84j: Kathleen Turner / John Waite
The Joe Franklin Show
Joe Franklin ... Billy Crystal
Alan Arkin ... Christopher Guest
Daphne Clayton ... Kathleen Turner
Doug Henning ... Martin Short
[Music: an uptempo piano version of "Twelfth Street
Rag." SUPER: "The Joe Franklin Show" over a succession
of black and white photos of old movie stars: W. C.
Fields, Al Jolson (in blackface), Eddie Cantor, Mae
West, the Marx Brothers (in "Go West"), Spencer Tracy,
Buster Keaton (in "The Navigator"), Humphrey Bogart
(in "The African Queen"), Laurel and Hardy (in "You're
Darn Tootin'"). Finally, we dissolve to the darkened,
book-lined set of Joe Franklin's talk show. The lights
come up and we dissolve to legendary talk show host,
seated stiffly at his desk, wearing a plaid
Joe Franklin: Well, a, er, good - good evening,
my friends. As always, I am Joe Franklin, eh, coming
to you for our very good friends, our sponsors:
Hoffman Beverages, Matzohs by Streit's "For the
Unleavened Experience of a Lifetime ... er, Martin
Paints, "Martin Paints -- It Ain't Just Paints" and,
uh, joining us today, proudly, a, er, new sponsor
called Bye Bye Hair. It is the only depilatory.
Sitting with us, my friends, three, eh, super-duper
people, uh, Mr. Doug Henning. [Henning, seated in a
lotus position, is a long-haired, bucktoothed,
mustachioed wimp in a skintight, multicolored shirt]
... He's a magician extraordinaire. Now you see him,
now you don't, my friends. And, uh, one of our top
actors, even alphabetically, Mr. Alan Arkin. [Arkin
nods unenthusiastically] ... And, welcoming today, a
debut of sorts, if you will, a new, rising star, Ms.
Daphne Clayton. [Daphne, grinning broadly, is a sexy
but nervous redheaded amateur - Joe holds up a poster
advertising her show] Er, Daphne is now appearing, my
friends, in a new original revue called, er, "Wake Me
When I'm Nude." ... Er, so I'm excited. Alan, Alan
Arkin, tell us how you, uh, feel about sitting on this
panel of superstars.
Alan Arkin: [arms crossed, nods, nasal voice]
Uh, feels good, Joe. Huh!
Joe Franklin: Er ... Doug, Doug Henning, er, in
your magic show, would you have a place for a young,
sophisticated beauty like Daphne Clayton?
Doug Henning: [spaced out, trippy, New Age
voice] Well, there's always room for beauty - in the
world of magic, Joe! ... For magic is the spirit of
illusion. And illusion can be magical. Like this!
[reaches behind Alan Arkin, pulls out a bouquet of
flowers, hands it to Daphne]
Alan Arkin: [annoyed, to Doug Henning] What are
Daphne Clayton: [gasps, genuinely amazed] Ohhh,
I can't believe--! That's terrific!
Doug Henning: Read the card!
Daphne Clayton: [looks at the bouquet] There
Doug Henning: There's always a card - in the
world of magic! [reaches behind Alan Arkin, pulls out
a playing card, hands it to Daphne]
Alan Arkin: [annoyed, to Doug Henning] What are
Daphne Clayton: Oh! Look! [hands card to
Joe Franklin: [also genuinely amazed] Look at
that. See that? Now, I didn't-- Did you see it come?
Not from anywhere. That is something. I, er, I, er,
didn't see a thing. Alan, er, what did you think about
Alan Arkin: That's unbelievable. It's
Doug Henning: AND it's magical!
Joe Franklin: [holds up poster again] Er,
Daphne, er, Clayton, the, er, the show is called,
Daphne Clayton: "Wake Me When I'm
Joe Franklin: Uh huh. And it is being done at
the American Legion Post 118, er, which is located
Daphne Clayton: That's at Exit 6 -- it's right
across from Mr. Donut.
Joe Franklin: Ah! The, er, "Wake Me When I'm
Nude" -- this sounds like a family show.
Daphne Clayton: Oh, yes! It's a show that the
whole family could enjoy, Joe.
Joe Franklin: Oh, good. Alan Arkin, er, have
you ever seen, er, this show?
Alan Arkin: No. No.
Daphne Clayton: [to Alan Arkin] Oh, please
come. It's free. And - and they have apple juice and
doughnuts during intermission.
Alan Arkin: [mildly amused] Huh!
