Price & Waterhouse

Voice on Intercom.....Mary Gross
Waterhouse.....Jim Belushi
Price.....Tim Kazurinsky
Man.....Brad Hall
Woman.....Julia Louis-Dreyfus



[ open on interior, Price & Waterhouse's private office; Waterhouse sits behind the desk, Price leans in from the front ]

[ intercom buzzes ]

Waterhouse: [ presses button ] Yes?

Intercom: Mr. Price? Mr. Waterhouse? They're here.

Waterhouse: Thank you.

[ Waterhouse walks over to the vaulted door, works an upper combination lock, a lower combination lock, spins the handle and opens the vault door ]

[ a dark-suited, shaded, man handcuffed to a steel briefcase enters, followed by a security guard ]

Man: Mr. Price? Mr. Waterhouse?

Waterhouse: Yes?

Man: The final Academy Award tallies, gentlemen.

[ Waterhouse proceeds to release the handcuffs from the briefcase, as Price holds a Bible to the man's right hand ]

Price: Do you solemnly swear that you have not seen the contents of this briefcase?

Man: I have not, sir.

Price: That'll be all.

Man: Thank you.

[ man and security guard exit the office, as Waterhouse quickly locks it shut ]

Price: You got your half of the combination?

Waterhouse: Yes, I do.

Price: Okay, here's mine.

[ they take out their respective halves of the combination - Waterhouse collects both and reads them off ]

Waterhouse: Okay. 6 left.. 9 right.. 4 left.

[ Price removes a pile of sheets, as Waterhouse collects a stack of envelopes ]

Price: Okay. I'll read the winners, and you pick up the winning envelope, okay?

Waterhouse: Okay. Alright, what do we have for Best Movie?

Price: Best Movie? [ looks on the sheets ] "The Dresser."

Waterhouse: [ with a look of distaste ] I hated that movie. I mean, really - I really hated that movie.

Price: So did I.

Waterhouse: You did?

Price: Yeah. All that, "Can I help with Sir's bedpan?"

Waterhouse: Ugh, that was horrible! Well, I guess, Mr. Price, it's up to us again this year to pick the final tally. [ looks through the sheets ] Alright, let's see.. "The Right Stuff"? [ Price shakes his head ] Too long. "The Big Chill"? Nice soundtrack..

Price: But, uh, far too pretentious.

Waterhouse: Yes. "Tender Mercies"? That was good.

Price: Yes.

Waterhouse: I liked that one. That was a very, very nice film.. [ shuffles envelopes ] Whoop! "Terms of Endearment"!

Price: "Terms of Endearment."

Waterhouse: That's the winner, made me cry!

Price: Made me cry, too.

Waterhouse: Yep, love that Brooks. He did a very good job.

Price: Okay.

Waterhouse: Alright. What's next, Mr. Price?

Price: Let's see, uh.. how about Best Supporting Actor?

Waterhouse: Best Supporting Actor - who do they have?

Price: Sam Shephard.

Waterhouse: [ crinkles his nose ] He sucked.

Price: Are you crazy? Sam Shephard was the only cool thing in that movie. The guy is good!

Waterhouse: That's right, that's right. He's good.. he's good-looking, he's a good actor, he's a great playwright, and he's sleeping with Jessica Lange.

Price: [ now miffed as well, rips Shephard's envelope ] Show-off! Screw it, let's go with uh, Nicholson!

Waterhouse: Nicholson, let's go with Nicholson, definitely. He's balding, he's got a pot-belly - he's a real man! That's a real man!

Price: Yeah.

Waterhouse: Alright, what do we have next? Who do you like for Best Supporting Actress?

Price: Uh.. I don't like none of them.

Waterhouse: Me, either. Pick one.

Price: [ throws stack in the air, and grabs one at random ] And the winner is.. Cher. So, Cher gets the Oscar.

Waterhouse: Wow.

Price: It'll be the shortest guy she's gone out with since Sonny!

Waterhouse: [ chuckles ] Alright, who gets the big one here - Best Actress?

Price: [ reads ] Meryl Streep.

Waterhouse: No!

Price: No?

Waterhouse: No, I'm not going to let this happen again. She won last year, and she didn't even do a foreign accent this year. Forget it!

Price: Besides, she's got no boobs.

Waterhouse: Yeah.

Price: Let's see who's got the biggest set of headlights!

Waterhouse: Alright, let's see. [ reads ] Meryl Streep..

Together: No.

Waterhouse: Shirley MacLaine? Yeah.. but she's old, but..

Price: It's still a good performance..

Waterhouse: Julie Walters..

Price: No.

Waterhouse: No. Jane Alexander?

Price: No.

Together: Debra Winger!!

Waterhouse: Hey!

[ they each kiss Debra Winger's envelope ]

Price: Alright, what's next?

Waterhouse: What's next, is Best Actor.

Price: [ holds up the Academy tallies ] Hey, this thing's useless.

Waterhouse: We don't need it. [ tosses the Academy tallies ]

Price: Okay.

Waterhouse: Alright, who do we got? We got Michael Caine..

Price: Michael Caine..

Waterhouse: Alright.

Price: Tom Conti..

Waterhouse: Alright.

Price: Tom Courtney..

Waterhouse: Alright.

Price: Albert Finney..

Waterhouse: Alright.

Price: Robert Duvall.

Waterhouse: Wait. That's four Englishmen and one American.

Price: Those limeys think we're going to give them an Oscar every year?

Waterhouse: Uh-uh. Uh-uh, that's it - Duvall gets it.

Price: Alright. But, wait, wait, hold it - Duvall didn't say nothing in that movie!

Waterhouse: Yes. I know, Mr. Price. But it's how he said nothing that counts.

Price: Well.. I mean, if that's the case, who says nothing better than anybody else?

Together: [ as it comes to them ] Clint Eastwood!

Waterhouse: Yeah.

Price: Absolutely.

Waterhouse: Let's give it to him. Wait! He's not even nominated.

Together: [ as it comes to them ] Write-in!

[ the intercom buzzes ]

Waterhouse: Yes?

Intercom: Mr. Price, Mr. Waterhouse.. they're here.

Waterhouse: Right with you. [ opens the door to let in a woman carrying a briefcase ]

Woman: Mr. Price, Mr. Wasterhouse - the final tallies for the New York Primary are now officially in your hands. [ hands them the briefcase, and exits ]

Price: I like Mondale.

Waterhouse: I like Hart.

Price: Well.. I like Mondale.

Waterhouse: Hart!

Price: Let's flip for it.

Waterhouse: Alright, heads for Hart.

[ Waterhouse flips the coin, as Price catches it and looks at it without affording Waterhouse a glance ]

Price: Mondale!

Waterhouse: Hey! You cheat! Give it to me!

Price: I did not cheat!

[ they scuffle after the coin, as they tumble off the set and into the audience ]

[ zoom out, fade ]


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