Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 10: Episode 9




84i: Eddie Murphy / Robert Plant & The Honeydrippers

Milestones

Alfred Jenkins....Christopher Guest
Bishop Desmond Tutu....Eddie Murphy
Doug Flutie....Rich Hall

[Opens with kind of heroic music theme. On a blackboard the title MILESTONES. The host is in his business suit sitting in the middle]

Alfred Jenkins: Good evening. I'm Alfred Jenkins and welcome to "Milestones", the show that recognizes greatness. Tonight we have 2 guests who have achieved greatness in their respective fields. To my left is a man who has been described as the unifying leader in the fight against South African apartheid and a champion of basic human rights throughout the world. Winner of the 1984 Nobel Prize, Bishop Desmond Tutu.

[Bespectacled Bishop Tutu, gray head of hair, black suit, a medal hangs from his neck.]

[Caption: Bishop Desmond Tutu. 1984 Nobel Prize Winner]

Alfred Jenkins: To my right, Heisman Trophy winner Doug Flutie of Boston College.

[Caption: Doug Flutie Heisman Trophy Winner]

Alfred Jenkins: Welcome, gentlemen. Bishop Tutu, first of all, I wanted to say how shocked and distressed I was that even as you were being presented this venerable symbol of peace, a bomb threat was taking place.

Bishop Desmond Tutu: Well, in my estimation, the bomb threat represents the sheer desperation of those opposed to basic human principles of freedom and justice.

[Alfred turns to Doug]

Alfred Jenkins: So, Doug. Speaking of bombs, that pass against Miami...if there was ever a doubt in anyone's mind that you deserve this trophy---[picks Heisman trophy up]have you seen this Bishop?[gives it to Tutu]

Bishop Desmond Tutu: Yes, I was admiring it. It is very nice. Very imppresive indeed, I like this.

[Alfred turns to Doug]

Alfred Jenkins: What was going through your mind when you floated that pass?

Doug Flutie: Well, basically Alfred, we call it "the Hail Mary pass" You just close your eyes[Doug closes his eyes]and say "Hail Mary, please let this ball[Bishop Tutu drops the Heisman Trophy]land in the wide receiver's hands. Please, you humble servant, Doug Flutie...Amen"[Bishop Tutu holds the Heisman Trophy and the severed arm of the footbal player on the trophy up] And that was it. Basically. A little bit of good timing and a little bit of luck.

[Alfred notices the broken trophy and tries as best he can to distract Doug from his now broken trophy]

Alfred Jenkins: Huh? Luck? So, why don't we watch the play on the monitor over here? Why don't you just turn your chair and tell us what we're going to see, ok?

[Alfred turns Doug's chair away from Tutu and facing a tv screen. Doug's famous play is playing on the tv screen]

Doug Flutie: Ah, well basically this is the "split right 3" or "keyhole" formation....[keeps explaining]

Alfred Jenkins: "Keyhole"? Right.[turns to Bishop Tutu mad as hell, keeping the conversation away fom Doug's ears] What is the matter with you?

Bishop Demaond Tutu: The thing just dropped down.

Alfred Jenkins: What did you drop it for?!

Bishop Desmond Tutu: It was a mistake! I didn't mean to drop it!

Alfred Jenkins: Don't make that mistake anymore.

Doug Flutie:....really let the thing fly. And luckily, the wide receiver....

[Alfred turns back to Bishop Tutu]

Alfred Jenkins: How are you going to fix it?

Bishop Desmond Tutu: Me don't know how to fix the thing!

Alfred Jenkins: Ok, we do this, ok?

[takes out piece of gum, puts it in his mouth, chews]

Bishop Desmond Tutu: I'm a bishop, not a welder.

Alfred Jenkins: This is how we fix it, ok?

Bishop Desmond Tutu: Tell him: "Doug Flutie, the thing broke."

Alfred Jenkins: Here.[gives Tutu the chewed piece of gum] Stick this on.

Bishop Desmond Tutu: Stick the gum on? Put it under here.

Alfred Jenkins: You stick it on and fix it.

Bishop Desmond Tutu: Put it on there.

Doug Flutie:[keeps explaining, oblivious] Here it is again. What I wanted to do was to go back and really let loose with one....

Alfred Jenkins: Right, I can seen why.

Doug Flutie:....many times before.