Doug Henning: Oh, that sounds wonderful! But
when you speak of refreshments, do you have an
assortment - [holds up an empty metal bowl, covers it,
then uncovers it, revealing a bowl full of cheese] -
of cheeses?! [hands cheese bowl to Daphne]
Daphne Clayton: Oh! Now, that's what I call
magic! [hands cheese bowl to Joe]
Joe Franklin: Isn't that magic? And what would
be truly magical is if this cheese was served on the
Matzohs by Streit's, my friends. Wash it down with the
Hoffman Beverages. On a hairless body by Bye Bye Hair
in a room by Martin Paints, "Martin Paints -- It Ain't
Just Paints," my friends. Alan, er, this is exciting.
Any advice to this up and coming super-duper
Alan Arkin: Uh, no, not really, Joe,
Joe Franklin: But, uh, we do, uh, have a treat,
my friends, Ms. Daphne Clayton is going to, uh, sing
one of the tunes from the show. Daphne, er, do you
want to explain, er, this song before we hear
Daphne Clayton: Oh, yes, yeah. It's a scene
where I'm mad at my husband Larry.
Joe Franklin: Mm hmm.
Daphne Clayton: And his best friend Barry
thinks that I'm mad at him, too, and so he leaves. And
that is the first time I'm left alone that
Joe Franklin: [after an awkward pause] So,
let's sit back, my friends, and, er, listen to this
musical treat, from Daphne Clayton, from "Wake - Me -
When - I'm - Nude" - coming - up - right -
[Excited, Daphne rises to sing her song. A piano
plays. After an extremely long vamp, Daphne finally
begins - but the voice we hear is prerecorded and
Daphne emphatically and ineptly lip syncs the entire
thing. Joe, reading some papers at his desk, pays
little attention. Arkin, arms folded, can't believe
how bad she is -- or how interested Doug Henning seems
to be in her awful performance.]
Daphne Clayton: [spoken melodramatically]
Larry, take this ring and get out! And stay out!
Eight a.m., fix his breakfast
Toast, juice, eggs, scrambled well
Pick up his socks, drop off the kids,
Shampoo the rug and the dog!
What about myself?
What about my life?
Don't I get a break?
Larry! Wake up!
It's nineteen eighty-threeeeeeeeeeee!
[Daphne finishes big, no one applauds, deafening
silence. She sits back down.]
Joe Franklin: That, uh, is exciting. That's
very exciting, Daphne. I tell you, my friends, I love
new talent, we discover new talent here. Daphne, you
are a future-duper star. Let me ask you this. What do
you think about Ben Turpin? [holds up photo of the
cross-eyed silent movie comedian] Do you, uh, have any
stories? Are there any anecdotes?
Daphne Clayton: Uh, I don't know who that
Joe Franklin: But Alan Arkin, my friends--
Alan, you are the actor's actor. He writes, he
directs, he does stage, he does films. Alan, the Super
Bowl game -- any predictions?
Alan Arkin: What are you talking about?
Joe Franklin: The, eh, game, eh, Miami, San
Francisco, who's gonna win?
Alan Arkin: [shrugs, shakes his head] Uh, I
Joe Franklin: Er, Doug - Henning, as we wrap up
this gold medal-winning show, my friends, and it
is -- you feel it, I feel it, we all feel it --
Doug, any New Year's resolutions for 1985?
Doug Henning: I resolve - that each day will be
filled with magical possibilities. And these
possibilities, because they are magic, will be only
Alan Arkin: [after a beat, annoyed, to Doug
Henning] What are you talking about?
Joe Franklin: I'm putting this show in my time
capsule, my friends. One of the all-time favorite
shows. ["Twelfth Street Rag" pots up, signaling the
end of the program, Joe holds up the poster one last
time] Daphne Clayton, darling, please come back. The
show, "Wake Me When I'm Nude."
Daphne Clayton: Oh, thank you. Thank you, Joe.
And - and, please come, it's free!
Joe Franklin: Well, we'll drive down, I hope.
Doug, a great star. More car commercials, uh, Broadway
show, and then you are going to--?
Doug Henning: Off to Toronto, to try my hand in
a little dramatic fare, in a play entitled "Mass
Appeal" with the wondrously talented Jim
Joe Franklin: And, of course, er, Alan
Alan Arkin: No.
Joe Franklin: Well, er, that is it for today,
my friends, we will see you soon. And, er, for now,
Joe Franklin simply saying, "Let's all wave goodbye."
[Applause as Joe and Daphne wave goodbye. Alan Arkin
sits lifelessly with his hands in his lap. Doug
Henning magically produces a cane with a scarf at the
end of it as we fade out.]