Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest

... Christopher Guest
Caspar Weinberger ... Rich Hall
Buddy Young, Jr. ... Billy Crystal
... Waylon Jennings
... Johnny Cash
... Christopher Reeve

[Music. SUPER: SATURDAY NIGHT NEWS against a nocturnal New York City skyline.]

Don Pardo V/O: And now Saturday Night News with anchorperson Christopher Guest.

[Cheers and applause as the SUPER disappears and we pan over to a squinting Chris Guest, in suit and tie and seated at the news desk -- his hair a wet, disheveled mess because it had to be washed after he played the oily-haired Phil in the previous sketch.]

Christopher Guest: Thank you. Thank you, Don Pardo. Our top story tonight:

An SNL News weather advisory. The temperature here in New York is a warm eighty-two degrees with the humidity a comfortable fifty-four. However, the wind is from the north at two hundred and sixty-five miles an hour ... which, of course, is creating a wind chill factor of ninety-one degrees below zero. ... So bundle up -- but take your sunglasses. ...

Even though it has undergone extensive criticism for waste, fraud and cost overruns, the Defense Department is asking for a record 285 billion dollars for 1986. With a response to this criticism, we have Defense Secretary Caspar Weinberger standing by at the Pentagon. [Chris turns to Weinberger who appears on the screen behind him] Mr. Weinberger, what do you have to say to the nation's rising tide of resentment against military spending?

Caspar Weinberger: [shakes his head sadly] Bounces right off of me, Chris. I'm not gonna back down. I want 285 billion dollars. I am intractable on that. I've said over and over and over, there's nothing more important than the defense of this nation and yet every year I have to go in front of Congress, I have to fight tooth and nail to get every penny to defend this country and I'm just not gonna do it any more. I have my dignity. I'm not gonna plead any more. I'm not gonna wheedle. I'm simply - gonna hold my breath till I get 285 billion dollars. ...

Christopher Guest: Mr. Weinberger, perhaps you could-- [Weinberger puffs out his cheeks and holds his breath] ... scuttle the MX program? [Weinberger shakes his head "no"] ... Maybe overhaul the bloated military pension. [Weinberger checks his wristwatch, shakes his head, waves dismissively at Chris' suggestion] ... What about - what about those eight hundred seventy-nine dollar claw hammers? Fine. Then just keep holding your breath, Mr. Weinberger, and we'll check back with you later. [Weinberger nods, Chris addresses the camera] Secretary of Defense Caspar Weinberger.

The Bernhard Goetz saga continues to unfold with a second victim now suing the subway sheriff for violating his civil rights. First, the family of a hospitalized victim filed a federal court suit demanding fifty million dollars in damages. This week, another victim was in court asking for five million dollars - to which Goetz reportedly replied, "Sure. I've got five million - for each of you." ...

[Photo of Ronald and Nancy Reagan kissing] Only four more days till Valentine's Day so we'd like to do our annual tribute to romance. What better place to start than the Reagan White House. [gentle romantic music creeps in under the following] The Reagans are probably the most affectionate presidential couple since Ulysses S. Grant and his lovely wife Darlene ... who reportedly recreated the burning of Atlanta in the Lincoln bedroom. ... [Photo of Ronald and Nancy Reagan cuddling indoors] Ron and Nancy love to kiss in private. [Photo of Ronald and Nancy Reagan kissing as military men look on] And in public. They have no shame. [Photo of Nancy Reagan kissing Frank Sinatra] At least, Nancy doesn't. ... They just go on - [another photo of Ron and Nancy kissing] and on - [another photo] and on - and on. [Photo of Ronald Reagan hugging former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger] Even Ron needs a break now and then. ... That's his old pal Henry Kissinger. [Photo of Ronald Reagan hugging someone in a giant bear costume] And his daughter Maureen. ... [Photo of Ronald Reagan hugging someone in a giant dog costume] And his new dog Lucky. ...

