Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 8: Episode 9

82i: Eddie Murphy / Lionel Richie

A Special Christmas Message

April May June ... Julia Louis-Dreyfus

[An organ plays "O Come All Ye Faithful" and continues under the entire sketch.]

Announcer V/O: [youthful, Southern accented voice] And now a special Christmas message from April May June.

[Televangelist April May June, in jewels and white fur coat, walks to her podium in front of a flower-bedecked trellis and addresses the camera with a pronounced Southern drawl.]

April May June: Hello, friends. It's Christmastime and that means more than a fur coat and roastin' nuts. It's Jesus' birthday! Do you know the story of Jesus' birth? Well, poor Mary was heavy with child and she and her husband Joseph couldn't find room in any of the hotels so they found a barn with a star on top where Jesus was born.

And all the animals in the barn were very quiet when they saw the baby Jesus. And all the shepherds followed the star and came to look at the sweet baby. And the three wise men came and gave the baby Jesus gold, frankincense and pork -- to see if he was Jewish.

Baby Jesus was so sweet and good and didn't cry all night and keep his mommy up like some babies who never let their mommies sleep and then the mommies get bags under their eyes and then they look like hell in front of the camera the next day. [chuckles self-consciously as she recovers her poise]

So, it was a nice and holy time for everyone, hallelujah. But, you know something? Something surprises me. I wonder why Mary couldn't get a room. I mean, after all, she's carryin' God's child. What do you mean "No room at the inn"? How could the one and only Holy Family take no for an answer? You don't read in the Bible about Joseph arguin' with the man at the front desk for fifteen minutes about a room, do you? I mean, what was he doin'? Where was his spine?! He just let his wife have her baby in some nasty barn?! You know how men are! I mean, he was a carpenter! He coulda built her a house! What was he? Just along for the ride?! You know, I don't think Joseph ought to be a saint. Mary had the child of God and performed a whole host of other miracles, hallelujah. All Joseph did was get some aspirin named after him. Big deal!

Merry Christmas.

[Cheers and applause as we fade out on a smiling April May June.]

Submitted Anonymously

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