Wild Kingdom of Heaven
Dr. Farrow Oaklin ... Robin Williams
1st Woman ... Mary Gross
2nd Woman ... Julia Louis-Dreyfus
3rd Woman ... Robin Duke
[Organ music. Oily, big-haired televangelist Dr.
Farrow Oaklin, in powder blue suit, addresses the
camera with thick Southern accent.]
Dr. Farrow Oaklin: Good evening, friends! ...
Is there someone in your household who's in need of
the Lord? Someone who has strayed from the path,
turned against his loved ones, chewed up the furniture
or made sissy on the Persian rug? Well, then, friends,
I want you to pick up that troubled house pet, put his
paws on the television so he may feel his Master's
voice here on "Wild Kingdom of Heaven"! [SUPER: Wild
Kingdom of Heaven]
Don Pardo V/O: Wild Kingdom of Heaven --
featuring the evangelical veterinarian Dr. Farrow
Dr. Farrow Oaklin: [basks in applause, imitates
a cat] Thank you, my pets, whether you be furred or
feathered! Come on down, take anything you need! Thank
you for the warmth of your welcome. You know, for
those of you with faith, there're no runts in the
litter of the Lord! Now, who will be the first to be
healed?! [1st Woman enters, carrying an adorable dog
to the televangelist's podium as the crowd oohs and
ahhs] Oh, yes! What is his name?
1st Woman: Fluffy.
Dr. Farrow Oaklin: Fluffy. Yes. And what is
1st Woman: He doesn't obey.
Dr. Farrow Oaklin: Oh, no! [holds Fluffy who
tries to get away from him] You know, Fluffy,
disobedience is the devil's milk bone. You can't play
fetch with the devil because he always fakes the
throw. I'm over here, Fluffy, come on back now! [takes
Fluffy in his arms] You know, Fluffy, I want you to
recite your Ten Commands with me right now. Are you
ready? Thou shalt stay! Thou shalt sit! Thou shalt not
tug at thy master's leash! Thou shalt not make strange
offerings in thy house or thy neighbor's house! And
thou shalt not mount thy master's leg! Do you
understand me? [to the woman] And now, is he ready to
1st Woman: Yes, he is.
Dr. Farrow Oaklin: Are you ready, Fluffy?
[Fluffy struggles to get away] Hold on, you're not
gettin' away now! Fluffy, are you ready to speak now,
Fluffy? Speak! Speak, Fluffy! [Fluffy does not speak,
to the woman] The dog is mute, is he not? [Woman nods]
Well, bring him back next week, we'll try
1st Woman: All right. [Woman takes Fluffy who
finally yelps - she exits with the dog]
Dr. Farrow Oaklin: [watches them go] Come on
home, Fluffy. Take him back to that happy litter box,
you know what I'm sayin'! Who is the next one to be
healed here tonight? [2nd Woman brings out a white
cat] Ohhh, look! A fallen feline!
2nd Woman: Yes.
Dr. Farrow Oaklin: What is his name?
2nd Woman: Well, this is Jennifer and she's
impossible. She's ruined the couch, she refuses to use
the litter box and now she's developed
Dr. Farrow Oaklin: Hairballs! Oh, no! Jennifer,
you have licked yourself in only a way that kitties
can! [holds the cat in his hands] Well, come to me,
Jennifer, now. You know you have wandered through the
alley of the shadow of death, have you not, now?
Jennifer, I want to do something special, I'm gonna
make the demon hairball be gone. [coughs and screeches
like a cat, turns to woman] YES! It is gone now!
[gives the cat back to the grateful woman] She feels
it! Take some holy litter with you! Go on through!
[Woman exits with cat. Organ music begins. The
televangelist addresses the camera again.]
Dr. Farrow Oaklin: You know, friends! Our
ministry does some wonderful things but maintaining
kennels in Africa and building pet seminaries costs
money. That's why I must ask for your contributions.
For every ten dollar donation you send us, you'll
receive this replica of the original Shroud of Lassie!
[holds up a tan blanket with an image of Lassie]
That's right! A woolen dog blanket bearing the
resemblance of the most wonderful collie the world has
ever known. And, also, if you send us twenty-five
dollars, you'll receive this album, "Hymns That Only
Dogs Can Hear." [holds up record album entitled "Hymns
Only Dogs Can Hear" with photo of the RCA Victor dog
on the cover] And a copy of my new book, "Bark If You
Love Jesus"! [holds up the book] Come on home. I think
we're ready for our next pilgrim. Come on down, come
on down. [3rd Woman enters with bucket of fried
chicken] What is his name?
3rd Woman: Plucky.
Dr. Farrow Oaklin: Plucky!
3rd Woman: Yes, he - he ran away about a week
ago and this is how I found him.
Dr. Farrow Oaklin: Well, Plucky! [pulls a fried
chicken leg out of the bucket] Looks like Plucky's
already seen the fires of hell! Well, he's been dipped
in the seven spices! You know this! Many of you say,
"No, Plucky's history! There's no hope for him." Do
not despair! [mangles his next line] Because thanks to
the new Curlin Harnell Sanders-- Colonel-- [ad libs]
I'm struck with tongue! [struggles to continue] Thanks
to the new Curlin' - Colonel Harlan Sanders! [to the
Lord above] Thank you! [to the crowd] Thank you!
[cheers and applause] To his Memorial Burn Unit,
Plucky can have a second chance. You know?! But
artificial giblets and skin grafts cost money so,
friends, I want you to send your free will donation
here to me, Dr. Farrow Oaklin. So, come on home to
this very station right here! We'll be here next week!
And remember: All of us are pets in the House of the
Lord but few of us can sleep on the couch! So, come on
home! [screeches like a cat] YES!
[Organ music swells, cheers and applause as we pull
back and fade out.]