Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 8: Episode 9




82i: Eddie Murphy / Lionel Richie

Eddie Murphy's Monologue

.....Eddie Murphy

Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, Eddie Murphy!

Eddie Murphy: Thank you. Thank you. Ah, it's - it's good to be back in New York, uh ... And it's-- it was fun working with these kids this week, I had a great time. ... I really can't believe how hard they work here on this show and it's like - it was, like, watching the process, seeing them pull together was a lot of fun for me, a nice experience. And a lot of things have been happening in my life right now. I just recorded a comedy album, I have a movie out called 48 Hours and things have--

I just moved into a house on Long Island which is very spooky. [cheers and applause for Long Island] Long Island! Old, uh, Jewish man died in my house. ... And it's a Jewish ghost in my house which is very nerve-wracking. You're walkin' through the house and you hear: [old Jewish man's voice] "Boo! ... Get off my lawn, you schwartze! ... [cheers and applause] Boo-ooo! I'm under the bed now! .... Or maybe I'm not. Who knows? Maybe. I could be. Who cares? ... I could be under the bed."

[normal voice] It's real scary. You know what I was wondering about movies? I was watching those movies -- I'm moving out of my house, I was watching movies like Poltergeist and Amityville Horror. Why don't the people just get the hell out of the house? ... You can't make a horror movie with black people in it 'cuz the movie'd stop, you'd see niggers runnin' down the street, the movie's over! ... That's the movie. You can't have a movie like that. See, white people, you all sit on the toilet, see blood in the toilet, and you all go get Ajax. ... Brothers won't sit on the toilet. ... Movie be just like this: [brother's voice] "Wow, baby, this is beautiful. We got chandelier hangin' up here, kids outside playin', it's a beautiful neighborhood, I really love - this is beaut--" [demonic whisper] "Get out!" [brother's voice] "Too bad we can't stay." [instantly spins, starts walking upstage] ... [cheers and applause, Eddie returns to face the crowd, wipes his nose]

My nose is runnin' and I don't want to look-- people thinkin' I'm nasty. I have a cold. ... I was playin' ball today. You ever play basketball when you have a cold? And make a fast move and snot shoot out at ya? [whips his head around, pretends to get hit in the eye by a cold blob of snot] ... Ah, that was in bad taste, I shouldn't've did it. But it was funny, so what? ...

Here's some more stuff in bad taste. [pulls sunglasses out of pocket, puts them on, does his Stevie Wonder impression, head rocking slowly from side to side] ... [cheers and applause, Eddie as Stevie claps his hands and croons wordlessly, then he takes off the glasses and laughs] The brothers don't like when you do Stevie. ... Brother be sayin': [angry brother voice] "HEY, MAN, THAT'S NOT FUNNY! ... STEVIE IS BLIND, MAN! [wipes his nose with the sleeve of his jacket] ... DO 'EM AGAIN, YOU GON' GET HURT!" [But Eddie puts the glasses back on and plays Stevie again] ... [applause]

[normal voice] Stevie Wonder likes the impression! That's why I do it. I met Stevie Wonder in Atlanta. He liked it. Don't think like Stevie's sittin' home in his living room goin': [sad voice] "Wow, I'm blind. That's messed up, man." ... [normal voice] He's not. Stevie's a very happy person. You see him smilin' all the time. I say, "Stevie, why you so happy?" He say, "'Cuz I'm rich, that's why." ... Stevie's very happy.

He walked up to me in Atlanta, too. He walks up to me, he goes: [as Stevie Wonder] "Eddie, if you - ever imitate me again - I'll kick your behind." ... [removes glasses, normal voice, supercool] Needless to say, I wasn't afraid. ... I'd kill Stevie Wonder in a fight. ... [suddenly starts shadow boxing with an imaginary Stevie Wonder] Step off, Steve! Step off! [with his back to the audience, Eddie throws a punch] BIFF! [Eddie spins around as Stevie, in a boxing stance, his dark glasses crooked on his nose, as if he had just taken a punch in the face ] "Aw, you shouldn't 'a' did that!" ... [Eddie as Stevie bobs and weaves with fists in the air like a boxer, cheers and applause, Eddie stops, breaks into a smile, takes off the glasses, normal voice] You're a lot of fun! Watch the show! Stick around! Thank you. [Eddie basks in the huge cheers and applause as we fade out]


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