84m: Harry Anderson / Bryan Adams
Ricky & Phil Play Trivial Pursuit
Ricky ... Billy Crystal
Phil ... Christopher Guest
[Greasy-haired Ricky, in his red, white and blue
bowling shirt, approaches the window of his Brooklyn
apartment and peers out at the falling snow.]
Ricky: Ooh, wow. Look at the snow. It's really,
really unbelievable! I can't believe it! Must
be two feet down there. Hate to be a midget on a day
like this! [laughs his dorky laugh] It is really,
really so amazing, it's unbelievable! [turns from the
window to the closed bathroom door] Hey! Hey, Phil!
What are you doin' in there? You all right?
[Ricky rolls his eyes as he hears the toilet flush.
His roommate Phil, with slicked-back hair and a loud
brown shirt, emerges a moment later.]
Ricky: Hey, what took you so long? I was gonna
send out a search party.
Phil: I was readin'!
Ricky: Oh, good. Can I go in my own bathroom
Phil: I'd let it simmer down if I was
Ricky: Great. Why don't you eat, like,
more Mexican food, all right?
Phil: Why don't you shave your back, all
Ricky: I will. I will. Eh, why don't you get,
like, older underwear, okay? With, like,
more holes in it? Matter of fact, why don't you
just wear a waistband and forget the whole thing,
Phil: You're a douchebag.
Phil: Hey, you! Hey!
Ricky: Hey, hey-ey-ey-ey, all right. [Ricky and
Phil walk to the kitchen table] What were you readin'
in there that took so long?
Phil: This survival magazine. [shows Ricky an
ad in the magazine] This thing here. Look at this.
Look at this. Look at this. Tattooing equipment,
Ricky: Uh huh?
Phil: You got your own machinery --
Ricky: Mm hm?
Phil: --designs. Enough to start your own
business. No experience necessary.
Ricky: That's us! We got no
experience! In every field! [laughs dorkily]
Okay. [Ricky and Phil sit at the cluttered kitchen
table where a game of Trivial Pursuit is in progress]
All right, whose move?
Phil: It's, uh, your move here.
Ricky: [picks up the die] I'll go, I'll go,
I'll go. [blows on die for luck, rolls it] Ooh. Three.
[moves game piece] Oh, no! History. [turns away, puts
hand to face and rolls his eyes as Phil carefully
pulls a card from the box]
Phil: [reads from card] "What famous president
is on the five dollar bill?" [Phil stares at Ricky
whose eyes are shut -- after a pause, he starts again]
"What famous pr--?"
Ricky: I heard you the first time! Give me
another one. [annoyed, Phil sighs] Come on.
Phil: [reads from card] "What animal does wool
Ricky: Ooh, I know this. [eyes closed, shaking
with effort, gives up] Uhhh, gimme another
Phil: [reads from card] "What classic--? Who
directed -- who directed what classic German
Expressionistic film called, Cabinet of Dr.
Ricky: [immediately and rapidly] The picture
was made in 1919, directed by Robert Weine, with a
screenplay by Carl Mayer and Hans Janowitz,
cinematography by Willy Hameister.
Phil: You're right.
Ricky: This game is so easy! It's
unbelievable! [laughs] I tell you this, Phil,
when I know all that stuff about cinema and stuff, it
convinces me that what I was born to do is to direct a
major motion picture.
Phil: Why don't you direct your face to a big
bottle of mouthwash in the bathroom, all right? This
is crazy here.
Ricky: Okay, I would like to go into the
bathroom but it smells like a possum exploded in
Phil: Hey, Doody-head, you do me a favor,
Phil: You know so much about the movies,
Phil: You answer me a question here. [picks up
a newspaper] These Academy Award nominations,
Ricky: Right, right.
Phil: You explain this to me. For "Best
Phil: [reads from newspaper] "Passage to
Phil: Right? [reads from newspaper] "Soldier's
Phil: [reads from newspaper] "Amadeus"?
Phil: I mean, what is this here? What happened
to these good pictures like "Avenging Angel," you
Ricky: Mm hm.
Phil: And, like, "The Terminator"? You know
what I'm talkin' about here?
Ricky: Mm hm. Mm hm.
Phil: Well, I mean, what--? Not to mention
"Silver Spoons"! With that kid, uh -- what's his name?
-- Ricky Schreiber?
Phil: He's great!
Ricky: He's unbelievable! But I got to
tell you this, Phil. You gotta understand. It's like
all politics in Hollywood out there. It's, like, who
you play, like, tennis with, you know, and who you eat
guacamole with, you know? It's like, you gotta
understand the inner workings of the Academy of Arts
Phil: You're right, know that?
Ricky: Mm hm.
Phil: Let's - let's do this.
Phil: Let's each of us take a poll, all
Phil: We'll each chip in one dollar apiece,
Ricky: Okay, okay.
Phil: And then we'll mark down who we think
should win what award, all right?
Phil: All right, here we go. Who do you think
for "Best Actor"?
