Wild Kingdom of Heaven

Dr. Farrow Oaklin ... Robin Williams
1st Woman ... Mary Gross
2nd Woman ... Julia Louis-Dreyfus
3rd Woman ... Robin Duke

[Organ music. Oily, big-haired televangelist Dr. Farrow Oaklin, in powder blue suit, addresses the camera with thick Southern accent.]

Dr. Farrow Oaklin: Good evening, friends! ... Is there someone in your household who's in need of the Lord? Someone who has strayed from the path, turned against his loved ones, chewed up the furniture or made sissy on the Persian rug? Well, then, friends, I want you to pick up that troubled house pet, put his paws on the television so he may feel his Master's voice here on "Wild Kingdom of Heaven"! [SUPER: Wild Kingdom of Heaven]

Don Pardo V/O: Wild Kingdom of Heaven -- featuring the evangelical veterinarian Dr. Farrow Oaklin!

Dr. Farrow Oaklin: [basks in applause, imitates a cat] Thank you, my pets, whether you be furred or feathered! Come on down, take anything you need! Thank you for the warmth of your welcome. You know, for those of you with faith, there're no runts in the litter of the Lord! Now, who will be the first to be healed?! [1st Woman enters, carrying an adorable dog to the televangelist's podium as the crowd oohs and ahhs] Oh, yes! What is his name?

1st Woman: Fluffy.

Dr. Farrow Oaklin: Fluffy. Yes. And what is Fluffy's affliction?

1st Woman: He doesn't obey.

Dr. Farrow Oaklin: Oh, no! [holds Fluffy who tries to get away from him] You know, Fluffy, disobedience is the devil's milk bone. You can't play fetch with the devil because he always fakes the throw. I'm over here, Fluffy, come on back now! [takes Fluffy in his arms] You know, Fluffy, I want you to recite your Ten Commands with me right now. Are you ready? Thou shalt stay! Thou shalt sit! Thou shalt not tug at thy master's leash! Thou shalt not make strange offerings in thy house or thy neighbor's house! And thou shalt not mount thy master's leg! Do you understand me? [to the woman] And now, is he ready to be healed?

1st Woman: Yes, he is.

Dr. Farrow Oaklin: Are you ready, Fluffy? [Fluffy struggles to get away] Hold on, you're not gettin' away now! Fluffy, are you ready to speak now, Fluffy? Speak! Speak, Fluffy! [Fluffy does not speak, to the woman] The dog is mute, is he not? [Woman nods] Well, bring him back next week, we'll try again!

1st Woman: All right. [Woman takes Fluffy who finally yelps - she exits with the dog]

Dr. Farrow Oaklin: [watches them go] Come on home, Fluffy. Take him back to that happy litter box, you know what I'm sayin'! Who is the next one to be healed here tonight? [2nd Woman brings out a white cat] Ohhh, look! A fallen feline!

2nd Woman: Yes.

Dr. Farrow Oaklin: What is his name?

2nd Woman: Well, this is Jennifer and she's impossible. She's ruined the couch, she refuses to use the litter box and now she's developed hairballs.

Dr. Farrow Oaklin: Hairballs! Oh, no! Jennifer, you have licked yourself in only a way that kitties can! [holds the cat in his hands] Well, come to me, Jennifer, now. You know you have wandered through the alley of the shadow of death, have you not, now? Jennifer, I want to do something special, I'm gonna make the demon hairball be gone. [coughs and screeches like a cat, turns to woman] YES! It is gone now! [gives the cat back to the grateful woman] She feels it! Take some holy litter with you! Go on through! Thank you!

[Woman exits with cat. Organ music begins. The televangelist addresses the camera again.]

Dr. Farrow Oaklin: You know, friends! Our ministry does some wonderful things but maintaining kennels in Africa and building pet seminaries costs money. That's why I must ask for your contributions. For every ten dollar donation you send us, you'll receive this replica of the original Shroud of Lassie! [holds up a tan blanket with an image of Lassie] That's right! A woolen dog blanket bearing the resemblance of the most wonderful collie the world has ever known. And, also, if you send us twenty-five dollars, you'll receive this album, "Hymns That Only Dogs Can Hear." [holds up record album entitled "Hymns Only Dogs Can Hear" with photo of the RCA Victor dog on the cover] And a copy of my new book, "Bark If You Love Jesus"! [holds up the book] Come on home. I think we're ready for our next pilgrim. Come on down, come on down. [3rd Woman enters with bucket of fried chicken] What is his name?

3rd Woman: Plucky.

Dr. Farrow Oaklin: Plucky!

3rd Woman: Yes, he - he ran away about a week ago and this is how I found him.

Dr. Farrow Oaklin: Well, Plucky! [pulls a fried chicken leg out of the bucket] Looks like Plucky's already seen the fires of hell! Well, he's been dipped in the seven spices! You know this! Many of you say, "No, Plucky's history! There's no hope for him." Do not despair! [mangles his next line] Because thanks to the new Curlin Harnell Sanders-- Colonel-- [ad libs] I'm struck with tongue! [struggles to continue] Thanks to the new Curlin' - Colonel Harlan Sanders! [to the Lord above] Thank you! [to the crowd] Thank you! [cheers and applause] To his Memorial Burn Unit, Plucky can have a second chance. You know?! But artificial giblets and skin grafts cost money so, friends, I want you to send your free will donation here to me, Dr. Farrow Oaklin. So, come on home to this very station right here! We'll be here next week! And remember: All of us are pets in the House of the Lord but few of us can sleep on the couch! So, come on home! [screeches like a cat] YES!

[Organ music swells, cheers and applause as we pull back and fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

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