Ricky Goes Bowling
Ricky ... Billy Crystal
[Ricky, dressed for a night at the bowling alley, is
discovered alone on a darkened Home Base in front of a
black curtain. He holds an imaginary bowling ball,
ready to roll it down the lane. He steps forward and
lets it go. Sound effect: ball rolls down the lane.
Ricky watches it intently, trying to direct the ball
with his body English. Sound effect: pins going down.
Ricky jumps up and stares in disbelief.]
Ricky: Noooo! No! Seven-ten split! I can't
BELIEVE it! The impossible split of all time! This is
unbelievable, I can't believe it! This is a-mazing!
... [hands on hips, staring down the lane] The
seven-ten! The ball is cursed! Unbelievable, I can't
believe this - a-mazing! It's unbelievable! ...
Oooooggghhh! [rolls eyes and sighs as he holds his
hands over the alley's blower and wriggles his fingers
to dry them - shakes his head] ... This is absolutely
unbelievable, this is amazing, ya know what I'm
[calls off] Hey, Eddie! How ya doin'? Good. Me? Lousy!
I got the seven-ten here. Look at this - unbelievable!
... How good can I be, ya know? Hey, how's your
sister, by the way? [pause] Oh, no. I am sorry.
I didn't know. I didn't hear nothin', didn't see it in
the papers or nothin', I'm sorry. I didn't know. Whoa
- I'm - I'm like that, ya know? Every time I ask
somebody how they are, they're dead. Ya know what I'm
talkin' about? ... [clutches his head in
embarrassment, starts to laugh] So I'm really sorry!
[stops laughing] I'm not laughin' now, ya know, I'm
just-- ... But it always happens to me. It's
unbelievable! I mean, this is unbelie-- It's amazing.
[calls off in another direction] Hey, Frankie! Hey,
how ya doin'? Hey, where's your brother? He owes me
ten bucks! [pause, turns back to Eddie] You see? This
is-- [puts fists to his temples, shakes his head,
Frankie's brother is dead] ... This is unbelievable. I
mean, ya know, unbelievable. But everything's goin'
like that now. It's unbelievable, ya know? My old man
is really, really upset with me. [beat] Well, I quit
college again, ya know, ya know? I was goin' through
junior college, ya know, them two-year schools, ya
know? But I was there six years, I didn't learn
NOTHIN'! I'll tell ya that right now. ...
[waves dismissively] It's ridiculous, it's really
ridiculous, ya know? [wriggles fingers over blower]
And then, my love life is goin' south, ya know. I
broke up with Joanie after all this time. Yeah, I had
to get rid of her, ya know. You know, man, you know.
[beat] No, she didn't have no mustache or nothin', it
wasn't that. It was-- ... It was, like, the AGE
difference. It was the difference in our ages. You
know, I'm thirty-seven now. Yeah, you know. I've been
around. I been in Nam, I've been around, ya know? I
was there, ya know? I've been around. And I know that
they say the high school girls are more mature than
they were - but I didn't think so, ya know?
Really stupid. You know what she said to me the other
night when we were sittin' there smoochin' and stuff,
ya know? She looks up at me and she goes, "Ricky, I
believe that professional wrestling is fixed." Do you
believe THAT?! ... [shakes his head] It was
unbelievable, it was absolutely unbelievable, I
couldn't believe it, ya know? It was a-mazing! [rolls
his eyes] ...
Hey, did you vote? [beat] You did? I never vote. I
have never voted, I'm proud to say. I never vote. ...
No, I-- No, I DO care about who's, ya know, who's the
president and all that stuff. I just don't wanna have
jury duty. Ya know what I'm talkin' about? ...
[waves dismissively, runs hands through his hair]
Ooooh-gaaah! Lookin' back there, ya know. Seven-ten!
[points, to the bowling pins] Seven-ten, I'm comin'
for ya! Ooooh, man. [to Eddie] My whole life is, like,
weird now, ya know. I'm thirty-seven, I don't know
what's goin' on, ya know. Yeah, I've been unsettled,
ya know. Think I'll maybe go to California. Yeah, I'll
go out to California, ya know. It's - it's warm there,
it's really nice, ya know. Chicks'll be there, ya
know. Maybe I'll meet Hefner, ya know. ... Hang out
with the chicks. 'Cause I'm a chick guy. The chicks
are over me, ya know? They're all over me. I'm like a
pest strip, ya know what I'm talkin' about? I'm like a
pest strip. It's unbelievable, ya know?! ... Yeah, ya
know, and then, ya know, if I'm in L.A., ya know, I
think I could do what I really, really wanna do with
my life, ya know? I just didn't know, it's been
burnin', burnin' up inside o' me. I really wanna
direct a movie. ... I really think that's what my
talents are bent for, ya know. I really think that I
could just go out there and just really-- I would
really like to direct a movie.
But! You know, too much. Too much. Hey, listen. Happy
Thanksgiving, man. You gonna be with your parents on
Thanksgiving? [beat, winces, buries his face in his
hand, Eddie's parents are dead] Ohhhh, no! I-- ... I
didn't know! I'm-- ... This is one of them days, ya
know what I'm talkin' about? I got two-- Oh, boy, a
triple! I got a triple, ya know? Oh, well, I gotta get
this [picks up imaginary bowling ball, sings to the
tune of "The Impossible Dream"] impossible
Anyway, take care of yourself, all right? You know
somethin'? After all this time, my old man's right. He
says, "Life is a tough job. And the hours are a
bitch!" You know what I'm talkin' about? ...
[Ricky gets set, then throws his imaginary ball down
the lane, watching it intently, lots of body English.
Sound effect: ball rolls down the lane - pins crash.
Ricky looks stunned.]
Ricky: I GOT IT!!! [pumps fists in the air] I
[Cheers and applause as Ricky jumps up and down
happily. Dissolve to a wider view of Ricky at Home
Base surrounded by cameras, crew and