Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 10: Episode 10

84j: Kathleen Turner / John Waite

The Joe Franklin Show

Joe Franklin ... Billy Crystal
Alan Arkin ... Christopher Guest
Daphne Clayton ... Kathleen Turner
Doug Henning ... Martin Short

[Music: an uptempo piano version of "Twelfth Street Rag." SUPER: "The Joe Franklin Show" over a succession of black and white photos of old movie stars: W. C. Fields, Al Jolson (in blackface), Eddie Cantor, Mae West, the Marx Brothers (in "Go West"), Spencer Tracy, Buster Keaton (in "The Navigator"), Humphrey Bogart (in "The African Queen"), Laurel and Hardy (in "You're Darn Tootin'"). Finally, we dissolve to the darkened, book-lined set of Joe Franklin's talk show. The lights come up and we dissolve to legendary talk show host, seated stiffly at his desk, wearing a plaid suit.]

Joe Franklin: Well, a, er, good - good evening, my friends. As always, I am Joe Franklin, eh, coming to you for our very good friends, our sponsors: Hoffman Beverages, Matzohs by Streit's "For the Unleavened Experience of a Lifetime ... er, Martin Paints, "Martin Paints -- It Ain't Just Paints" and, uh, joining us today, proudly, a, er, new sponsor called Bye Bye Hair. It is the only depilatory. Sitting with us, my friends, three, eh, super-duper people, uh, Mr. Doug Henning. [Henning, seated in a lotus position, is a long-haired, bucktoothed, mustachioed wimp in a skintight, multicolored shirt] ... He's a magician extraordinaire. Now you see him, now you don't, my friends. And, uh, one of our top actors, even alphabetically, Mr. Alan Arkin. [Arkin nods unenthusiastically] ... And, welcoming today, a debut of sorts, if you will, a new, rising star, Ms. Daphne Clayton. [Daphne, grinning broadly, is a sexy but nervous redheaded amateur - Joe holds up a poster advertising her show] Er, Daphne is now appearing, my friends, in a new original revue called, er, "Wake Me When I'm Nude." ... Er, so I'm excited. Alan, Alan Arkin, tell us how you, uh, feel about sitting on this panel of superstars.

Alan Arkin: [arms crossed, nods, nasal voice] Uh, feels good, Joe. Huh!

Joe Franklin: Er ... Doug, Doug Henning, er, in your magic show, would you have a place for a young, sophisticated beauty like Daphne Clayton?

Doug Henning: [spaced out, trippy, New Age voice] Well, there's always room for beauty - in the world of magic, Joe! ... For magic is the spirit of illusion. And illusion can be magical. Like this! [reaches behind Alan Arkin, pulls out a bouquet of flowers, hands it to Daphne]

Alan Arkin: [annoyed, to Doug Henning] What are you doing?

Daphne Clayton: [gasps, genuinely amazed] Ohhh, I can't believe--! That's terrific!

Doug Henning: Read the card!

Daphne Clayton: [looks at the bouquet] There isn't one.

Doug Henning: There's always a card - in the world of magic! [reaches behind Alan Arkin, pulls out a playing card, hands it to Daphne]

Alan Arkin: [annoyed, to Doug Henning] What are you doing?

Daphne Clayton: Oh! Look! [hands card to Joe]

Joe Franklin: [also genuinely amazed] Look at that. See that? Now, I didn't-- Did you see it come? Not from anywhere. That is something. I, er, I, er, didn't see a thing. Alan, er, what did you think about that?

Alan Arkin: That's unbelievable. It's amazing.

Doug Henning: AND it's magical!

Joe Franklin: [holds up poster again] Er, Daphne, er, Clayton, the, er, the show is called, uh--

Daphne Clayton: "Wake Me When I'm Nude."

Joe Franklin: Uh huh. And it is being done at the American Legion Post 118, er, which is located at--

Daphne Clayton: That's at Exit 6 -- it's right across from Mr. Donut.

Joe Franklin: Ah! The, er, "Wake Me When I'm Nude" -- this sounds like a family show.

Daphne Clayton: Oh, yes! It's a show that the whole family could enjoy, Joe.

Joe Franklin: Oh, good. Alan Arkin, er, have you ever seen, er, this show?

Alan Arkin: No. No.

Daphne Clayton: [to Alan Arkin] Oh, please come. It's free. And - and they have apple juice and doughnuts during intermission.

Alan Arkin: [mildly amused] Huh!

