Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest
... Christopher Guest
Caspar Weinberger ... Rich Hall
Buddy Young, Jr. ... Billy Crystal
... Waylon Jennings
... Johnny Cash
... Christopher Reeve
[Music. SUPER: SATURDAY NIGHT NEWS against a nocturnal
New York City skyline.]
Don Pardo V/O: And now Saturday Night News with
anchorperson Christopher Guest.
[Cheers and applause as the SUPER disappears and we
pan over to a squinting Chris Guest, in suit and tie
and seated at the news desk -- his hair a wet,
disheveled mess because it had to be washed after he
played the oily-haired Phil in the previous
Christopher Guest: Thank you. Thank you, Don
Pardo. Our top story tonight:
An SNL News weather advisory. The temperature here in
New York is a warm eighty-two degrees with the
humidity a comfortable fifty-four. However, the wind
is from the north at two hundred and sixty-five miles
an hour ... which, of course, is creating a wind chill
factor of ninety-one degrees below zero. ... So bundle
up -- but take your sunglasses. ...
Even though it has undergone extensive criticism for
waste, fraud and cost overruns, the Defense Department
is asking for a record 285 billion dollars for 1986.
With a response to this criticism, we have Defense
Secretary Caspar Weinberger standing by at the
Pentagon. [Chris turns to Weinberger who appears on
the screen behind him] Mr. Weinberger, what do you
have to say to the nation's rising tide of resentment
against military spending?
Caspar Weinberger: [shakes his head sadly]
Bounces right off of me, Chris. I'm not gonna back
down. I want 285 billion dollars. I am intractable on
that. I've said over and over and over, there's
nothing more important than the defense of this nation
and yet every year I have to go in front of Congress,
I have to fight tooth and nail to get every penny to
defend this country and I'm just not gonna do it any
more. I have my dignity. I'm not gonna plead any more.
I'm not gonna wheedle. I'm simply - gonna hold my
breath till I get 285 billion dollars. ...
Christopher Guest: Mr. Weinberger, perhaps you
could-- [Weinberger puffs out his cheeks and holds his
breath] ... scuttle the MX program? [Weinberger shakes
his head "no"] ... Maybe overhaul the bloated military
pension. [Weinberger checks his wristwatch, shakes his
head, waves dismissively at Chris' suggestion] ...
What about - what about those eight hundred
seventy-nine dollar claw hammers? Fine. Then just keep
holding your breath, Mr. Weinberger, and we'll check
back with you later. [Weinberger nods, Chris addresses
the camera] Secretary of Defense Caspar
The Bernhard Goetz saga continues to unfold with a
second victim now suing the subway sheriff for
violating his civil rights. First, the family of a
hospitalized victim filed a federal court suit
demanding fifty million dollars in damages. This week,
another victim was in court asking for five million
dollars - to which Goetz reportedly replied, "Sure.
I've got five million - for each of you." ...
[Photo of Ronald and Nancy Reagan kissing] Only four
more days till Valentine's Day so we'd like to do our
annual tribute to romance. What better place to start
than the Reagan White House. [gentle romantic music
creeps in under the following] The Reagans are
probably the most affectionate presidential couple
since Ulysses S. Grant and his lovely wife Darlene ...
who reportedly recreated the burning of Atlanta in the
Lincoln bedroom. ... [Photo of Ronald and Nancy Reagan
cuddling indoors] Ron and Nancy love to kiss in
private. [Photo of Ronald and Nancy Reagan kissing as
military men look on] And in public. They have no
shame. [Photo of Nancy Reagan kissing Frank Sinatra]
At least, Nancy doesn't. ... They just go on -
[another photo of Ron and Nancy kissing] and on -
[another photo] and on - and on. [Photo of Ronald
Reagan hugging former Secretary of State Henry
Kissinger] Even Ron needs a break now and then. ...
That's his old pal Henry Kissinger. [Photo of Ronald
Reagan hugging someone in a giant bear costume] And
his daughter Maureen. ... [Photo of Ronald Reagan
hugging someone in a giant dog costume] And his new
dog Lucky. ...
Of course, affection in high places isn't restricted
to this administration. [Photo of Jimmy Carter kissing
Jacqueline Kennedy] Jimmy Carter and Jacqueline
Kennedy, the original odd couple. ... [Photo of
bare-chested Prince Charles and unidentified woman]
That's Britain's Prince Charles and -- anybody. ...
