm moving to.. Puerto Rico! I'm going to Puerto Rico!

Doug Whiner: Can we vis-it you with the ba-byyy?

Doctor: No! [ thinking ] They don't allow babies in Puerto Rico! I'm sorry! It's a law. [ closes door ]

Whiners: [ open the door back up ] Can we name it af-ter you-ou-ou??

[ the Doctor slumps in his chair as the crowd around him again ]

[ fade out ]


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