Of course, affection in high places isn't restricted to this administration. [Photo of Jimmy Carter kissing Jacqueline Kennedy] Jimmy Carter and Jacqueline Kennedy, the original odd couple. ... [Photo of bare-chested Prince Charles and unidentified woman] That's Britain's Prince Charles and -- anybody. ... [Photo of Cuban leader Fidel Castro embracing Daniel Ortega] Fidel Castro and Nicaraguan president Ortega at a romantic Club Med in the Caribbean. ... [Photo of the Rev. Jesse Jackson and a smiling Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat embracing] Here's an affectionate pair. ... Eh? Actually, Reverend Jackson is a most affectionate person. He loves to hug. [Photo of Jackson hugging a man] And embrace. [Photo of Jackson embracing someone] And kiss. [Photo of Jackson kissing an elderly white woman] And hug some more. [Photo of Jackson hugging an elderly black woman] And his affection has no religious boundaries. [Photo of Jackson with his arm around Jewish entertainer Sammy Davis, Jr.] ... Of course, Pope John Paul II is an affectionate man. [A series of photos of the Pope kissing various airport runways] ... He loves to kiss airports ... no matter where he lands. ... It's rumored that he's spread mononucleosis all over the world. ... And here he is at Orly Airport in Paris where the question arose: did he French kiss the tarmac? ... We'll never know. Happy Valentine's Day. [applause]

Returning home after two years of exile in America, South Korean opposition leader Kim Dae-Jung and his entourage were beaten, kicked, punched and shoved upon landing at Seoul's Kimpo International Airport. The South Korean government, however, denied any wrongdoing, claiming that Kim and his group had ignored repeated orders to, quote, "Wait until the aircraft comes to a complete stop before moving items from the overhead racks." ...

Let's check back now with Mr. Weinberger and see if there are any further developments. [Weinberger, cheeks still puffed out, looks at his wristwatch with massively bulging eyeballs that nearly pop out of their sockets] ... Caspar? [Weinberger shakes his head and waves dismissively at Chris] Caspar, you haven't backed down yet I see. Fine.

After being out of sight for several weeks, Soviet premier Konstantin [mangles the pronunciation and keeps trying till he gets it right] Chernenko - or Konstantin Chernenko - Chernenko - Chernenko has finally turned up at the Betty Ford Rehabilitation Center in Palm Springs. ...

This week, a Senate subcommittee heard arguments for and against the banning of beer ads from TV. Opponents of the commercials say that beer ads glamorize alcohol and contribute to its abuse. [belches] ... 'Scuse me. ... Personally, I disagree but we'll have more on that story as details come up.

Once again, from the Pentagon, holding his breath until he gets 285 billion dollars, here is Caspar Weinberger. [Weinberger's head, now an inflated balloon with a face painted on it, abruptly collapses with a squishy popping noise] ... Well, there you have it. Caspar Weinberger.

Christopher Guest: Now, with a restaurant review, our special reporter, a legend in comedy, Mr. Buddy Young, Jr.

[Applause for Buddy, a cigar-chomping, middle-aged insult comedian who wears an ugly maroon tuxedo. He encourages the applause as his cheesy nightclub theme music plays. Chris, meanwhile, is drying his hair with a towel.]

Buddy Young, Jr.: Thank you very much, Chris. By the way, I spoke to your doctor -- you died Thursday. [rolls his eyes] ... Anyway, Valentine's Day is coming. What a stupid holiday -- give candy to somebody you love to give pimples to, you don't wanna see 'em no more! [mild reaction from crowd, Buddy repeats vehemently:] See 'em no more! ... [mild reaction from crowd]

Anyway, what's more romantic than Hawaiian food? Plaster of Paris! I'll tell ya that. At least, it's French. Anyway-- [zero reaction from crowd, Buddy looks annoyed] This is a rough room. ... I go to the, uh-- [to Chris] I spoke to the mortician -- he said, "Just drop by!" [makes a face] ...

So I go to this Hawaiian joint, "Don Ho's Blue Flame." I walk in there -- I never seen so many bad shirts in one room in my life! ... The shirts are louder than the music. Which is okay. Have you heard Hawaiian music? It's not music -- sounds like a cat in heat, this stuff, I'll tell ya that right now. [Buddy briefly mimics Hawaiian music, another weak reaction] Get out of here. [to the cue card guy] Skip the card! Then ... The Hawaiian language is nuts. It's not a language. What are they belching? Wukka-wukka-mukka-lukka-wukka! Mukka-lukka-wukka! [more weak response from crowd, to the cue card guy] I told you, skip the card! Then ...

