Willie and Frankie
Frankie ... Christopher Guest
Willie ... Billy Crystal
[Hallway in an office building at night. Uniformed
security guards Willie and Frankie -- two working
class nebbishes with thick New York accents -- carry
flashlights and walk down the hall testing the knobs
on the locked office doors.]
Frankie: Hey, Willie.
Willie: Hi, Frankie.
Frankie: How's the west wing?
Willie: All secure.
Frankie: That's good.
Willie: You know somethin', Frank?
Willie: I - I - I don't like bein' a night
watchman. There - there's nobody here.
Frankie: It means we're doin' our job, Willie.
And doin' it well.
Willie: Yeah, but I - I - I - I - I liked it
better when we - when we was messengers, I mean, and
then I - I was out - I was meetin' people.
Frankie: Like that woman over at Scheidelman's
Willie: [reluctantly] I dropped her. Yeah, she
was all over me. All over me, she was. I - I - I need
room to breathe.
Frankie: I know, Willie. The stallion needs to
run. [Willie nods solemnly in agreement] And run
Willie: [rubs his shoulder in pain] Shoo,
Frankie: What's the matter?
Willie: Eh, my shoulder hurts. You know - you
know that narrow hallway in the boiler room? The one
with the, uh--?
Frankie: Exposed bolts comin' out o' the
Willie: Yeah. Well, every time I walk past it,
the bolts dig right into my shoulder. I-- It's very
Frankie: Boy. You wanna talk about some pain? I
bought one o' them linoleum knives the other day, you
Willie: With the double edge?
Frankie: So, I go home, you know, and I spread
my toes apart and I just start sawing, back and forth
and back and forth, you know?
Willie: Mm hmm.
Frankie: And I take a little thing o' Tobasco
sauce, you know?
Frankie: And just dump it on there. Talk about
a hotfoot, mister! Boy, that was rough.
Willie: Yeah, I know what you mean. You know,
the other day, I took one o' them, uh--?
Frankie: Meat thermometers?
Willie: Yeah! And I just shoved it into my ear,
you know? As far as it could go, you know? But then I
took one o' them, uh--?
Frankie: Ball-peen hammers?
Willie: Right. And just whacked it a few times
right in there, you know.
Frankie: Boy, that must smart.
Willie: I know! I HATE when THAT
Frankie: You know what I hate?
Frankie: I go into the kitchen, I open the
drawer, you know?
Willie: Uh huh?
Frankie: And I take out a, uh--
Willie: Carrot scraper?
Frankie: Right. And I stick it up my nose, you
know, and I'm rootin' it around, and, you know,
gettin' all the mucus membranes out o' there, you
know? And then I take one o' them, uh--?
Willie: Mentholated eucalyptus cough
Frankie: Right. And I stick it-- wedge it up
there, you know? I take a couple o' whiffs, boy. Heh,
ya feel like your head's gonna explode.
Willie: Boy, isn't THAT the truth? It's like
the other night. I'm in the attic and I got a bunch o'
mousetraps, ya know?
Willie: And, for bait, I used a big piece of,
Willie: Right. So, so I set the trap, right?
A-a-a-a-and I wanna see if the trap was gonna work,
right? So I got the Camembert in there.
Willie: But every time I went to taste the
cheese, the thing came down right on my tongue! ...
I'm tellin' ya -- after forty, fifty times, I - I - I
couldn't even feel the cheese, much less taste it. I
hate when THAT happens, I'll tell ya that.
Frankie: Boy, you know what I hate? I hate-- I
got a gross o' them, uh--?
Willie: Razor blades?
Willie: Fish hooks?
Frankie: Thumb tacks.
Willie: Ah! Yeah.
Frankie: So I bring 'em home, you know, and I
sprinkle 'em all out over the floor, you know?
Willie: Points up?
Willie: Uh huh.
Frankie: Then I strip down to the nude and I
just ROLL back and forth across the room, ya know?
Stickin' in all over my body. Then I jump in a hot tub
and just soak.
Willie: Mm hmm.
Frankie: Hate that.
Willie: Sounds very painful.
Frankie: Very painful.
Willie: [heavy sigh] Boy. So what're ya gonna
Frankie: Eh, I'm gonna check fifteen.
Willie: Yeah. I'm gonna check nine.
[They head back up the hall, testing doorknobs as they
go. Finally, they pause to give each other a friendly
pat on the shoulder.]
Frankie: Good night, Willie!
[Grinning, they exchange dismissive waves and exit in
opposite directions around the corners at the far end
of the hallway. Fade out.]