Winston University

Teacher ... Robin Duke
Mr. York ... Billy Crystal
Roger ... Jim Belushi
1st Student ... Gary Kroeger
2nd Student ... Tim Kazurinsky
3rd Student ... Julia Louis-Dreyfus
Sleeping Student ... Brad Hall

[High school classroom. CLASS OF '84 COLLEGE DAY is written on the chalkboard. The students chatter noisily as the teacher brings the class to order.]

Teacher: Okay! Students! Students, could we have quiet, please? Students! Students, this is Mr. York. He's from Winston University.

[The teacher sits as the wimpy, bespectacled college recruiter Mr. York stands at the front of the room in front of an easel displaying a large card with a color photo of the campus and struggles through a weak sales pitch.]

Mr. York: Thank you. [hesitantly, to the class] Hi. Um, Winston University is a four-year liberal arts institution which is located just thirty-five miles west of Boulder, Colorado. Uh, you kids like to ski?

[The apathetic students pay little attention to any of this. Someone responds unenthusiastically.]

Mr. York: No? 'Kay. [next card shows a photo of a science building] Uh, this is the science building. And we've got excellent laboratory facilities on campus, very modern equipment. Is, uh, anyone here interested in science? [long pause, no response] No?

[Suddenly, a jock named Roger, wearing football shirt and sunglasses, speaks up.]

Roger: Yeah.

Mr. York: You?

Roger: Yeah. I - I'm interested in, uh, aerodynamics. Look! [throws a paper airplane and makes loud noises, imitating a screaming fighter jet shooting exploding missiles, etc. He and the other students laugh.]

Teacher: [rises, sternly] Roger! Roger, behave yourself! Turn-- Roger, turn around! [chastises the class] Now, you people are seniors now! This College Day is for your benefit! You only have two more years to decide about your future -- so I suggest that you pay attention. [returning to her seat] Go ahead, Mr. York.

Mr. York: Thank you. [points to the science building photo] Uh, this is the main quad. [realizes he's got the wrong card, reveals the next card with a photo of the quad] Uh, er, right, uh, here. There's the main quad. Heh. It's been a while since I been on the campus. Eh, this is the main quad. This is where most of the freshman dormitories are. Uh, now, if - if you're a freshman there, you - you're required to use the dorms for the freshman year. [students groan] Oh, you'll like them, they're very nice. [suddenly clutching his head in pain] Oh, excuse me. Ohhh. Oooh.

Teacher: [rises] Mister - Mister York, are you all right?

Mr. York: I - I'm - I'm sorry. I have a terrible headache. Do you have any aspirin?

Teacher: Oh, yes, there's some up in the teachers' lounge.

Mr. York: Thank you.

Teacher: I'll go get some.

Mr. York: Thank you very much.

Teacher: [heads to the door, admonishes the class] Now, you kids behave yourself. [students grumble reluctant agreement] I'll be right back.

[The teacher exits out the door. Mr. York, who has faked his headache in order to get the teacher out of the room, cautiously hurries to the door and shuts it after her.]

Mr. York: [urgently, to the students] How long will it take her to get back here? [whips off his eyeglasses] HOW LONG, DAMN IT?! [the students jump in surprise]

1st Student: I don't know -- about three minutes.

Mr. York: Okay. [slaps a sleeping student] WAKE UP! LET'S GO! [hauls the student out of his chair and points to the nearby window] CLOSE THOSE BLINDS! LET'S GO! [jerks a thumb at the remaining two windows] CLOSE THOSE BLINDS! LET'S GO! [two students jump up and all blinds are closed as York rushes to the front of the room and whips off his jacket] Let's get this thing started.

Okay, SIT DOWN! [everyone sits, their attention riveted on the intense York who speaks rapidly but clearly] Now, listen carefully, I'm about to tell you something. It's a secret. And if this secret ever leaves this classroom, I will find you - and I will kill you. ... [the students look at each other dumbly] Do you understand? Here's how it works!

[reveals the next card on the easel - an illustration of a stack of cash split evenly between YOU and UNIVERSITY] Your parents cough up twelve thousand dollars a year to send you to Winston University, right? We split it right down the middle! ... Six thousand for you, six thousand for us. For four years, that's twenty-four thousand dollars. Got it?

[the students murmur enthusiastic agreement - next card shows an illustration of a campus full of false building fronts] All right, this is the campus. All of the buildings on campus? FAKE! ... [points to the one real building] This building is the dormitory. That's what we use it for on only one day of the year -- Visiting Day, April 12th. We don't care what you do with the money, we don't care where you go -- but you must be back on campus Visiting Day, April 12th. ... If you're not back on campus Visiting Day, April 12th, we will find you and we will kill you. ...

[students murmur, impressed, "Cool!" - next card is a reproduction of a diploma] This is your diploma. You will be handed your diploma when you first arrive on campus but you are NOT to show it to anybody for four years. ... If you show your diploma to somebody within the four-year period, we will find you and we will kill you. ...

2nd Student: [nerdy guy in sweater and eyeglasses] Eh, eh, eh, excuse me. But - what about our education? What about learning? [Roger the jock smacks him in the back of the head with a book] ... I - I'm sorry. Go on.

Mr. York: Thank you. [next card shows a college transcript] Your grade point average will be a three-point-eight! Congratulations! [students cheer and applaud - next card shows photos of a telephone operator and U.S. MAIL bags] We have operators on duty to - to forward all your phone calls. We will be forwarding your mail. Now--

3rd Student: Wait a minute. Can we really get away with this?

Mr. York: [next card shows a photo of a massive crowd of people on a green lawn] Last year, Winston University had a graduating class of fifty-nine thousand. ... No books, no tests, no classes! Just twenty-four thousand dollars and four years to spend it in! Winston University! Remember our motto -- [next card reads:] "You Tell Anyone and We'll Kill You."

[Students cheer and applaud as the teacher returns with a bottle of aspirin. She is shocked at the students enthusiasm. York quickly hides the cards.]

Mr. York: What's the best college in the world?!

Students: [shouting with enthusiasm] Winston University!

Mr. York: And where ya gonna spend your next four years?!

Students: [shouting with enthusiasm] Winston University!

Mr. York: Okay, thank you! Take some applications on the way out.

[York hands out applications as the students excitedly rush up, grab them and exit the classroom.]

Mr. York: Thank you very much. Nice seeing you. Right, bye. Bye-bye.

[The teacher watches in amazement as the students depart. York gathers up his cards and starts to put on his jacket.]

Teacher: [offers York the aspirin bottle] Oh, here you go.

Mr. York: Oh, oh, oh, thanks but, uh, I'm feeling much better now.

Teacher: Well, I have never seen my students so enthusiastic.

Mr. York: Well--

Teacher: You must be a terrific salesman.

Mr. York: Yeah, but the school really sells itself.

Teacher: Well, I can imagine.

Mr. York: [chuckles]

Teacher: You know, a lot of the faculty here are graduates of Winston University. ...

Mr. York: [quickly] Oh, really? Well, I've got to go. Thank you very much. Bye. Nice talking to you. Bye. [hurriedly exits with his cards]

Teacher: [waves good-bye, talks to herself, thoughtful] No one ever seems to talk about it much though. Hmm.

[Applause as the teacher goes to chalkboard and starts to erase it. Dissolve and pull back to a wider view of the classroom set surrounded by cameras, lights, microphones, and the applauding Studio 8H audience.]

Submitted Anonymously

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