84i: Eddie Murphy / Robert Plant & The Honeydrippers
Alfred Jenkins....Christopher Guest
Bishop Desmond Tutu....Eddie Murphy
Doug Flutie....Rich Hall
[Opens with kind of heroic music theme. On a
blackboard the title MILESTONES. The host is in his
business suit sitting in the middle]
Alfred Jenkins: Good evening. I'm Alfred Jenkins and
welcome to "Milestones", the show that recognizes
greatness. Tonight we have 2 guests who have achieved
greatness in their respective fields. To my left is a
man who has been described as the unifying leader in
the fight against South African apartheid and a
champion of basic human rights throughout the world.
Winner of the 1984 Nobel Prize, Bishop Desmond Tutu.
[Bespectacled Bishop Tutu, gray head of hair, black
suit, a medal hangs from his neck.]
[Caption: Bishop Desmond Tutu. 1984 Nobel Prize Winner]
Alfred Jenkins: To my right, Heisman Trophy winner
Doug Flutie of Boston College.
[Caption: Doug Flutie Heisman Trophy Winner]
Alfred Jenkins: Welcome, gentlemen. Bishop Tutu, first
of all, I wanted to say how shocked and distressed I
was that even as you were being presented this
venerable symbol of peace, a bomb threat was taking place.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Well, in my estimation, the bomb
threat represents the sheer desperation of those
opposed to basic human principles of freedom and justice.
[Alfred turns to Doug]
Alfred Jenkins: So, Doug. Speaking of bombs, that pass
against Miami...if there was ever a doubt in anyone's
mind that you deserve this trophy---[picks Heisman
trophy up]have you seen this Bishop?[gives it to Tutu]
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Yes, I was admiring it. It is
very nice. Very imppresive indeed, I like this.
[Alfred turns to Doug]
Alfred Jenkins: What was going through your mind when
you floated that pass?
Doug Flutie: Well, basically Alfred, we call it "the
Hail Mary pass" You just close your eyes[Doug closes
his eyes]and say "Hail Mary, please let this
ball[Bishop Tutu drops the Heisman Trophy]land in the
wide receiver's hands. Please, you humble servant,
Doug Flutie...Amen"[Bishop Tutu holds the Heisman
Trophy and the severed arm of the footbal player on
the trophy up] And that was it. Basically. A little
bit of good timing and a little bit of luck.
[Alfred notices the broken trophy and tries as best he
can to distract Doug from his now broken trophy]
Alfred Jenkins: Huh? Luck? So, why don't we watch the
play on the monitor over here? Why don't you just turn
your chair and tell us what we're going to see, ok?
[Alfred turns Doug's chair away from Tutu and facing a
tv screen. Doug's famous play is playing on the tv screen]
Doug Flutie: Ah, well basically this is the "split
right 3" or "keyhole" formation....[keeps explaining]
Alfred Jenkins: "Keyhole"? Right.[turns to Bishop Tutu
mad as hell, keeping the conversation away fom Doug's ears] What is the matter with you?
Bishop Demaond Tutu: The thing just dropped down.
Alfred Jenkins: What did you drop it for?!
Bishop Desmond Tutu: It was a mistake! I didn't mean to drop it!
Alfred Jenkins: Don't make that mistake anymore.
Doug Flutie:....really let the thing fly. And luckily,
the wide receiver....
[Alfred turns back to Bishop Tutu]
Alfred Jenkins: How are you going to fix it?
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Me don't know how to fix the thing!
Alfred Jenkins: Ok, we do this, ok?
[takes out piece of gum, puts it in his mouth, chews]
Bishop Desmond Tutu: I'm a bishop, not a welder.
Alfred Jenkins: This is how we fix it, ok?
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Tell him: "Doug Flutie, the thing broke."
Alfred Jenkins: Here.[gives Tutu the chewed piece of gum] Stick this on.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Stick the gum on? Put it under here.
Alfred Jenkins: You stick it on and fix it.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Put it on there.
Doug Flutie:[keeps explaining, oblivious] Here it is
again. What I wanted to do was to go back and really
let loose with one....
Alfred Jenkins: Right, I can seen why.
Doug Flutie:....many times before.