[Photo of Cuban leader Fidel Castro embracing Daniel
Ortega] Fidel Castro and Nicaraguan president Ortega
at a romantic Club Med in the Caribbean. ... [Photo of
the Rev. Jesse Jackson and a smiling Palestinian
leader Yasser Arafat embracing] Here's an affectionate
pair. ... Eh? Actually, Reverend Jackson is a most
affectionate person. He loves to hug. [Photo of
Jackson hugging a man] And embrace. [Photo of Jackson
embracing someone] And kiss. [Photo of Jackson kissing
an elderly white woman] And hug some more. [Photo of
Jackson hugging an elderly black woman] And his
affection has no religious boundaries. [Photo of
Jackson with his arm around Jewish entertainer Sammy
Davis, Jr.] ... Of course, Pope John Paul II is an
affectionate man. [A series of photos of the Pope
kissing various airport runways] ... He loves to kiss
airports ... no matter where he lands. ... It's
rumored that he's spread mononucleosis all over the
world. ... And here he is at Orly Airport in Paris
where the question arose: did he French kiss the
tarmac? ... We'll never know. Happy Valentine's Day.
Returning home after two years of exile in America,
South Korean opposition leader Kim Dae-Jung and his
entourage were beaten, kicked, punched and shoved upon
landing at Seoul's Kimpo International Airport. The
South Korean government, however, denied any
wrongdoing, claiming that Kim and his group had
ignored repeated orders to, quote, "Wait until the
aircraft comes to a complete stop before moving items
from the overhead racks." ...
Let's check back now with Mr. Weinberger and see if
there are any further developments. [Weinberger,
cheeks still puffed out, looks at his wristwatch with
massively bulging eyeballs that nearly pop out of
their sockets] ... Caspar? [Weinberger shakes his head
and waves dismissively at Chris] Caspar, you haven't
backed down yet I see. Fine.
After being out of sight for several weeks, Soviet
premier Konstantin [mangles the pronunciation and
keeps trying till he gets it right] Chernenko - or
Konstantin Chernenko - Chernenko - Chernenko has
finally turned up at the Betty Ford Rehabilitation
Center in Palm Springs. ...
This week, a Senate subcommittee heard arguments for
and against the banning of beer ads from TV. Opponents
of the commercials say that beer ads glamorize alcohol
and contribute to its abuse. [belches] ... 'Scuse me.
... Personally, I disagree but we'll have more on that
story as details come up.
Once again, from the Pentagon, holding his breath
until he gets 285 billion dollars, here is Caspar
Weinberger. [Weinberger's head, now an inflated
balloon with a face painted on it, abruptly collapses
with a squishy popping noise] ... Well, there you have
it. Caspar Weinberger.
Christopher Guest: Now, with a restaurant
review, our special reporter, a legend in comedy, Mr.
Buddy Young, Jr.
[Applause for Buddy, a cigar-chomping, middle-aged
insult comedian who wears an ugly maroon tuxedo. He
encourages the applause as his cheesy nightclub theme
music plays. Chris, meanwhile, is drying his hair with
Buddy Young, Jr.: Thank you very much, Chris.
By the way, I spoke to your doctor -- you died
Thursday. [rolls his eyes] ... Anyway, Valentine's Day
is coming. What a stupid holiday -- give candy to
somebody you love to give pimples to, you don't wanna
see 'em no more! [mild reaction from crowd, Buddy
repeats vehemently:] See 'em no more! ... [mild
reaction from crowd]
Anyway, what's more romantic than Hawaiian food?
Plaster of Paris! I'll tell ya that. At least, it's
French. Anyway-- [zero reaction from crowd, Buddy
looks annoyed] This is a rough room. ... I go to the,
uh-- [to Chris] I spoke to the mortician -- he said,
"Just drop by!" [makes a face] ...
So I go to this Hawaiian joint, "Don Ho's Blue Flame."
I walk in there -- I never seen so many bad shirts in
one room in my life! ... The shirts are louder than
the music. Which is okay. Have you heard Hawaiian
music? It's not music -- sounds like a cat in heat,
this stuff, I'll tell ya that right now. [Buddy
briefly mimics Hawaiian music, another weak reaction]
Get out of here. [to the cue card guy] Skip the card!
Then ... The Hawaiian language is nuts. It's not a
language. What are they belching?
[more weak response from crowd, to the cue card guy] I
told you, skip the card! Then ...
This waiter, big sweaty guy, brings over the first
thing. It's called poi! Could you eat something
called poi? He comes over, he says, "You
haven't touched your poi." I said, "Flush it down the
poilet!" I'll tell ya that right now. ...
[crowd finally gets into it, rim shot, Buddy says to
drummer:] Thank you! Where the hell--? What'd you do,
come by bus? ... [applause]
You know, I'm like Woody Herman: I fly, they go by
bus. Anyway-- [crowd doesn't get it] Then he brings me
an appetizer. [off the obscure reference to jazz
musician Woody Herman] That's one for the band.
