Saturday Night News with Robin Williams

.....Robin Williams
.....Brad Hall
Jesse Donnally.....Jim Belushi
.....Tim Kazurinsky



Announcer: And now, "Saturday Night News", with guest anchorperson Robin Williams!

Robin Williams: Gracious, muchachos! Welcome! Thank you!

Most of the news has already been picked up by 7 o'clock news, 11 o'clock news, Ted Turner's cable news channel, and tomorrow's newspapers have already come out.. but we'll do our best to give you what we can!

[ show early photo of The Beatles ]
Twenty years ago this week, The Beatles came to America. As you can see, this picture was taken just before Clarence Walker joined the group.

[ show photo of Brad Hall ]
Now, correspondent Brad Hall has filed a very special report. Brad? Here's to you?

[ cut to filmed footage of Brad Hall standing on a New York street ]

Brad Hall: This is Brad Hall, filing a special report on crime. I'm standing in the streets of New York City - streets virtually teeming with violent crime. In fact, statistics show, that in New York, a man is mugged every 11 seconds. I would now like you to meet that man. His name is Jesse Donnally, and he's mugged every 11 seconds. Jesse, welcome.

Jesse Donnally: Hi, Brad.. thank you.

Brad Hall: Tell me, Jesse - do you actually get mugged every 11 seconds?

Jesse Donnally: Well, Brad, uh.. that's the average, but, uh.. sometimes I go for more than a minute or so without getting --

[ suddenly, a mugger comes along, throws Jesse to the ground, mugs him and runs off. Jeese collects his composure and stands back up before Brad. ]

Jesse Donnally: -- 11 seconds or so.. is pretty accurate.

Brad Hall: Do you have any idea why criminals like to choose you do often?

Jesse Donnally: Gee, Brad.. you know, I never really thought about it. I guess I'm just an unlucky person, you know? And --

[ suddenly, another mugger comes along, throws Jesse to the ground, mugs him and runs off ]

Brad Hall: [ helps Jesse to his feet ] I suppose you're used to this?

Jesse Donnally: Uh, well.. it's hard to get used to it, you know? It's hard to go to work, you know.. with this kind of stuff going on..

Brad Hall: Well, exactly what do you do?

Jesse Donnally: Uh.. I'm a marriage counselor.

Brad Hall: Oh. Are you married yourself?

Jesse Donnally: Uh.. yes, yes. You know, it was really hard getting through the wedding ceremony, with --



[ suddenly, another mugger comes along, throws Jesse to the ground, seizes his jacket and runs off ]

Brad Hall: Is it actually money that criminals are usually looking for?

Jesse Donnally: Yeah. Definitely money they want. That's why I carry an instant credit card, you know, to go to the bank and get the cash --

[ a little girl comes along, mugs Jesse, and runs off ]

Jesse Donnally: -- for emergencies.. I like to do that.

Brad Hall: Well.. thank you for spending some of your valuable time with us.

Jesse Donnally: Thank you, Brad.

Brad Hall: Good luck to you in the near future.

Jesse Donnally: Good luck to you, Brad.

[ once again, a mugger comes along and hits up Jesse ]

Brad Hall: Crime. It affects all of us. And it affects Jesse Donnally every 11 seconds. This is Brad Hall, for SNL News, in New York. [ turns to see Jesse getting mugged yet again ] Yeah, 11 seconds - right on time!

[ back to Robin Williams in the studio ]

Robin Williams: Thank you, Brad! Thank you very much!

The Oscar nominations will be announced this week, and it's rumored that Jack Nicholson is very nervous. He's been known to say: [ in Nicholson voice ] "I'm so damn happy to be nominated, it cuts through all the bovine residue in Hollywood!"

But.. the big news this week is.. yes, Yuri Andropov is dead. He's bought the collective farm, as they say. Yes. The Kremlin is now considering candidates for Yuri Andropov's successor. Possible replacements include party beaurocrat Constantine Ivan Chernenko.. economic reformer Gregory "Boom-Boom" Romanov.. one of the younger possibilities, Mikhail "Cha Cha" Gorbachev.. also, tough guy Charles Bronson.. "M*A*S*H" favorite, Jamie Farr.. and Bullwinkle's nemesis , Boris Badenov.

Also, in Poland today, Warsaw Geneal Jankowski gave this very moving eulogy: [ holds up face-painted hand and uses Senor Casa voice ] "For me, he is great, great friend. It is very difficult for me to say this.. but I felt like I was his right hand! Bless you!"

Thank you, General Jankowski! Now, here is Tim Kazurinsky, our on-the-spot correspondent. Tim! Take it away, boy!

Tim Kazurinsky: Thank you, Robin.

Robin Williams: Not bad for a dollar!

Tim Kazurinsky: [ laughs ] You know. I thought I could trust The New York Post. Under the leadership of Rupert Murdoch, the Post has given us such memorable headlines as.. [ holds up newspaper ] "The Sheiks Hit The Fan!" And.. "Khomeini's Kamikazes." And, my personal favorite: "Grandmother Dies of AIDS." So, yesterday, when the Post ame out with the headline.. "Andropov Dead".. I was shocked! It's clear, it's concise, it's factual. In every way, it's a departure from what I've come to expect from The Post. They even spelled his name right.

What happened? Why didn't they report Yuri's death like this: [ holds up fake headlines ] "Russia Goes Topless". "Iron Curtain Call". "Yuri Stiffs Russia". Or.. Lenin Gets Roommate". Where, I ask you, are the bad puns? [ holds up more fake headlines ] Like: "Flu-1, Yuri-0". "Vodkaput". "Andro-Poof" Don't tell me that the Post fired the lousy poet who wrote headlines like: "How-Now Mos-Cow".. "Bury Yuri In A Hurry".. "Redsky Dedsky".. or "Stinko Pinko Sinko".

[ holds up the real "Andropov Dead" headline again ]

Is this the new New York Post? What can I say? The thrill is gone. Robin?

Robin Williams: Thank you, Tim!

Tim Kazurinsky: Thank you, Robin.

Robin Williams: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen! [ holds up face-painted hand again ] And that is the news.. Thank you, Timmy!


SNL Transcripts