Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 9: Episode 1




83a: Brandon Tartikoff / John Cougar

NBC: Be There

Announcer...Joe Piscopo (v/o)

[FADE IN on red letter NBC graphic, with grey background dotted with miniature peacocks as per the 1983 NBC promo graphics]

Announcer: This fall, NBC is getting tough on the competition! Did we say competition? [fade to stills with various show titles and photos] T.J. Hooker? Hotel? Goodnight Beantown? That's not competition, that's a load of crap! [fade to candle in book-lined study, pan right to minister sitting in chair reading the Bible] You'd have to be crazy to watch it, or a godless Communist. Right, Reverend?

Rev. Luther Woodhead: [removes glasses, SUPER: "REV. LUTHER WOODHEAD. CHAIRMAN, GOOD CHRISTIANS FOR BETTER TELEVISION"] Anyone who watches Hotel this year on ABC is condemning his soul to eternal damnation! [puts glasses back on and resumes reading]

Announcer: Reason enough to watch NBC, but don't take our word for it, ask your docton. [fade to doctor standing in operating room]

Doctor: [closes clipboard, SUPER: "A DOCTOR"] As I tell all my patients, CBS's new fall schedule is a leading cause of heart disease in America.

[fade to NBC peacock 'Be There' graphic]

Announcer: NBC. Watch us, or die and go to Hell!

[applause and fade]


Submitted by: Larchman


SNL Transcripts