This waiter, big sweaty guy, brings over the first thing. It's called poi! Could you eat something called poi? He comes over, he says, "You haven't touched your poi." I said, "Flush it down the poilet!" I'll tell ya that right now. ... [crowd finally gets into it, rim shot, Buddy says to drummer:] Thank you! Where the hell--? What'd you do, come by bus? ... [applause]

You know, I'm like Woody Herman: I fly, they go by bus. Anyway-- [crowd doesn't get it] Then he brings me an appetizer. [off the obscure reference to jazz musician Woody Herman] That's one for the band. [continues his review] They bring an appetizer. It's called a puu-puu platter! ... What's appetizing about puu-puu? I'll tell ya that. I'm a grown man, I have trouble going across a table saying, "Excuse me, can I have some more puu-puu?" ... And the guy goes, "I'm sorry, I'm still working on my poi!" ... Then, they bring the main thing. Two fat kids with a flaming thing on parallel bars. I say, "What the hell is that -- Mary Lou Retton?" ... It's disgusting! It's a pig, they tell me. ... They tell me it's a pig! Folks [raises a hand to the crowd, slight pause] -- I'm a Jew. ... The only thing I could eat was the apple. I'll tell ya that. ... And they HEAT THAT! Who the hell heats fruit?! ... You know what I'm talkin' about? [points to his mouth] I got a thing hangin' here from a - from a pineapple that burned me. It was disgusting. ... I'll tell ya, it's nuts. [to Chris who is cracking up] Try to cheer down, Chris -- you got the job. ...

But let me tell ya this, folks. You like Italian food, huh? Huh? Then don't go to this Hawaiian place! [zero reaction, Buddy peers up at the silent balcony] What'd you do, come from New Jersey? ... What exit, babe, huh? ... [rises from desk, grabs a hand mike and heads down to the audience] I tell ya, folks, it's wild, it's nuts, this Hawaiian thing. It's taken the country-- [to a bearded man with a black cowboy hat sitting in the front row] Hello, how ya doin'? Hey, I know you. Jesse James, am I right? ... What's your name, sir?

Waylon Jennings: Waylon Jennings.

Buddy Young, Jr.: Yeah, right. [cheers and applause for the popular country singer who, with his hat and long hair, resembles a Hasidic Jew] So, uh, let me ask you this, Waylon -- when did ya go Hasid on us here with the hat and the thing? ... I tell ya, it's too wacky. [to another man in the front row] And you must be, er--?

Johnny Cash: Johnny Cash. [cheers and applause for the legendary singer who sits next to his wife June Carter Cash]

Buddy Young, Jr.: Who cares? ... You know what I'm sayin'? [fingers Johnny's multi-colored neckerchief] Good to see you workin' with new colors these days, Johnny. ... Do you believe he's got the Portuguese flag around his throat? ... Johnny, from the bottom of my heart -- it's over. You know what I'm sayin'? ... [to the crowd] No, seriously. I kid Johnny -- he's a big star. [to Johnny] Does Jack Lord know you have his hair? ... [Johnny really cracks up at this, the crowd cheers and applauds, Buddy puts a friendly hand on Johnny's shoulder] How ya doin'? It's a pleasure. I'm wild about this guy. Wild about him. What a night! [shakes hands with a big-haired man in the second row who appears to be country singer Marty Stuart] How ya doin'? What'd you do, sit on something electric when you came in? ... [shakes hands with a handsome man wearing a pullover sweater in the second row] I know you, big guy, huh? What's your name?

Christopher Reeve: Christopher Reeve.

Buddy Young, Jr.: Chris, right. [cheers and applause for the actor best remembered as Superman] Yes. And I'm Sabu. ... Right, Christopher Reeve. That's really wild. [to a woman sitting next to Reeve and wearing big earrings] Look, what d'you got, kryptonite in your earrings there? ... See? I'm topical! Berle said I'm not topical! You know, this Hawaiian thing is gettin' me nuts. [to Chris at the news desk] You know what it is, though, Chris? What we need is love today! We don't-- [points to the balcony] You got love up there?! [crowd responds positively] Hey, how ya doin'? We don't have love! We need love today! [Buddy, returning to his seat, nearly hits his groin against the news desk] Oh! Excuse me! Ho! I was almost Jewish again! ...

[Buddy sits] I tell ya, it's wild. [to the front row celebrities] You guys are good sports. [to the crowd] But, bottom line, folks, I'll tell ya this-- Bott-- Who--? [Buddy's microphone cord has gotten caught on the desk, he tries to pull it loose] What'd I do, catch a halibut? ... I tell ya, it's too wacky. ... [glares at a gum-chewing Christopher Guest who is trying to keep a straight face] Who does your hair, Chris -- a tornado? I'll tell ya that right now, it's wild. [to the crowd] Bottom line, folks, "Don Ho's Blue Flame" stinks! [drops the mike on the desk with disgust] Back to you, Chris. Get out of here.

[Buddy's theme music begins. Cheers and applause as Chris salutes the crowd.]

Christopher Guest: Good night!

[Buddy and Chris rise, stand behind the desk and converse as we fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

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