Patty's Place

Patty Gordon ... Mary Gross
Deborah Scott ... Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Dale Butterworth ... Tim Kazurinsky

[SUPER: Patty's Place - Music: Freddy "Boom-Boom" Cannon's 1963 pop song "Patty Baby" - Talk show set. Host Patty Gordon is flanked by two guests.]

Patty Gordon: Hello! I'm Patty Gordon! And welcome to Patty's Place! Tonight, my guests ...

Deborah Scott: Uh huh. That's right, Patty.

Patty Gordon: Uh ... are two very unique people. They're both suffering from a rare disease that causes them to be out of sync with the rest of the world. Imagine that! For example, this is Deborah Scott. She's actually living thirty seconds ahead of the rest of us. Isn't that right, Deborah? [Deborah ignores Patty and stares into space] Oh, uh, of course, uh, she's already answered, see? [chuckles] And this is Dale Butterworth. He's living thirty seconds behind the rest of us. Welcome to the show, Dale. [Dale does not respond]

Deborah Scott: Oh, that's a good idea, Patty.

Patty Gordon: No, actually, I was talking to, uh-- Oh, oh, I see! Oh, my! This is confusing! Ha! Well, uh, why don't we let Dale, you know, um, catch up with us later and I'll start with you, Deborah. All right? [Deborah does not respond] Oh, oh, of course, you've already responded to that! [chuckles] Oh, my! [chuckles]

Dale Butterworth: Thank you. It's a pleasure to be here.

Patty Gordon: Oh, my!

Deborah Scott: [laughs] That's very funny, Dale! That's great! [chuckles]

Patty Gordon: [to Deborah] What? He said something funny? Oh! Oh, I see! He's going to say something funny. [to the audience] Well, maybe we should just, uh, wait for it.

[Long pause as Patty waits for Dale's comment which finally comes:]

Dale Butterworth: You know, Deborah and I should start a singing group. Uh, we could sing rounds like "Row, Row, Row Your Boat."

Patty Gordon: Oh, yes. [ironic, to Dale] Very amusing. Heh. [ironic, to the crowd] Well, worth waiting for!

Deborah Scott: [points to Dale in horror] Ewww! Oh, God! Look at him! That is disgusting! Oh, I can't believe it!

Patty Gordon: [panicking] What? What? What is he doing? What's he going to do? Oh! Oh, boy! Oh! Oh, my! Oh!

[As Deborah winces, Patty watches as Dale rears back and sneezes into a handkerchief. When he lowers the handkerchief, a long white string of snot is revealed, dangling from one nostril. The Studio 8H crowd roars its disgust.]

Patty Gordon: [horrified] Ohhhhh! Excuse me! Ohhhh! Mr. Butterworth, you've got - you've got a thing there! You've got a-- Oh, he can't hear me! He can't hear me - yet! I mean, I gotta sit here for thirty seconds with that-- This is NOT good TV!

Deborah Scott: [gasps, points at Dale] Oh! now look at him! Oh, my God! Look at what he's doing! I'm gonna be sick!

Patty Gordon: [panicking, to Deborah] What? What's he gonna do?

Deborah Scott: Look at that!

Patty Gordon: [to Deborah] Is it really bad? Should - should I just say "Good night"?

Deborah Scott: Oh, God, I can't believe it! Ewww!

Patty Gordon: Oh, no! Oh, my! Oh, we'd better go! Uh oh! Oh oh! See you next week on Patty's Place! Oh, my!

[Music: "Patty Baby" - Cheers and applause as we pull back - SUPER: Patty's Place - and, just before we dissolve to a bumper card, we catch a glimpse of Dale lifting the string of snot to his mouth to eat it.]

Submitted Anonymously

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