Billy Crystal's SNL Story

... Billy Crystal
... Dave Wilson

[Applause for host Billy Crystal who stands in front of a fancy backdrop labeled "MUSIC HALL" and addresses the camera.]

Billy Crystal: Thank you. I-- [waits for applause to end] I am, uh, especially thrilled to be the host of Saturday Night Live tonight. This is show three-seventy. Three hundred and seventy shows. I was part of - the first show. You may not have-- [scattered applause] But you didn't see me. ... And that is what this story's quickly about.

You know, when you're doing something new-- This was 1975 and I was a new comic. I was "Bill" Crystal then -- I was too hip for the "Y" and-- ... There was this exciting show called Saturday Night Live and we were here and I was part of the first show. The guest host was George Carlin and there was Andy Kaufman, Valri Bromfield who's on "The New Show," Billy Preston, Janis Ian and it was great. And that cast who you loved.

Now, things happen when you do a show -- especially a show like this and you see how crazy we are -- things movin', things gettin' cut, "Is this gonna work? That's gonna work?," the show was different in dress rehearsal than it is now and stuff. I was part of that. A piece of material I did was too long for the show -- and I got bumped. I wasn't on the first show. I walked out those doors there. [points] Had to call my relatives, which was the worst. [imitating old Jewish man on the phone] "What do you mean?! What did you do?! Did you get FIRED?!" ...

So now I want to do for you the piece of material I didn't get a chance to do nine years ago. Okay? [applause] So--

Voice of director Dave Wilson: Billy, Billy, Billy!

Billy Crystal: [looks up] What? What?

Voice of director Dave Wilson: I'm sorry, Billy, you won't be able to do it. We're out of time.

Billy Crystal: [annoyed and disappointed] Ohhhh. [apologetic, to the camera] I'll see you in another nine years. [to the director] That's not fair, Dave! That's not fair!

[Applause as we dissolve to a bumper photo of Crystal, his hand to his face with one eye peeking out between his spread fingers.]

Submitted Anonymously

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