Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 8: Episode 5

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In Association with

82e: Michael Keaton / Joe Jackson

Teddy Bears

Marsha.....Julia Louis-Dreyfus
David.....Tim Kazurinsky

[ Marsha opens the door to her apartment and shows David in ]

Marsha: I don't usually bring guys home on a first date.. but this is my place. What do you thik of it?

David: [ looks around ] A little dark.

Marsha: [ turns light on ] Well?

David: It's very, uh.. wicker.

Marsha: Oh, I have a lot of plants, too, you know? You have to go home now.

David: [ makes his exit ] Good night, Marsha.. it was very interesting, uh..

Marsha: Oh, aren't you going to kiss me goodnight? [ he kisses her ] Oh, that was good. It wasn't wet. I hate wet ones!

David: Yeah.. look, I'll call you, okay?

Marsha: Ooh! [ runs to closet ] This is my closet! [ pulls out negligee and holds it against her, catching David's interest ] What are you staring at?

David: Uh.. nothing..

Marsha: [ runs to her bed and sits ] And this is my bed.. ] pats the space to her, signalling him to sit ]

David: [ closes door, removes jacket, and sits ] I had a good time tonight.

Marsha: Oh, I had a good time, too!

David: Good.

Marsha: Yeah. The movie was good.

David: Good.

Marsha: Do you want to sleep with me?

David: Yes! [ she slaps him ] I think I'll be going home now, Marsha..

Marsha: [ picks up her teddy bear and talks in teddy bear voice ] Ooh, say good night to Snookie!

David: Snookie?

Marsha: Ooh, did you miss Mommy while she was bye-bye, Snookie?

David: Uh.. Marsha.. uh..?

Marsha: Oh, Snookie, don't be shy. David is very nice. He's not like that dumb, stupid old Michael McCarthy?

David: Who's Michael McCarthy?

Marsha: Oh, he's this guy I was sleeping with.

David: Sleeping with?

Marsha: Yeah. But I dumped him because Snookie didn't like him, right, Snookie?

David: Snookie didn't like him?

Marsha: Mmm-hmm.. Snookie didn't like him at all. Snookie, say hello to David..

David: [ in teddy bear voice of his own ] What didn't Snookie like about him?

Marsha: Say hello to David!

David: Hello, Snookie!

Marsha: Snookie wants you to shake her paw!

David: [ laughing ] Alright, this has gone far enough, Marsha..

Marsha: Come on! Come on, Snookie wants you to shake her paw!

David: Okay.. [ grabs Snookie's paw ] Hello, Snookie. How you doing? Nice to meet you. Terrible weather we've been having lately, huh? So, do you think Begin should resign, or wait a vote of no confidence from the canessa?

Marsha: [ pulls Snookie away ] Snookie thinks you're being insincere.

David: Me?

Marsha: Yeah! Snookie thinks you're talking down to her!

David: I am!

Marsha: Ohhh.. Snookie's crying real tears now. See..?

David: Life is short, Marsha! I'll be going now! [ gets up and grabs his coat ]

Marsha: Well, that's too bad. 'Cause Snookie thought I should slepe with you.

David: [ drops coat, sits next to Marsha again ] Do you think Snookie could ever forgive David?

Marsha: If you kiss Snookie!

David: Do you really think that's necessary?

Marsha: Yes, I do..

David: Okay.. [ kisses Snookie ]

Marsha: No, come on! Kiss him some more! Come on, right on his nose! [ David obeys ] Now, blow in his ear!

David: No..

Marsha: Blow in his ear! [ he blows ] Now, tell her you're sorry.

David: David was a very bad boy, and he's sorry! Can Snookie ever forgive David?

Marsha: Yes! Snookie forgives David.. but I don't, and I'll never, ever sleep with you!

David: [ grabs Snookie's neck ] How would you like to see Snookie go into permanent hibernation, huh?!

Marsha: [ grabs Snookie back ] Stop it! Stop it! you're hurting Snookie! You're hurting her! Ohhh.. she's very sensitive, and she has no friends..

David: [ takes off his sock, puts it on his hand ] Hello, Snookie! This is Sammy the Sock, and he wants to play with you!

Marsha: Mmm.. what kind of game does Sammy the Sock want to play?

David:'s a little game called "One Size Fits All.

Marsha: Ooh! Clap your hands, Snookie! [ Sammy the Sock reaches back to unzip Marsha's dress ] Ooohhh.. Snookie, what was that sound?

David: Zipity-doo-dah, zipity-ay!

Together: My oh my, what a wonderful day!

David: [ howls ] Uh-oh! Snookie, it's Mr. Wolf! Quick! Let's hide under the covers!

Marsha: Come on, Snookie!

[ both singing "Zipity-Doo-Dah, David and Marsha hide under the bed's covers; David tosses the sock and teddy bear aside and finally gets down to business ]

[ fade out ]

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