Fascinating People and Their Friends
Mike Nash.....Tim Kazurinsky
Ram Fellstein.....Jerry Lewis
Mike Nash: Good evening, and welcome to "Fascinating People and Their Friends." I'm your host, Mike Nash, and tonight's topic is: "Professional Football and the Rest Of Us." Here to discuss this with us is Ram Fellstein, of the newly-formed AJFL.
Ram Fellstein: [ deep-voiced ] Hello, Mike.
Mike Nash: Could you tell us osmething about the AJFL.
Ram Fellstein: Certainly, I'd be glad. The AJFL, or the American-Jewish Football League.. [ starts to crack up, covers face ]
Mike Nash: [ covering ] Mmm-hmm.. Something in your eye, I see..
Ram Fellstein: ..was.. was formed.. [ cracks up ] ..was formed last year to bring professional sports to the professional man! For example, I myself, in addition to being a co-founder of the league, am also quarterback for the Chicago Dentists!
Mike Nash: Ah. I see. And when is your regular season.
Ram Fellstein: Every Wednesday, from mid-November to mid-March.
Mike Nash: Oh, what, your team doesn't play on Sunday?
Ram Fellstein: No. Sundays, we play golf. All the teams in the Eastern Division - that would be the Chicago Dentists, the Miami Obstetricians, the Atlanta Heart Specialists, and the New York Eye, Ear, Nose and Throat - we all play on Wednesday, our day off.
Mike Nash: Hmm, that's very interesting. Well, seeing as how none of you guys are professional athletes.. I mean, it's just a bunch of doctors running around banging into each other, isn't it? Injuries must be a big problem.
Ram Fellstein: Oh, boy! I'll say. Everytime someone gets hurt, there's twenty-one guys out on the field trying to treat them! But first, last year, when we played the San Fransisco Attorneys in the Play-Offs, we had 85 yards in penalties, and $16 million in lawsuits!
Mike Nash: Tough game. Who won?
Ram Fellstein: It's still up for appeal. It could be years before we find out!
Mike Nash: Speaking of Play-Offs, does the AJFL have something equivalent to the Superbowl?
Ram Fellstein: Oh, yes, oh boy, yes, oh yeah!
Mike Nash: Tell me about it..
Ram Fellstein: But the name changes each year, depend- - cracks up ] ..depending on who wins.
Mike Nash: I see.
Ram Fellstein: For example, the year the Dentists won, it was called the Spitbowl. The year the.. [ suppresses laughter ] ..Plastic Surgeons won, it was called the Nosebowl. I don't even want to tell you what it was called the year the Gynecologists won.
Mike Nash: No.. [ thinking ] Wait a minute.. hold it just a second.. Jews don't play football!
Ram Fellstein: So I lied! So sue me! But I got on your damn show, didn't I?! [ laughs at him ]
Mike Nash: Okay, join us next week on "Fascinating People", when the subject is Nude Bullfighting. [ to Ram, as closing music sweeps ] You had me going there for a while..!