Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 8: Episode 11

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82k: Rick Moranis & Dave Thomas / The Bus Boys

Bob Hope's Superbowl Party

Bob Hope.....Dave Thomas
Woody Allen.....Rick Moranis
Frank Sinatra.....Joe Piscopo

[ open on low angle shot of a putter hitting a golf ball across a carpeted floor. Pan up to reveal a tuxedo-clad Bob Hope clutching the putter, as he sings "Thanks For the Memories." ]

[ the doorbell rings. Bob glances toward the audience in mock surprise, then walks across the room to answer the door. ]

[ a nervous, nebbishly-dressed Woody Allen enters the room ]

Bob Hope: Hi, Woody! Come on in!

Woody Allen: Boy, uh.. I'm not dressed or anything! I didn't expect a Superbowl party to be black tie!

Bob Hope: No, no, no. I'm not dressed like this because of the Superbowl - I always wear a tuxedo in my Awards Room.

Woody Allen: Geez.. it's a lot of awards. [ looks around the room, notices a huge safe dor embedded into the wall ] Wait a second! What's this over here - a branch for California Federal?!

Bob Hope: Get away from that! That's my joke vault!

[ Woody steps towards the audience, breaking the fourth wall ]

Woody Allen: I know what you're thinking. What am I doing here? This is just a cheap excuse to throw some impressions together in a - a lame television sketch. You talk about cheap - I mean, the man's got a prop vault in his living room!

Bob Hope: [ enters frame ] Hey, what are you doing, talking to the camera? Two can play that game! [ addresses the audience ] Hi, ladies and gentlemen, this is Bob Hope! Welcome to my home in Palm Springs. [ chuckles ]

[ the doorbell rings ]

Bob Hope: I'll get it.

[ Bob answers the door to Frank Sinatra ]

Bob Hope: Frank!

Frank Sinatra: Robert. How are you? [ they embrace ] You know, Hope - Hope, you look terrific. [ Bob chuckles ] For an old man.

Bob Hope: Hey, take it easy. [ pats Frank's hair ] You've got more plugs here than AT&T!

Frank Sinatra: I understand that you haven't been working too much lately, Robert. I'll see what I can do about starting a war.

Bob Hope: Yeah, well, I guess now that Maya Lansky's gone, the world's your clam, huh, Frank?

[ Woody Allen, left standing off to the side, turns again to address the audience ]

Woody Allen: Great. Maya Lansky jokes. I'm here with the Mob, and I'm the only Jew in the room! They're probably gonna make me keep the books! What am I doing here? What could I possibly have in common with Frank Sinatra?!

[ Bob and Frank step up to stand behind Woody's shoulders ]

Bob Hope: How 'bout Mia Farrow?

Frank Sinatra: [ pats Woody's back ] How does it feel to have seconds?

Bob Hope: Hey - don't you mean third? Wasn't she done in by the Devil? [ chuckles ]

Woody Allen: Lay off, willya, fellas? Does somebody wanna turn on the Superbowl or something? I mean, that's why we're here, isn't it?

Frank Sinatra: Sit.

Woody Allen: You want me to sit?

Frank Sinatra: Sit!

Woody Allen: I'll sit! [ scrambles to sit on the couch ]

Bob Hope: Gee - that's what I call the Wood House Method! [ chuckles ]

Frank Sinatra: Did you tell him yet?

Bob Hope: Uh - no. I-I forgot, Frank. I-I'll tell him right now. [ sits next to Woody ] Uh - Woody. [ pauses, chickens out ] Frank's got something to tell you!

Frank Sinatra: You know, Wood Man. As a, uh, young type modern liberal hip cat, we thought it would be groovy if you helped The Man do four more. Capiche?

[ Woody appears confused ]

Bob Hope: Well, let me translate for my partner, Tonto, here. He wants you to help us keep Ronnie Reagan in the White House in '84.

Woody Allen: Wait a second, fellas, you're barking up the wrong tree. I keep right out of politics now! Besides, what's the hurry? The election's two years away!

Bob Hope: Gee, well, with my schedule, I like to book in advance, you know?

Frank Sinatra: Alright, alright, alright. Look - this is the plan. See, me and Hope, we cover one segment of the voters, and you cover the other segment. You know, like the faggots and the, uh.. the Commies, the liberals, and that sort of thing. Now, if you could get that scum vote on Ronnie's side, we'd appreciate it very much.

Woody Allen: [ shakes his head, distraught ] No problem, absolutely, you got me. As a matter of fact, give me the phone right now, I've got my faggot phone book with me, I can get the whole scum boat on our side right away!

Bob Hope: Gee, that's great! It worked, Frank!

Frank Sinatra: Marvelous. Let's watch the game. I wonder who's winning - the Phins or the Skins?

Woody Allen: Listen, fellas, I was kidding! I don't know if I can help you with the Reagan thing! Come on! I mean - I mean, I get hives around horses and conservatives!

[ Frank turns the Superbowl on, watches intensely for a few seconds, then grabs the phone off the wall and dials ]

Frank Sinatra: Yeah. Pasadena, please. Get me the Miami sideline.

Bob Hope: Hey. Wait a minute. Is that long-distance?

[ Frank hands Bob a wad of bills ]

Bob Hope: A hundred bucks?! Yuo have three minutes, sir!

Woody Allen: [ speaks incredulously to the audience ] The man is calling the Superbowl.

Frank Sinatra: Alright, look - tell Don Schuler that Frank says the Redskins are gonna win this game. Yeah, I thought it would be nice if you guys fumbled the punt three times. Thank you so much.

[ the camera zooms in on the game on the TV screen, as the Miami Dolphins fumble the punt three tmes ]

[ Frank turns the TV off, as an amazed Woody jumps to his feet ]

Woody Allen: He can call Don Schumer and order a-a fumble like that?! [ snaps his fingers ]

Bob Hope: Listen - if he can get his kids singing gigs, he can do anything!

Frank Sinatra: Alright, alright, look - Pee-Wee, Pee-Wee, you gonna help us with this, uh, Reagan campaign thing or what?

Woody Allen: Well, actually, it's against my political beliefs, guys.

[ Bob growls and barks at Woody, as Frank simply gives him the evil eye ]

Woody Allen: But, on the other hand, I prefer not to become part of a highway!

Frank Sinatra: Great, great. Good, good. You can direct the camapign commercials.

Bob Hope: Yeah. But make 'em funny, not like your last couple of movies.

Frank Sinatra: Yeah, yeah, here we go. Okay, here we go. Me and Robert worked this little thing out. Hit that - hit that thing over there.

Bob Hope: Oh, yeah. Okay. [ hits a stereo button ] Les?

[ the theme to "Love and Marriage" plays, as Frank and Bob move about the room ]

Frank & Bob,: [ singing ]
"Ron and Nancy
Ron and Nancy
They go together like a horse and carriage --"

[ the camera zooms in on Woody, as he once more addresses the audience ]

Woody Allen: I was right - it was just a cheap excuse to throw some lame impressions together. Somebody really should put a stop to this. As much as I hate to do this, I find it kind of embarrassing, but - "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night."

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