[continues his review] They bring an appetizer. It's
called a puu-puu platter! ... What's appetizing about
puu-puu? I'll tell ya that. I'm a grown man, I have
trouble going across a table saying, "Excuse me, can I
have some more puu-puu?" ... And the guy goes, "I'm
sorry, I'm still working on my poi!" ... Then,
they bring the main thing. Two fat kids with a flaming
thing on parallel bars. I say, "What the hell is that
-- Mary Lou Retton?" ... It's disgusting! It's a pig,
they tell me. ... They tell me it's a pig! Folks
[raises a hand to the crowd, slight pause] -- I'm a
Jew. ... The only thing I could eat was the
apple. I'll tell ya that. ... And they HEAT
THAT! Who the hell heats fruit?! ... You know
what I'm talkin' about? [points to his mouth] I got a
thing hangin' here from a - from a pineapple that
burned me. It was disgusting. ... I'll tell ya, it's
nuts. [to Chris who is cracking up] Try to cheer down,
Chris -- you got the job. ...
But let me tell ya this, folks. You like Italian food,
huh? Huh? Then don't go to this Hawaiian place! [zero
reaction, Buddy peers up at the silent balcony] What'd
you do, come from New Jersey? ... What exit, babe,
huh? ... [rises from desk, grabs a hand mike and heads
down to the audience] I tell ya, folks, it's wild,
it's nuts, this Hawaiian thing. It's taken the
country-- [to a bearded man with a black cowboy hat
sitting in the front row] Hello, how ya doin'? Hey, I
know you. Jesse James, am I right? ... What's your
Waylon Jennings: Waylon Jennings.
Buddy Young, Jr.: Yeah, right. [cheers and
applause for the popular country singer who, with his
hat and long hair, resembles a Hasidic Jew] So, uh,
let me ask you this, Waylon -- when did ya go Hasid on
us here with the hat and the thing? ... I tell ya,
it's too wacky. [to another man in the front row] And
you must be, er--?
Johnny Cash: Johnny Cash. [cheers and applause
for the legendary singer who sits next to his wife
June Carter Cash]
Buddy Young, Jr.: Who cares? ... You know what
I'm sayin'? [fingers Johnny's multi-colored
neckerchief] Good to see you workin' with new colors
these days, Johnny. ... Do you believe he's got the
Portuguese flag around his throat? ... Johnny, from
the bottom of my heart -- it's over. You know
what I'm sayin'? ... [to the crowd] No, seriously. I
kid Johnny -- he's a big star. [to Johnny] Does Jack
Lord know you have his hair? ... [Johnny really cracks
up at this, the crowd cheers and applauds, Buddy puts
a friendly hand on Johnny's shoulder] How ya doin'?
It's a pleasure. I'm wild about this guy. Wild about
him. What a night! [shakes hands with a big-haired man
in the second row who appears to be country singer
Marty Stuart] How ya doin'? What'd you do, sit on
something electric when you came in? ... [shakes hands
with a handsome man wearing a pullover sweater in the
second row] I know you, big guy, huh? What's your
Christopher Reeve: Christopher Reeve.
Buddy Young, Jr.: Chris, right. [cheers and
applause for the actor best remembered as Superman]
Yes. And I'm Sabu. ... Right, Christopher Reeve.
That's really wild. [to a woman sitting next to Reeve
and wearing big earrings] Look, what d'you got,
kryptonite in your earrings there? ... See? I'm
topical! Berle said I'm not topical! You know, this
Hawaiian thing is gettin' me nuts. [to Chris at the
news desk] You know what it is, though, Chris? What we
need is love today! We don't-- [points to the balcony]
You got love up there?! [crowd responds positively]
Hey, how ya doin'? We don't have love! We need love
today! [Buddy, returning to his seat, nearly hits his
groin against the news desk] Oh! Excuse me! Ho! I was
almost Jewish again! ...
[Buddy sits] I tell ya, it's wild. [to the front row
celebrities] You guys are good sports. [to the crowd]
But, bottom line, folks, I'll tell ya this-- Bott--
Who--? [Buddy's microphone cord has gotten caught on
the desk, he tries to pull it loose] What'd I do,
catch a halibut? ... I tell ya, it's too wacky. ...
[glares at a gum-chewing Christopher Guest who is
trying to keep a straight face] Who does your hair,
Chris -- a tornado? I'll tell ya that right now, it's
wild. [to the crowd] Bottom line, folks, "Don Ho's
Blue Flame" stinks! [drops the mike on the desk
with disgust] Back to you, Chris. Get out of
[Buddy's theme music begins. Cheers and applause as
Chris salutes the crowd.]
Christopher Guest: Good night!
[Buddy and Chris rise, stand behind the desk and
converse as we fade out.]