Paula Poundstone Stand-Up

... Paula Poundstone



Robin Williams: Ladies and gentlemen, here's a very, very special lady, a good friend of mine from San Francisco, Miss Paula Poundstone.

[Applause for schnooky brunette stand-up comic in a mannish gray suit who enters and grabs a microphone from a stool.]

Paula Poundstone: Thanks very much. Thanks very much! It's really nice to be here. I'm havin' a terrific time already. I love it here. Nice crisp, cold weather like that. I live in San Francisco, I hate it. It's, uh, it's like foggy and rainy and cold all the time. [Someone in the crowd goes "Awwwww!"] This year, it rained January through April. I don't think I'm a wimp about weather. When it first started to rain, I said, "Terrific. It's sort of romantic, really. I'll break up an old chair for kindling, buy a bottle of wine, sit in front of the fire for the day." Two months later, a hopeless alcoholic with no furniture ... No more of this for me but thanks. It rains there. We had blackouts. My lights went out one night. I was all by myself in the house. I - I freaked out. I said, "There's a guy in the basement. He flipped a switch. He's comin' up to kill me and that's all there is to it." Then I looked out the window and I saw the whole neighborhood was out and I was kind of relieved 'cause I thought maybe he'll start at the end of the block. ...

Kind of a raving paranoiac and I admit that openly. I, uh-- That's why I never used to drive. I had a license for six years and I never drove 'cause I always thought that I would hurt somebody. And finally I decided, I don't care, I don't even like people that much. ... If a couple people have to die because I have to get to a Jack-in-the-Box, I'm sorry. ... I, uh, I'm only kidding. I've actually really tried to be safe about this. I took driving lessons with Norm from Sears Driving School. And I'm still a really bad driver. When I parallel park, I have to use up a tank of gas. ... And I have to take up a couple o' lanes for a little while. I don't want to -- I have to. That's the only way I can do it. I bring those orange detour cones, put 'em out in the area I'm gonna be usin' ... and I get to work. Fortunately, my car doesn't have power steering so I can actually lose weight while parking ... which is helpful. And people are so mean to me: Even if they can pull around me, they won't. They pull up and yell. Like I'm therapy for everyone. I don't like this. ... I don't know what they're so mad about. I'm the one who can't drive. ... I'm furious! I roll down my window and get into it with them. I say, "Hey! What the hell do I think I'm doin' here?! ... Am I gonna move my butt or am I gonna have to move it for me?! ... Where'd I learn to drive anyway -- Sears?!" ...

My car actually has been a total nightmare. I've had it for-- It's my very first car. I've had it for four and a half months and it's been in the shop twenty-three times. ... The brakes have been done three times. Obviously, I'm being ripped off but I don't know enough on the subject to, er, to argue with the mechanics. All I know is that I vacuum it twice a week, so it's not the interior. ... See, don't even bother checkin' that carpeting, that baby's clean but thank you so much. ... I fixed one thing myself once. Ah, used to make a noise when you hit the brake and so I put in a stereo. ... It's really not a problem any more. Actually, having a car has made me appreciate walking, for one thing. I, uh-- The other day, I walked smack into a tree. I said, "Good thing I'm not drivin'." ... Probably saved a couple thou' right there. [cheers and applause] Thanks. Thanks, that was a very special moment and I think we touched right then. ... Not - not physically, 'cause that would be gross. ...

Yeah, I actually think my best friend in the whole world is my car, though. I named it "Dave" after my friend Evan. And, uh ... I don't know, I know that that's kind of weird and I figure someday it's gonna breakdown and then I'll have a breakdown right afterwards. And they'll find me standing on the side of the road ranting and raving, yelling at it like I'm its parent. Saying, [as if to a child] "Do you have you any idea how much money I've spent on you this month alone, hm? ... I give and give and give to you. Could you maybe take me two, three more miles? Oh, no! ... Look at all the other cars -- they're moving! ... Had to have brake shoes. I buy them for you. You won't wear them!" ...

It's so frustrating 'cause I think mechanics are the biggest rip-off in the entire world and, uh, they can get away with it. [applause] Now they've gone and made us mad! No, they do. They get away with it like criminals get away with everything. Remember the five hundred and sixty pound criminal who was released from jail because he had asthma? So, jail was "bad" for him? ... Who made up this rule? ... I thought that was the whole idea - was that jail was at least supposed to be a little bit bad for ya. ... Apparently, not any more. Apparently, now, it's like, "Sorry! Got claustrophobia. Can't go. Wish I could. Sorry." ... "Electric chair? No way! Even a heating pad gives me a rash!" ... And they let Hinckley off. And then Sirhan Sirhan, the guy who shot Robert Kennedy was actually up for parole again this year. Not only that, he told the parole board he thought if Kennedy were alive today, he would speak in his favor and say "Let the guy go." What a tough break, huh? The one guy who woulda supported this guy -- and he shot him! ... [applause]

You've been a terrific crowd. Thank you very much. Thanks a lot.

[cheers and applause - fade]


Submitted Anonymously


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