82i: Eddie Murphy / Lionel Richie
A Special Christmas Message
April May June ... Julia Louis-Dreyfus
[An organ plays "O Come All Ye Faithful" and continues
under the entire sketch.]
Announcer V/O: [youthful, Southern accented
voice] And now a special Christmas message from April
[Televangelist April May June, in jewels and white fur
coat, walks to her podium in front of a
flower-bedecked trellis and addresses the camera with
a pronounced Southern drawl.]
April May June: Hello, friends. It's
Christmastime and that means more than a fur coat and
roastin' nuts. It's Jesus' birthday! Do you
know the story of Jesus' birth? Well, poor Mary was
heavy with child and she and her husband Joseph
couldn't find room in any of the hotels so they found
a barn with a star on top where Jesus was born.
And all the animals in the barn were very quiet when
they saw the baby Jesus. And all the shepherds
followed the star and came to look at the sweet baby.
And the three wise men came and gave the baby Jesus
gold, frankincense and pork -- to see if he was
Baby Jesus was so sweet and good and didn't cry all
night and keep his mommy up like some babies who never
let their mommies sleep and then the mommies
get bags under their eyes and then they look
like hell in front of the camera the next day.
[chuckles self-consciously as she recovers her
So, it was a nice and holy time for everyone,
hallelujah. But, you know something? Something
surprises me. I wonder why Mary couldn't get a room. I
mean, after all, she's carryin' God's child.
What do you mean "No room at the inn"? How
could the one and only Holy Family take no for an
answer? You don't read in the Bible about Joseph
arguin' with the man at the front desk for fifteen
minutes about a room, do you? I mean, what was he
doin'? Where was his spine?! He just let
his wife have her baby in some nasty barn?! You
know how men are! I mean, he was a carpenter!
He coulda built her a house! What was
he? Just along for the ride?! You know, I don't
think Joseph ought to be a saint. Mary had the child
of God and performed a whole host of other miracles,
hallelujah. All Joseph did was get some aspirin named
after him. Big deal!
[Cheers and applause as we fade out on a smiling April