Harry Anderson's Monologue

.....Harry Anderson



Harry Anderson: I can't believe this! This is my eighth appearance on "Saturday Night Live". In fact, I really got my start on this show, and, tonight, here right on old "SNL", I'm gonna make my new start. This is too much.

I'll explain. You all remember the old Harry Andersom. He's the guy that used to come on this show and he'd run a needle through his arm, or he'd beat on his wife, or he'd drop his pants to show his comedy underwear. Well, I'm here tonight to tell you that Harry Anderson doesn't do that stuff any more. Nope. That was Harry the Hat, Harry the Con, Harry the Geek.

Now.. I'm Harry the Judge. And life is different on Thursdays at 9:30, 8:30 Central. It's all different for me now. I got my house in Beverly Hills, I got my condo in Palm Springs, I got my sleek exotic cars, the lawyers who tried to lock me up I got 'em on retainer now, I even got my face on the covers of national magazines. It's all different. It's not like the old days. The old Harry, he'd see someone like.. like you! And he'd say something like, "Hey, nice outfit - what, they had a one-cent sale at the mortuary?" But I don't do that any more. No more: "Who picked the tie - Ray Charles?" That was the old Harry.. but he's gone.

Tonight, I want to introduce you to the new me. No more scams, no more angles, just good, clean fun. Harry Anderson, family entertainer.. [ pulls out a guinea pig in a cage ] ..and his pal, Skippy. This is Skippy, he's a guinea pig, he's my best friend. What's that, Skippy? [ puts his ear to the cage ] He's says hi, everybody, isn't he cute! And wait 'til you see what he does, guys! Come on out, Skip, come on out, they're waiting for you!

[ dumps Skippy out of the cage ]

He loves it when I do that, he's such a good sport! And he does impressions, look at this - James Cagney: [ squeezes Skippy ] "You dirty rat! You ate my brother's cheese!" I was just kidding, that was really me! He doesn't do impressions, Skippy does acrobatic tricks, right, Skip? [ props Skippy on the stool and demonstrates ] Sit! [ Skippy doesn't move ] Good boy! Good boy! He's a little nervous, we gotta start him with something simple. Roll over, Skip. Roll over. Come on, boy, how about a backflip. Oh, well, maybe live TV is a little more pressure than I thought on the poor guy.. uh, we'll start off with something he could do with his little pink eyes shut. This is his favorite. [ holds up tiny hoop ] Skip, the jump through the hoop. Come on, this is live! Okay, jump through the hoop! Can I have a drumroll, please? Come on, boy, like you did at rehearsal, come on! One big jump, Skippy! [ stops ] Ah, forget it! Skip? Skip, I don't understand, what's the problem? Oh. He says he can't work with a Caucasian drummer. Well, Skip, I'm sorry, that's no excuse boy. You know the rules. New Harry or no, you know the rules - you don't work, you don't live.

[ Harry stuffs Skippy into his mouth ]

[ mumbling ] We'll be right back..


SNL Transcripts