Alfred Jenkins: Right. What a play. And need I remind
the viewers[takes Heisman from Tutu, holds it in his
lap, Chris cracks up a little bit]that this cemented
your hold on---[mangled Heisman Trophy with badly
attached arm, Doug looks at it worried. Alfred gives
Heisman back to Bishop Tutu] Doug, why don't we watch
that again? You know, let's see that again in slow
motion.[Alfred turns Doug chair around again towards
the tv screen]You just whip around here.
Doug Flutie: I think I clearly indicated before, it
was a "split-right 3",what we call a "flood tip" formation.
Alfred Jenkins: Uhu, uhu, right.[turns to Bishop
Tutu]What are you doing?
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Me tried to fix the thing. It break off!
Alfred Jenkins:[panicked]Do it quickly, ok?
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Me try the best I can! It don't
want to stick back on.
Alfred Jenkins: You're not doing this fast enough.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: What am I supposed to do now?
Alfred Jenkins: Fix it. That's all I'm asking you.
You're not supposed to break it.
Bishop Desmond Tutu: I didn't break it on purpose!
Alfred Jenkins: What about that stuff in your hair? What is that?
Bishop Desmond Tutu: That's a "Carefree Curl". That's
not gonna make it stick on. It would just make it curlier.
Alfred Jenkins: Just fix it, all right!
[Bishop Tutu takes his medal off, throws it on the
table in front of him, takes the ribbon and attaches
the Trophy's arm with the blus ribbon]
Doug Flutie:[keeps explaining]I'm just back and I'm
gonna...I'm gonna unleash the thing....
Alfred Jenkins: Right.
Doug Flutie: That's it, basically.
Alfred Jenkins: Well, that is a spectacular piece of
strategy and fully deserving of this--[Heisman Trophy
wrapped with a blue ribbon holds the arm in place.
Doug picks his Heisman Trophy]
Doug Flutie: What's this?
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Oh, it is an armband. A unifying
symbol of our commitment to fighting racism all over the world.
Doug Flutie: Right. Well, that's nice Tutu. But I
really don't think that I can take your only ribbon there.
[Doug starts taking the ribbon off, Alfred quickly
takes the Heisman Trophy from Doug]
Alfred Jenkins: Tutu, did you notice this? How his
name is engraved on there?
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Oh! Isn't that nice?
Alfred Jenkins: Isn't that something else?[to Doug]
Speaking of something else, the pass that you threw, I
mean talk about...why don't we look at it again
because it is such an amazing play.
Doug Flutie: No. No! We're not gonna look at the play
again. I've been on 200 talk shows now, and I've had
to talk this play for 200...[Bishop Tutu leaves with
the trophy]I'm sick of it, frankly. It was a lucky
play, that's all. Had nothing to do with....my eyes
were closed, you know? It was a fluke. That was it.
[Bishop Tutu is hunched down and a man is welding the
Heisman Trophy, blowtorch buzzes, sparks]
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Put the thing there. Hold it over.
Doug Flutie: Now for the rest of my life, what's going
to happen? That was my moment in the sun.
[Bishop Tutu keeps working the Trophy]
Bishop Desmond Tutu: Hurry, now!
Doug Flutie: My moment in the sun was not even my moment...
Bishop Desmond Tutu: The thing not taking now!
Doug Flutie: Who's gonna hire me? I'm 5'9". Who's
gonna draft me? If I'm lucky I'll get a beer
commercial out of this. An off brand or something.
[Tutu sits back down, fake smile on his face]
Doug Flutie: No...my entire life, I'll be sitting
around is a trailer park somewhere, people will say:
"Come on Dougie, let's see the film again! Show it
again, Dougie!" Can't you see how one play has ruined my entire life?
[Alfred tries to cheer him up]
Alfred Jenkins: Well, one play that's guaranteed you
this, the Heis---[the trophy is a melted, mangled ball
of steel now, Alfred gives it to Doug]Heisman Trophy.
Thanks for being here. Thanks for coming. Tutu, if you
win anything else, come back, ok?
Doug Flutie:[shocked,confused]What is this?
Alfred Jenkins: Thanks for watching "Milestones".
Doug Flutie: What is this?
[ show's music theme plays]
Alfred Jenkins: It's the---ummm, I don't know what you call this....
[Cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel