Buddy Young, Jr. is Back!
Buddy Young, Jr. ... Billy Crystal
Announcer V/O: Buddy Young, Jr. is back! Better
get ready! Here comes America's Kamikaze of
[A montage. A sign reads BUDDY YOUNG JR. IS BACK! - A
front page headline in the New York Times reads BUDDY
YOUNG IS INSULTING - A New York Post headline reads
TIMELY - A black and white publicity photo of
cigar-chomping, middle-aged nightclub comedian Buddy
Young - A sign reads APPEARING NOW - Finally, we cut
to film of Buddy on a red-curtained stage, wearing an
ugly maroon tuxedo, insulting audience
Buddy Young, Jr.: Where you from? New Jersey?
What exit? This man's sitting there in a shirt that
William Bendix died in!
[Rim shot. Nightclub customers crack up with
Announcer V/O: Yes, Buddy Young, Jr. is back!
He's got his act together and is taking it out -- on
[Buddy harangues a customer with a toupee.]
Buddy Young, Jr.: I'm talkin' to you, babe.
You, in the polyester wig. You know what I'm sayin'?
Is that a toupee or do you have a bobcat sitting on
top of your head? Huh? You believe this piece? Look at
this. Go for the extra four bucks. Matter of fact, go
bald, babe, okay? Go bald. Better not. [points to
another customer] The Puerto Rican kid's gonna spray
paint your head.
[Cut to a satisfied customer outside the
Satisfied Customer: [grins enthusiastically]
What a night at the theater!
[Cut back to Buddy on stage.]
Buddy Young, Jr.: What stinks? Somethin'
stinks, doesn't it? Lady? Nice body odor -- you smell
[Rim shot. Cut back to the satisfied customer outside
the club standing next to his wife.]
Satisfied Customer: He called me "a Mexican
pus face." And said to my wife, "Lovely face, madam.
I never saw a tuckus with lipstick before."
[Cut back to Buddy, on the nightclub floor, working
Announcer V/O: Buddy Young, Jr. in his comeback
triumph! Audiences can't get enough!
[In the crowd, Buddy trades friendly slaps and
high-fives with a middle-aged black man.]
Buddy Young, Jr.: There ya go! [pats black man
on shoulder] I'm wild about this guy. My grandfather
OWNED this man! I'll tell ya-- Ah, you're too
[Buddy stands with a chubby, frizzy-haired woman who
looks like Marty Allen of the comedy team Allen and
Buddy Young, Jr.: This is Marty Allen in drag,
this lady, I tell ya. [puts his chin in her hair so
that it looks like he has a beard] Look, I'm
[Cut to satisfied customers outside.]
Another Satisfied Customer: [reverently] He
wished me a tumor in my eye and spit in my
[Cut to Buddy on stage as he puts on a hat and plays a
Announcer V/O: Buddy Young, Jr. moves
audiences, too! Clown becomes actor with his condensed
version of "Death of a Salesman"!
[Sad piano music accompanies Buddy's acting
Buddy Young, Jr.: [dead serious, to an
imaginary character] Biff? Biff. Biff, you're
thirty-four years old. [to the nightclub crowd] And he
thinks "An Officer and a Gentleman" is a double
feature! This kid is too wild. That's it, I tell
[Rim shot. Buddy takes off hat, waves it
Announcer V/O: He's a concerned parent!
Buddy Young, Jr.: Like my kid. My kid is
stupid, I tell ya, my kid is a dumb kid. He comes
home, he's got a lump of dog stuff in his hair and I
say, What the hell is that? He goes, "Pop, I almost
stepped in this!" [rim shot] He's unbelievably dumb.
But what we need is Love today! We don't have Love!
You know that! We don't have Love! My wife -- two
hours with a bicycle pump to get the hair up like
Announcer: He's topical!
Buddy Young, Jr.: Phone company drives me nuts.
You got trouble with the phone company? Tell me about
it! The same thing with the life insurance. They don't
know! They got this mental thing--
Announcer V/O: He's a feminist!
Buddy Young, Jr.: Especially to you, lady. You
got enough fat there for two bodies. [rim shot] Let me
introduce a new word to your vocabulary, okay?
"Yogurt." All right? How 'bout these two words, babe?
"Sit ups." Okay, how 'bout this whole sentence? "No, I
couldn't possibly eat more -- marble cake."
Announcer V/O: Most of all, he's Buddy Young,
[Buddy sits on a stool as his nearby pianist
Buddy Young, Jr.: [sings]
If I made you feel bad
If I made you cry
We're all created equal
By that Guy up in the sky
[speaks, points to a customer]
Except for you, sir. You are a perfect example of what
happens when cousins marry. You know what I'm sayin'?
Good night, ladies and gentlemen, get out of here!
Leave me alone for a little while. You know what I'm
[Buddy rises and waves dismissively at the customers
as they give him a standing ovation.]
Announcer V/O: Buddy Young, Jr. is back! Get
insulted this week at the Bowman. Exit 23, New Jersey
Buddy Young, Jr. V/O: I hope you all get a pus
[Freeze frame of Buddy as he exits the