Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 8: Episode 9

82i: Eddie Murphy / Lionel Richie


... Eddie Murphy
... Steve Martin

[Alone at home base, Eddie Murphy tries to say goodnight.]

Eddie Murphy: I'd thank you all for tuning in to "The Eddie Murphy Show" this evening. ... We had a fantastic time. It was a great - [a disturbance in the crowd, somebody screams] It was a great experience.

[Deafening cheers and applause drown out Eddie. Abruptly, an agitated Steve Martin emerges from the audience and joins Eddie. The crowd goes wild.]

Steve Martin: Hold it! Hold it just a minute! No, wait! I'm sorry! Wait! [cheers and applause continues as Steve Martin tries to get a grip on himself - Eddie looks on blankly - the rest of the cast is standing in the background as the crowd in Studio 8H goes nuts] Hold it just a second! I'm sorry! [Steve puts a hand on Eddie's shoulder as the noise subsides] You know, I'm sitting at home, watching the show, they say there's gonna be no host! I'm sittin' home alone. I say, "What's goin' on here? No host?!" And I'm sittin' home alone?! ... [applause] I mean, Eddie -- you're takin' money out o' MY pocket! ... I'm a professional host! I mean, you got a lot o' guys! [counts on his fingers] You got Letterman, you got Carson, you got me, you got Buck Henry! We're sittin' home alone?! ... I mean, I got mouths to feed! I got thirteen illegitimate kids across the country. ... [applause] I called three girls up tonight. None of 'em'd go out with me! You know why? [sobs] 'Cuz I hadn't hosted in two years! ... I'm sittin' home alone! There's no host! Nobody calls me! [suddenly angry] This is the kind of thing that really irritates me! I'll tell ya something--! And if you feel OFFENDED -- and your cast and your producer feel OFFENDED -- that I've come out here like this-- Well, EXCUUUUUSE ME!

[Huge cheers and applause as Steve Martin stalks off the stage and exits. Eddie, who has stared blankly at Steve throughout the tirade, watches him go. The rest of the cast, led by Tim Kazurinsky, laughs, applauds and joins Eddie at center stage to wave at the crowd. Credits roll. Tim shakes Eddie's hand. The cast mingles with Lionel Ritchie and his band.]

Don Pardo V/O: Join us in future weeks when our hosts will be Howard Hesseman and Bill Murray. Until next time, this is Don Pardo saying: I'm glad we have these little talks. It's so lonely in this announce booth. Johnny Olsen, if you're listening, give me a call! Good night.

Submitted Anonymously

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