Ricky: "Best Actor"?
Ricky: Let's see, let's see. I'm gonna pick
this guy, this F. Murray Abraham.
Phil: The guy from "Amadeus," right?
Ricky: Because, see, he's got a trick name.
See? It's F-period-Murray Abraham, see? You know
anybody named "F"? You ever call up anybody and go
"Hello? Is 'F' there?" No, right? So, when the Academy
guys, they gotta vote, they go "Who could be, like, a
Best Actor?" and they think, "Oooh! The F guy! He must
be really, really great 'cause he got a F for a name."
See? That's how they think.
Phil: That's pretty smart.
Ricky: Yeah. Now, who you gonna pick for "Best
[As Phil speaks, Ricky rises, goes to the kitchen
sink, pulls two fresh cans of beer from a six-pack
chilling there, and returns with them to the
Phil: Pinocchio. That guy is great. That guy is
great. You know, he's amazing. First, he was wood. And
then he's sort of real. And then he's like part of a
donkey, you know? Then he's like swimming underwater
and everything. I mean, this guy was great!
Ricky: Is it possible, Phil, that there is
somebody in this world who is stupider than you?
Pinocchio? Pinocchio's not real. He's a
Phil: [stares at Ricky in disbelief]
Phil: [after a beat] That's a good make-up job
Ricky: [sits, sets beer on table] You are so
stupid, it's unbelievable! You are so stupid,
you are unbelievable!
Phil: I'm stupid?
Phil: Let me ask you a question, all right?
Phil: Would it be possible for you to have
more blackheads on your forehead? Could you do
that for me? [Ricky nods ironically] Good.
Ricky: Could you bathe, like, less in your life
so it stinks more under your armpits? Could you do
that for me?
Ricky: You got waves of that stuff comin'
Phil: Sure, sure, if you'll do this for me.
Maybe have more dandruff, all right?
Phil: So when you're eating, more big flakes of
things will fall down onto your fish sticks. Do that
for me, all right?
Ricky: I will do that for you when you pick
your nose more in church, all right? [mimes
picking his nose] Get your hand right up inside your
skull. Get both hands up there so you
Phil: Why don't you do me a favor? Do me a
Ricky: --two elbows comin' out of your nose
like this and go, "What is that? What is that?" "It's
Phil: Hey, hey, hey!
Phil: Get more dirt under your nails,
Phil: More filth. Infect the whole borough of
Brooklyn, all right?
Ricky: That's very good.
Phil: Do me a favor.
Ricky: I will do that. Why don't you kill
more plants in the neighborhood with the
toe-jam in your feet, all right? [mimes plants keeling
over] Like, plants goin' "Whoa," like that! "Whoa,"
Phil: [raises both hands] Truce! Truce! Truce!
Ricky: Okay. [points to newspaper] "Best
Phil: Sally Field.
Phil: 'Cause she was so good in "The Singin'
Ricky: You are amazingly dumb. I tell you that
right now. It's a good thing that you're not in the
Academy 'cause the votes'd get like really, really
screwed up. You'd, like, vote for Flipper or something
like that. I'll tell you that right now. [Ricky and
Phil pop the tops on their beer cans] You know, Phil?
I got me a idea. [laughs] We do this. We take a bus to
Los Angeles, right?
Ricky: We get out to there before the Academy
Awards. Take a day to get over the bus lag.
Ricky: But then, we go to the Academy Awards
themselves, right? We sneak in there and we find the
two guys who guard the ballots. They're, uh--
Phil: Price and Porterhouse!
Ricky: Right! We go up to these guys, right?
Oh, this is so good. And we give 'em a conk on the
Ricky: We knock 'em out cold. Take off their
shirts. Give 'em a pink belly!
Ricky: [laughs] And then we take our
winners and we exchange 'em for their
Phil: Place 'em! So then when Gregory Peck --
the guy from "Moby Dick," right?
Phil: He comes out. He says, like, "The best
picture o' the year is--" and he opens the
Phil: --please -- "Avenging Angel"!
Ricky: Right! [laughs] It would be
Phil: That would be great! That's a deal,
Ricky: It's a deal! [they shake hands
enthusiastically] Okay! All right!
Ricky & Phil: [happily grabbing two dispensers,
they press them together] Pez people! Mmmmm. Oooooh.
[they each dispense Pez candy into their mouths, then
return to the game]
Ricky: All right, whose turn is this
Phil: Whose turn is it? It's your turn. My--?
No. I don't know whose turn it is.
Ricky: How could you not know whose turn it is?
Would you have a less of an IQ, is that
Phil: Yeah, when your head gets smaller. Could
it get, like, a golf ball? That would be good.
Ricky: My head gets smaller?
Phil: Then I could crush it. Yeah,
Ricky: Yeah, great. Could you have more
grease stains on your elbows?
Phil: I might be able to but--
[Applause drowns out the rest. Dissolve to a wider
view of the set and the Studio 8H audience.