Ricky & Phil

Ricky.....Billy Crystal
Phil.....Christopher Guest

[ open on Ricky in his apartment, pouring a bag of Oreos into a bowl ]

Ricky: This is the greatest! Super Sunday is like the greatest day of life! It's unbelievable! I love Super Sunday, it's amazing! It's so amazing, it is unbelievable!

[ Phil enters the apartment ]

Phil: Hey, Ricky, how ya doing?

Ricky: Hey, Phil! Hey, where ya been, I was worried, you know? It's almost game-time, did you get all the stuff?

Phil: Yeah, I got all this stuff! What's the big rush, huh?

Ricky: I'm excited, it is Superbowl Sunday! It's my favorite day, it is unbelievable!

Phil: [ points to all the goodies in the bag ] Look at this, look at this. I don't know what you're in a rush for, you know? Your 49er's are gonna roll over like a dead dog, his petrified feet are gonna stick up in the air.

Ricky: Oh, really? Like I am really, really afraid of a team that has Flipper on their helmet, right? [ laughs like a moron ] I'm really, really scared!

Phil: Look, can I show you what I got here?

Ricky: Sure.

Phil: This is for the game, while we're watching the game, look what I got here. Cheese balls..

Ricky: Great.

Phil: I got family-sized beef jerky..

Ricky: Great.

Phil: And, to drink, I got grape soda.

Ricky: Unbelievable!

Phil: It's unbelievable, right? And, when the Dolphins are presented the Vince Lombardi Trophy for their victory, and you're handing me your five bucks that you owe m.

Ricky: Five bucks, right, right. Like I'm running to the bank now to get your five bucks, right! [ laughs to himself ] What are you, an idiot?

Phil: What are you, a creep?

Ricky: What are you, a moron?

Phil: What are you, a jerk?

Ricky: What are you, a pinhead?

Phil: What are you, a doofus?

Ricky: Hey! Take it easy!

Phil: Alright, relax.

Ricky: It's Super Sunday, okay, Cabbagehead!

Phil: You're a brisquet-breath!

Ricky: What, Tush-For-Brains?

Phil: You're a schmegma!

Ricky: Hey! Hey, I don't like that! Come on, now what else we got to eat here?

Phil: Let me show you what else I got here for the festivities, alright? We got Bavarian Mint Ice Cream..

Ricky: Ooohhh..

Phil: ..on.. [ pulls out package ]

Ricky: Celebrity Frozen Mini-Waffles? What the hell is this?

Phil: It's frozen mini-waffles, bearing the likeness of your favorite stars. Look, they got George Segal, Nell Carter, F.B.I. Zimbalist, Jr..

Ricky: Oh, they got J.P. Morgan and Chuck Woolery!

Phil: That's pretty great, huh?

Ricky: That's unbelievable!

Phil: Okay, and for dinner, which I am going to be savoring because of the 45-0 Dolphin victory..

Ricky: [ makes phone noises ] Excuse me, must be the telephone. [ answers make-believe phone ] Hello? Yeah, hold on. It's the Bellevue Crazy House? Hello, Crazy House? You got a straitjacket for Phil Amatullo, because he thinks the Miamis are gonna win! Yeah, I know! He's unbelievable!

Phil: That's really funny. You're a dipstick, you know that?

Ricky: Right, right, right.. thank you very much, that's very funny. You are a creton.

Phil: You're a douchebag!

Ricky: Hey! Hey! Hey, come on, Super Sunday!

Phil: Okay, let's watch it.

Ricky: Okay, Vomit-Breath.

Phil: What did you say?

Ricky: I said Vomit-Breath.

Phil: You're a midget!

Ricky: Oh, well, thank you very much, Mr. Elephant Ears.

Phil: Hey, look, I suppose you think that Fred Dean is gonna come around, right, and sack my man Marino. Is that what you think? He's not gonna lay a hand on him, I don't know what you're talking about!

Ricky: Oh, really?

Phil: Yeah, really. When my Danny-boy sees him, he's gonna throw the football into his fat blubberface!

Ricky: Oh, you really, really think so?

Phil: Yeah, I really do!

Ricky: Well, let me tell you something, pal - if my boy "Mad Dog" Fred Dean don't sack your Pretty-Boy Dan Marino, who's so fat he looks like he lives in a tanning center..

Phil: Right.

Ricky: I will personally go out on the fire escape, I will remove all of my pants, and I will moon Sister Polly Rucci at Our Lady of Pompei, okay?

Phil: You will?

Ricky: I will.

Phil: You got a deal. [ they shake ]

Ricky: Okay.

Phil: You're a dimwit!

Ricky: You're a peabrain!

Phil: You know something? You smell like a rhino's nipple. Did I ever tell you that?

Ricky: Thanks very, very much. You know, that's really, really nice. I gotta ask you one question, could I ask you this, Phil?

Phil: Yeah.

Ricky: Uh, is it possible that you could get, like, more pimples on your back?

Phil: That's nice. Could you do me a favor? Could you get your feet to smell more? Would that be possible? Maybe you could kill all the pets in the building! That would be good.

Ricky: Right, that's really nice. Let me ask you this - could you, like, fail a written driver's test, like, eight more times, maybe?

Phil: Wait, let me ask you this - the idea is, what, that you're never gonna blow your nose? Is that what it is? The rest of my life, I'm looking at a Whitman's Sampler of boulders over here! That's attractive, that's great.

Ricky: [ pulls up his nose with his fingers ] Take a look at these!

Phil: I'm looking, pal, put it down!

Ricky: Let's have a truce, okay? It's Super Sunday.

Phil: Okay. Truce.

Ricky: What's for dinner?

Phil: I got two Le Dinners.

Ricky: Le Dinners? What the hell is Le Dinners?

Phil: Look - Le Dinner. Predominantly beef patties, lima beans, carrots, and potatos au grautin. Huh? And, for dessert, Pez! Did I do good, or what?

Ricky: You did unbelievable! I love this Pez! This is really, really great!

Phil: Okay, look, as a special surprise now, I rented us some classic films, alright?

Ricky: What'd you get?

Phil: First one here - Night Nurses 3-D". You still got them glasses?

Ricky: Absotutely!

Phil: Alright. Okay, we got "17 Wet & Willy". This one's Beta, you just have to shove it in there, right?

Ricky: That's it.

Phil: Oh, this is nice, look at this. [ holds up tape ] You gonna say it?

Ricky: Mmm-hmm..

Phil: No?

Ricky: Ain't going near that one, I'll tell you that right now! I thought we were getting "Clan Caravan Part II"?

Phil: We couldn't get it!

Ricky: Why not?! I don't wanna see that one! I mean, I like the music and everything..

Phil: You loved it, really!

Ricky: I don't like animals..

Phil: [ looks at watch ] Hey, lok at this, what's it say to you?

Ricky: It's time for the game!

Phil: Alright, let's get out of here! Here we go, here we go.. [ turns on Ricky's TV, but nothing happens ] What's the matter with your TV set?

Ricky: Nothing! It's a great set!

Phil: What are you talking about?

[ TV sparks and explodes ]

Ricky: That's unbelievable! What the hell did you do to it?!

Phil: This is great! Why don't you get an older set, so more tubes are gonna explode, alright?

Ricky: Like, I will, when your teeth, like, rot more! Like, inside your gums, alright?

Phil: Yeah! Maybe you should lose more hair! You could start shaving from the top of your head down, put a bow tie on the back of your neck..!

[ and on and on they argue, zoom out to fade ]

SNL Transcripts