Doug Henning: Oh, that sounds wonderful! But when you speak of refreshments, do you have an assortment - [holds up an empty metal bowl, covers it, then uncovers it, revealing a bowl full of cheese] - of cheeses?! [hands cheese bowl to Daphne]

Daphne Clayton: Oh! Now, that's what I call magic! [hands cheese bowl to Joe]

Joe Franklin: Isn't that magic? And what would be truly magical is if this cheese was served on the Matzohs by Streit's, my friends. Wash it down with the Hoffman Beverages. On a hairless body by Bye Bye Hair in a room by Martin Paints, "Martin Paints -- It Ain't Just Paints," my friends. Alan, er, this is exciting. Any advice to this up and coming super-duper star?

Alan Arkin: Uh, no, not really, Joe, no.

Joe Franklin: But, uh, we do, uh, have a treat, my friends, Ms. Daphne Clayton is going to, uh, sing one of the tunes from the show. Daphne, er, do you want to explain, er, this song before we hear it?

Daphne Clayton: Oh, yes, yeah. It's a scene where I'm mad at my husband Larry.

Joe Franklin: Mm hmm.

Daphne Clayton: And his best friend Barry thinks that I'm mad at him, too, and so he leaves. And that is the first time I'm left alone that day.

Joe Franklin: [after an awkward pause] So, let's sit back, my friends, and, er, listen to this musical treat, from Daphne Clayton, from "Wake - Me - When - I'm - Nude" - coming - up - right - now.

[Excited, Daphne rises to sing her song. A piano plays. After an extremely long vamp, Daphne finally begins - but the voice we hear is prerecorded and Daphne emphatically and ineptly lip syncs the entire thing. Joe, reading some papers at his desk, pays little attention. Arkin, arms folded, can't believe how bad she is -- or how interested Doug Henning seems to be in her awful performance.]

Daphne Clayton: [spoken melodramatically] Larry, take this ring and get out! And stay out!
Eight a.m., fix his breakfast
Toast, juice, eggs, scrambled well
Pick up his socks, drop off the kids,
Shampoo the rug and the dog!
What about myself?
What about my life?
Don't I get a break?
Larry! Wake up!
It's nineteen eighty-threeeeeeeeeeee!

[Daphne finishes big, no one applauds, deafening silence. She sits back down.]

Joe Franklin: That, uh, is exciting. That's very exciting, Daphne. I tell you, my friends, I love new talent, we discover new talent here. Daphne, you are a future-duper star. Let me ask you this. What do you think about Ben Turpin? [holds up photo of the cross-eyed silent movie comedian] Do you, uh, have any stories? Are there any anecdotes?

Daphne Clayton: Uh, I don't know who that is.

Joe Franklin: But Alan Arkin, my friends-- Alan, you are the actor's actor. He writes, he directs, he does stage, he does films. Alan, the Super Bowl game -- any predictions?

Alan Arkin: What are you talking about?

Joe Franklin: The, eh, game, eh, Miami, San Francisco, who's gonna win?

Alan Arkin: [shrugs, shakes his head] Uh, I don't know.

Joe Franklin: Er, Doug - Henning, as we wrap up this gold medal-winning show, my friends, and it is -- you feel it, I feel it, we all feel it -- Doug, any New Year's resolutions for 1985?

Doug Henning: I resolve - that each day will be filled with magical possibilities. And these possibilities, because they are magic, will be only illusions!

Alan Arkin: [after a beat, annoyed, to Doug Henning] What are you talking about?

Joe Franklin: I'm putting this show in my time capsule, my friends. One of the all-time favorite shows. ["Twelfth Street Rag" pots up, signaling the end of the program, Joe holds up the poster one last time] Daphne Clayton, darling, please come back. The show, "Wake Me When I'm Nude."

Daphne Clayton: Oh, thank you. Thank you, Joe. And - and, please come, it's free!

Joe Franklin: Well, we'll drive down, I hope. Doug, a great star. More car commercials, uh, Broadway show, and then you are going to--?

Doug Henning: Off to Toronto, to try my hand in a little dramatic fare, in a play entitled "Mass Appeal" with the wondrously talented Jim Backus.

Joe Franklin: And, of course, er, Alan Arkin.

Alan Arkin: No.

Joe Franklin: Well, er, that is it for today, my friends, we will see you soon. And, er, for now, Joe Franklin simply saying, "Let's all wave goodbye." Bye-bye.

[Applause as Joe and Daphne wave goodbye. Alan Arkin sits lifelessly with his hands in his lap. Doug Henning magically produces a cane with a scarf at the end of it as we fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

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