Alfred Jenkins: Right. What a play. And need I remind the viewers[takes Heisman from Tutu, holds it in his lap, Chris cracks up a little bit]that this cemented your hold on---[mangled Heisman Trophy with badly attached arm, Doug looks at it worried. Alfred gives Heisman back to Bishop Tutu] Doug, why don't we watch that again? You know, let's see that again in slow motion.[Alfred turns Doug chair around again towards the tv screen]You just whip around here.

Doug Flutie: I think I clearly indicated before, it was a "split-right 3",what we call a "flood tip" formation.

Alfred Jenkins: Uhu, uhu, right.[turns to Bishop Tutu]What are you doing?

Bishop Desmond Tutu: Me tried to fix the thing. It break off!

Alfred Jenkins:[panicked]Do it quickly, ok?

Bishop Desmond Tutu: Me try the best I can! It don't want to stick back on.

Alfred Jenkins: You're not doing this fast enough.

Bishop Desmond Tutu: What am I supposed to do now?

Alfred Jenkins: Fix it. That's all I'm asking you. You're not supposed to break it.

Bishop Desmond Tutu: I didn't break it on purpose!

Alfred Jenkins: What about that stuff in your hair? What is that?

Bishop Desmond Tutu: That's a "Carefree Curl". That's not gonna make it stick on. It would just make it curlier.

Alfred Jenkins: Just fix it, all right!

[Bishop Tutu takes his medal off, throws it on the table in front of him, takes the ribbon and attaches the Trophy's arm with the blus ribbon]

Doug Flutie:[keeps explaining]I'm just back and I'm gonna...I'm gonna unleash the thing....

Alfred Jenkins: Right.

Doug Flutie: That's it, basically.

Alfred Jenkins: Well, that is a spectacular piece of strategy and fully deserving of this--[Heisman Trophy wrapped with a blue ribbon holds the arm in place. Doug picks his Heisman Trophy]

Doug Flutie: What's this?

Bishop Desmond Tutu: Oh, it is an armband. A unifying symbol of our commitment to fighting racism all over the world.

Doug Flutie: Right. Well, that's nice Tutu. But I really don't think that I can take your only ribbon there.

[Doug starts taking the ribbon off, Alfred quickly takes the Heisman Trophy from Doug]

Alfred Jenkins: Tutu, did you notice this? How his name is engraved on there?

Bishop Desmond Tutu: Oh! Isn't that nice?

Alfred Jenkins: Isn't that something else?[to Doug] Speaking of something else, the pass that you threw, I mean talk about...why don't we look at it again because it is such an amazing play.

Doug Flutie: No. No! We're not gonna look at the play again. I've been on 200 talk shows now, and I've had to talk this play for 200...[Bishop Tutu leaves with the trophy]I'm sick of it, frankly. It was a lucky play, that's all. Had nothing to do with....my eyes were closed, you know? It was a fluke. That was it.

[Bishop Tutu is hunched down and a man is welding the Heisman Trophy, blowtorch buzzes, sparks]

Bishop Desmond Tutu: Put the thing there. Hold it over.

Doug Flutie: Now for the rest of my life, what's going to happen? That was my moment in the sun.

[Bishop Tutu keeps working the Trophy]

Bishop Desmond Tutu: Hurry, now!

Doug Flutie: My moment in the sun was not even my moment...

Bishop Desmond Tutu: The thing not taking now!

Doug Flutie: Who's gonna hire me? I'm 5'9". Who's gonna draft me? If I'm lucky I'll get a beer commercial out of this. An off brand or something.

[Tutu sits back down, fake smile on his face]

Doug Flutie: No...my entire life, I'll be sitting around is a trailer park somewhere, people will say: "Come on Dougie, let's see the film again! Show it again, Dougie!" Can't you see how one play has ruined my entire life?

[Alfred tries to cheer him up]

Alfred Jenkins: Well, one play that's guaranteed you this, the Heis---[the trophy is a melted, mangled ball of steel now, Alfred gives it to Doug]Heisman Trophy. Thanks for being here. Thanks for coming. Tutu, if you win anything else, come back, ok?

Doug Flutie:[shocked,confused]What is this?

Alfred Jenkins: Thanks for watching "Milestones".

Doug Flutie: What is this?

[ show's music theme plays]

Alfred Jenkins: It's the---ummm, I don't know what you call this....

Caption: Milestones

[fade]

[Cheers and applause]


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel


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