Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 9





82i: Eddie Murphy / Lionel Richie

Hairem Scarem

Host.....Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Gwen Nyquist.....Mary Gross
Val Dooley.....Robin Duke
Dion Dion.....Eddie Murphy

Host: Good evening. Welcome to "Hairem Scarem", the show where we learn firsthand, the horrifying hair-damaging experiences of everyday people. Tonight, our guests are Gwen Nyquist, Perm Victim; Val Dooley, unsuspecting target of Wig Scam; and Dion Dion, consultant representative from the Chateau de Toupee Hair Institute. Gwen, tell us about your experience.

Gwen Nyquist: Well, it was on the eve of my wedding day.. and I cut out a picture of Melissa Manchester, and I brought it to Vince at Marlowe's House of Beauty, and I said "I want to look exactly like her." So, Vince said, "You should have a perm, your hair's too thin." So, I believed him - it was Vince! So, Vince put the rods in, and then he says to me, "Coffee?" I said, "Sure. Double Double."

Val Dooley: What's "Double Double"?

Gwen Nyquist: Double cream and double sugar. So, Vince goes off, and I'm halfway through the Enquirer when I realize that four hours have gone by, and Vince isn't back. Well, I did the puzzle.. and so, then a policemen comes in, and he says Vince has been mugged and won't be able to take the rods out.

Host: So then what happened?

Gwen Nyquist: Well, I didn't get married! Because of this! [ takes scarf off head to reveal bald patches between what remains of her hair ]

Host: Oh, my God! Was Vince prosecuted?!

Dion Dion: Well, you know, you really can't blame Vince. Oftentimes, in many perm cases, you cannot remove the rods on time, due to uncontrollable circumstances and, sometimes, mugging. But on the other hand, I will admit that their are addresses in the business that are, what is known, as "scissor-happy." In the world of hair, anything can happen.

Host: Well, do you have any advice for Gwen here on how she can live a normal life with this affliction?

Dion Dion: Oh, yes! I suggest that you come to the Chateau de Toupee. We will fit you in what we call a "transitional wig", and, of course, we offer group sessions for other perm victims such as yourself.

Host: Well, that sounds very helpful. Thank you.

Val Dooley: What about me?

Host: Oh, yes.. I was coming to you. Uh.. Val Dooley, ladies and gentlemen. Victim of a "Wig Scam". Val, what happened?

Val Dooley: Well, it wasn't my wedding day, or anything like that.. but, I was at the mall, and I used to have hair down to my buttocks. It was just like Crystal Gayle..

Dion Dion: Oh, she has a head of hair!

Val Dooley: Anyway.. I was going up the escalator, and suddenly I feel something brush up against me. I just figured it was some guy from Voter Registration. And.. I.. I get to the top and I feel light-headed, and I look into the mirror, and somebody has just cut off my hair. It's just gone. It's just all gone. And a friend told me later that it happens a lot to Chinese girls. It's just a scam, or something.. and, what they do is they cut off your ponytail and make it into a wig.

Host: Well.. are you at all Chinese?

Val Dooley: No! I don't think so. But I do believe that there is a demand for my hair color!

Host: Well, what color was your hair?

Val Dooley: Well, it was very much like his. [ points to Dion ]

Host: Well, this is just an outrageous story! Mr. Dion, you are in the wig business. Perhaps you've heard of this?

Dion Dion: [ nervous ] No, no.. I've heard of this.. it is a shock to me..

Val Dooley: Well, that's just not true, because the police told me that it happens all the time! I mean, who's to say that the people that are selling you your wigs for your hair aren't selling you hot hair?! I mean, who's to say that that isn't my hair sitting on top of your head?!

Host: [ reluctant ] Well, that's all the time we have for today. Join us next week on "Hairem Scarem", when our guest will be Vida Hosgrave, who lost her hair in a hunting accident, and Sonja Riddle, who shaved her hair for attention. Thank you, and good night.


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