Teacher ... Robin Duke
Mr. York ... Billy Crystal
Roger ... Jim Belushi
1st Student ... Gary Kroeger
2nd Student ... Tim Kazurinsky
3rd Student ... Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Sleeping Student ... Brad Hall
[High school classroom. CLASS OF '84 COLLEGE DAY is
written on the chalkboard. The students chatter
noisily as the teacher brings the class to
Teacher: Okay! Students! Students, could we
have quiet, please? Students! Students, this is Mr.
York. He's from Winston University.
[The teacher sits as the wimpy, bespectacled college
recruiter Mr. York stands at the front of the room in
front of an easel displaying a large card with a color
photo of the campus and struggles through a weak sales
Mr. York: Thank you. [hesitantly, to the class]
Hi. Um, Winston University is a four-year liberal arts
institution which is located just thirty-five miles
west of Boulder, Colorado. Uh, you kids like to ski?
[The apathetic students pay little attention to any of
this. Someone responds unenthusiastically.]
Mr. York: No? 'Kay. [next card shows a photo of
a science building] Uh, this is the science
building. And we've got excellent laboratory
facilities on campus, very modern equipment. Is, uh,
anyone here interested in science? [long pause,
no response] No?
[Suddenly, a jock named Roger, wearing football shirt
and sunglasses, speaks up.]
Mr. York: You?
Roger: Yeah. I - I'm interested in, uh,
aerodynamics. Look! [throws a paper airplane and makes
loud noises, imitating a screaming fighter jet
shooting exploding missiles, etc. He and the other
Teacher: [rises, sternly] Roger! Roger, behave
yourself! Turn-- Roger, turn around! [chastises the
class] Now, you people are seniors now! This College
Day is for your benefit! You only have two more
years to decide about your future -- so I suggest that
you pay attention. [returning to her seat] Go ahead,
Mr. York: Thank you. [points to the science
building photo] Uh, this is the main quad. [realizes
he's got the wrong card, reveals the next card with a
photo of the quad] Uh, er, right, uh, here.
There's the main quad. Heh. It's been a while
since I been on the campus. Eh, this is the main quad.
This is where most of the freshman dormitories are.
Uh, now, if - if you're a freshman there, you - you're
required to use the dorms for the freshman year.
[students groan] Oh, you'll like them, they're very
nice. [suddenly clutching his head in pain] Oh, excuse
me. Ohhh. Oooh.
Teacher: [rises] Mister - Mister York, are you
Mr. York: I - I'm - I'm sorry. I have a
terrible headache. Do you have any aspirin?
Teacher: Oh, yes, there's some up in the
Mr. York: Thank you.
Teacher: I'll go get some.
Mr. York: Thank you very much.
Teacher: [heads to the door, admonishes the
class] Now, you kids behave yourself. [students
grumble reluctant agreement] I'll be right
[The teacher exits out the door. Mr. York, who has
faked his headache in order to get the teacher out of
the room, cautiously hurries to the door and shuts it
Mr. York: [urgently, to the students] How long
will it take her to get back here? [whips off his
eyeglasses] HOW LONG, DAMN IT?! [the students jump in
1st Student: I don't know -- about three
Mr. York: Okay. [slaps a sleeping student] WAKE
UP! LET'S GO! [hauls the student out of his chair and
points to the nearby window] CLOSE THOSE BLINDS! LET'S
GO! [jerks a thumb at the remaining two windows] CLOSE
THOSE BLINDS! LET'S GO! [two students jump up and all
blinds are closed as York rushes to the front of the
room and whips off his jacket] Let's get this thing
Okay, SIT DOWN! [everyone sits, their attention
riveted on the intense York who speaks rapidly but
clearly] Now, listen carefully, I'm about to tell you
something. It's a secret. And if this secret ever
leaves this classroom, I will find you - and I will
kill you. ... [the students look at each other dumbly]
Do you understand? Here's how it works!
[reveals the next card on the easel - an illustration
of a stack of cash split evenly between YOU and
UNIVERSITY] Your parents cough up twelve thousand
dollars a year to send you to Winston University,
right? We split it right down the middle! ... Six
thousand for you, six thousand for us. For four years,
that's twenty-four thousand dollars. Got it?
[the students murmur enthusiastic agreement - next
card shows an illustration of a campus full of false
building fronts] All right, this is the campus. All of
the buildings on campus? FAKE! ... [points to the one
real building] This building is the dormitory. That's
what we use it for on only one day of the year --
Visiting Day, April 12th. We don't care what you do
with the money, we don't care where you go -- but you
must be back on campus Visiting Day, April 12th. ...
If you're not back on campus Visiting Day, April 12th,
we will find you and we will kill you. ...
[students murmur, impressed, "Cool!" - next card is a
reproduction of a diploma] This is your diploma. You
will be handed your diploma when you first arrive on
campus but you are NOT to show it to anybody for four
years. ... If you show your diploma to somebody within
the four-year period, we will find you and we will
kill you. ...
2nd Student: [nerdy guy in sweater and
eyeglasses] Eh, eh, eh, excuse me. But - what about
our education? What about learning? [Roger the
jock smacks him in the back of the head with a book]
... I - I'm sorry. Go on.
Mr. York: Thank you. [next card shows a college
transcript] Your grade point average will be a
three-point-eight! Congratulations! [students cheer
and applaud - next card shows photos of a telephone
operator and U.S. MAIL bags] We have operators on duty
to - to forward all your phone calls. We will be
forwarding your mail. Now--
3rd Student: Wait a minute. Can we really get
away with this?
Mr. York: [next card shows a photo of a massive
crowd of people on a green lawn] Last year, Winston
University had a graduating class of fifty-nine
thousand. ... No books, no tests, no classes! Just
twenty-four thousand dollars and four years to spend
it in! Winston University! Remember our motto -- [next
card reads:] "You Tell Anyone and We'll Kill
[Students cheer and applaud as the teacher returns
with a bottle of aspirin. She is shocked at the
students enthusiasm. York quickly hides the
Mr. York: What's the best college in the
Students: [shouting with enthusiasm] Winston
Mr. York: And where ya gonna spend your next
Students: [shouting with enthusiasm] Winston
Mr. York: Okay, thank you! Take some
applications on the way out.
[York hands out applications as the students excitedly
rush up, grab them and exit the classroom.]
Mr. York: Thank you very much. Nice seeing you.
Right, bye. Bye-bye.
[The teacher watches in amazement as the students
depart. York gathers up his cards and starts to put on
Teacher: [offers York the aspirin bottle] Oh,
here you go.
Mr. York: Oh, oh, oh, thanks but, uh, I'm
feeling much better now.
Teacher: Well, I have never seen my students so
Mr. York: Well--
Teacher: You must be a terrific
Mr. York: Yeah, but the school really sells
Teacher: Well, I can imagine.
Mr. York: [chuckles]
Teacher: You know, a lot of the faculty here
are graduates of Winston University. ...
Mr. York: [quickly] Oh, really? Well, I've got
to go. Thank you very much. Bye. Nice talking to you.
Bye. [hurriedly exits with his cards]
Teacher: [waves good-bye, talks to herself,
thoughtful] No one ever seems to talk about it much
[Applause as the teacher goes to chalkboard and starts
to erase it. Dissolve and pull back to a wider view of
the classroom set surrounded by cameras, lights,
microphones, and the applauding Studio 8H