Rock & Roll & Then Some
Buzzy Free.....Joe Piscopo
Clarence Walker.....Eddie Murphy
Buzzy Free: Hi, everybody! This is Buzzy Free, and welcome to "Rock & Roll & Then Some" Our guest today ish ere because it's the 20th anniversary of the Beatles invasion of America. His name is Clarence Walker, and he claims that he conceived the group's image and wrote most of the music. And was, in fact, the fifth Beatle and head singer before being kicked out of the group in 1963. Hello, Clarence.
Clarence Walker: Hello, man.
Buzzy Free: So. You "invented" The Beatles?
Clarence Walker: Yeah, man, I was ripped off by the whole group, and the whole group got a behind kicking coming to them when I see 'em! I been lookin' for them boys since 1962, and that's why they got that around-the-clock security in their house, 'cause they know that when Clarence Walker find 'me, he gonna take a chunk out of their behind!
Buzzy Free: Okay, Clarence. Can you prooove you were the fifth Beatle?
Clarence Walker: Yes, I can prove it, man. And I suggest you take that sarcasm out your voice alright? I'm serious!
Buzzy Free: I'm sorry, Clarence, it's just.. the whole thing seems absurd --
Clarence Walker: Yeah, well say it seems absurd, then, man! Don't patronize me, alright? 'Cause I'll kick your behind right here on national television! I was the fifth Beatle! I have proof!
Buzzy Free: Alright, what is that proof, Clarence?
Clarence Walker: Well, here's a photograph of us, back in 1962. Before they kicked me out of the group.
[ Clarence holds up doctored photo of The Beatles in a studio session, with Clarence on saxophone in the middle ]
Clarence Walker: That's John.. that's Ringo.. that's me in the middle, that's me, Clarance.. that's George.. and that's Paul.
Buzzy Free: Well, now, I never heard any saxophone - I see you're holding a sax, I never heard a saxophone in any early Beatles music..
Clarence Walker: Are you crazy, man? most of them early songs was mostly sax, man! But they stole it from me! What they did was - they took my voice out, they took the saxophone out - it was gone, alright? I did most of the lead vocals, too, alright? Let me tell you something - when I see them boys, I'm gonna put my foot so deep into them, their breath's gonna smell like shoe polish!
Buzzy Free: Well, can you give us an example of what you wrote, and what they changed?
Clarence Walker: Yes, I can! "She Loves You", was originally titled "She Loves You, Man." And "Help", was originally titled "Help Me, Man!" And "She's Got A Ticket To Ride", was originally "She's Got A Ticket To Ride And The Bitch Don't Care, Man"!
Buzzy Free: Clarence.. what about the clothing, and they way they wore their hair?
Clarence Walker: All that is my idea! I molded those boys - I was the msot dominant one! See, that was the way we was described back then! John was the wise guy, Paul was the cute one, George was the quiet one, and Ringo was the shy one. And Clarence was the most dominant one. I'm older than the boys! In the beginning, they used to everything that I did! In fact, here's a picture of us back in 1961, when they was called The Clarences!
[ Clarence holds up doctored photo of him and The Beatles sporting afros with "The Clarences" written on the photo ]
Clarence Walker: See, that's me right there.. and that's George.. there's John.. that's Ringo.. and that's Paul. I taught them how to pick there afros and everything out, man! Paul still use Afro Sheen because of me!
Buzzy Free: Well.. this is astonishing.. I wonder if you have any of your early jam sessions --
Clarence Walker: Yes, I do! Yes, I do! I brought some of the early music, and I have it in a medley form, so you can listen it. You can hear us and our original jam sessions. Listen to the original Beatles here. Listen up!
[ Clarence turns on a tape recorder ]
[ saxophone sounds are heard over "I Want To Hold Your Hand" ]
Beatles: "Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!"
Voice of Clarence: Ha! Come on, y'all!
Beatles: "Oh, yeah, I'll!"
Voice of Clarence: Man!
Beatles: Tell you something!
Voice of Clarence: Man!
Beatles: I think you'll understand!
[ medley moves on to "Love Me Do" ]
Beatles: "Love, love me do.."
Voice of Clarence: [ speaking ]
My darling, I will truly love me, if you love me do.
And I will always, always be true
If you'll just give your love to me
And always remember to just..
Love me.. do!
Beatles: "Oh, love me do.."
Voice of Clarence: You so sexy!
[ Buzzy interrupts Clarence's tape ]
Buzzy Free: Clarence.. Clarence, I gotta tell you - that really doesn't prove anything. I mean, you could have dubbed that over, I'm sorry.
Clarence Walker: I didn't dub that over, man! That's original music! If you want to hear something else, just to prove that they stole it from me and they know that they ripped me off, I can play this thing backwards, and you can hear them talking about it! you can hear John Lennon, I'll play it backwards, listen really close!
[ Clarence plays his tape in reverse ]
Voice of John Lennon: Hey, Paul! Let's get rid of Clarence and steal all his good ideas!
Voice of Paul McCartney: Yeah!
Buzzy Free: Well! I'll tell you, Clarence - you've convinced me, and I hope you get everything that you deserve.
Clarence Walker: Well, thanks a lot, man. You see, I don't want much, I'm a very modest man, you know? All I want to do is get my rent straight, get my head together. All I need is about seven grand - $7,200 to get straight, that's all I want. I ain't greedy.
Buzzy Free: About seven grand..?
Clarence Walker: Seven grand, that's all I need. But they got behind kickin's comin' to them!
Buzzy Free: Good luck to you! This is Buzzy Free!
Clarence Walker: I want a chunk out of each of your behinds!
[ fade ]