Buddy Young, Jr. is Back!

Buddy Young, Jr. ... Billy Crystal

Announcer V/O: Buddy Young, Jr. is back! Better get ready! Here comes America's Kamikaze of Comedy!

[A montage. A sign reads BUDDY YOUNG JR. IS BACK! - A front page headline in the New York Times reads BUDDY YOUNG IS INSULTING - A New York Post headline reads TIMELY - A black and white publicity photo of cigar-chomping, middle-aged nightclub comedian Buddy Young - A sign reads APPEARING NOW - Finally, we cut to film of Buddy on a red-curtained stage, wearing an ugly maroon tuxedo, insulting audience members:]

Buddy Young, Jr.: Where you from? New Jersey? What exit? This man's sitting there in a shirt that William Bendix died in!

[Rim shot. Nightclub customers crack up with laughter.]

Announcer V/O: Yes, Buddy Young, Jr. is back! He's got his act together and is taking it out -- on everyone!

[Buddy harangues a customer with a toupee.]

Buddy Young, Jr.: I'm talkin' to you, babe. You, in the polyester wig. You know what I'm sayin'? Is that a toupee or do you have a bobcat sitting on top of your head? Huh? You believe this piece? Look at this. Go for the extra four bucks. Matter of fact, go bald, babe, okay? Go bald. Better not. [points to another customer] The Puerto Rican kid's gonna spray paint your head.

[Cut to a satisfied customer outside the club.]

Satisfied Customer: [grins enthusiastically] What a night at the theater!

[Cut back to Buddy on stage.]

Buddy Young, Jr.: What stinks? Somethin' stinks, doesn't it? Lady? Nice body odor -- you smell like landfill.

[Rim shot. Cut back to the satisfied customer outside the club standing next to his wife.]

Satisfied Customer: He called me "a Mexican pus face." And said to my wife, "Lovely face, madam. I never saw a tuckus with lipstick before."

[Cut back to Buddy, on the nightclub floor, working the crowd.]

Announcer V/O: Buddy Young, Jr. in his comeback triumph! Audiences can't get enough!

[In the crowd, Buddy trades friendly slaps and high-fives with a middle-aged black man.]

Buddy Young, Jr.: There ya go! [pats black man on shoulder] I'm wild about this guy. My grandfather OWNED this man! I'll tell ya-- Ah, you're too much!

[Buddy stands with a chubby, frizzy-haired woman who looks like Marty Allen of the comedy team Allen and Rossi.]

Buddy Young, Jr.: This is Marty Allen in drag, this lady, I tell ya. [puts his chin in her hair so that it looks like he has a beard] Look, I'm Lincoln!

[Cut to satisfied customers outside.]

Another Satisfied Customer: [reverently] He wished me a tumor in my eye and spit in my drink!

[Cut to Buddy on stage as he puts on a hat and plays a character.]

Announcer V/O: Buddy Young, Jr. moves audiences, too! Clown becomes actor with his condensed version of "Death of a Salesman"!

[Sad piano music accompanies Buddy's acting performance.]

Buddy Young, Jr.: [dead serious, to an imaginary character] Biff? Biff. Biff, you're thirty-four years old. [to the nightclub crowd] And he thinks "An Officer and a Gentleman" is a double feature! This kid is too wild. That's it, I tell ya--

[Rim shot. Buddy takes off hat, waves it dismissively.]

Announcer V/O: He's a concerned parent!

Buddy Young, Jr.: Like my kid. My kid is stupid, I tell ya, my kid is a dumb kid. He comes home, he's got a lump of dog stuff in his hair and I say, What the hell is that? He goes, "Pop, I almost stepped in this!" [rim shot] He's unbelievably dumb. But what we need is Love today! We don't have Love! You know that! We don't have Love! My wife -- two hours with a bicycle pump to get the hair up like this.

Announcer: He's topical!

Buddy Young, Jr.: Phone company drives me nuts. You got trouble with the phone company? Tell me about it! The same thing with the life insurance. They don't know! They got this mental thing--

Announcer V/O: He's a feminist!

Buddy Young, Jr.: Especially to you, lady. You got enough fat there for two bodies. [rim shot] Let me introduce a new word to your vocabulary, okay? "Yogurt." All right? How 'bout these two words, babe? "Sit ups." Okay, how 'bout this whole sentence? "No, I couldn't possibly eat more -- marble cake."

Announcer V/O: Most of all, he's Buddy Young, Jr.!

[Buddy sits on a stool as his nearby pianist accompanies him.]

Buddy Young, Jr.: [sings]
If I made you feel bad
If I made you cry
We're all created equal
By that Guy up in the sky
[speaks, points to a customer]
Except for you, sir. You are a perfect example of what happens when cousins marry. You know what I'm sayin'? Good night, ladies and gentlemen, get out of here! Leave me alone for a little while. You know what I'm talkin' about?

[Buddy rises and waves dismissively at the customers as they give him a standing ovation.]

Announcer V/O: Buddy Young, Jr. is back! Get insulted this week at the Bowman. Exit 23, New Jersey Turnpike.

Buddy Young, Jr. V/O: I hope you all get a pus wart.

[Freeze frame of Buddy as he exits the stage.]

Submitted Anonymously

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