84m: Harry Anderson / Bryan Adams Ricky & Phil Play Trivial Pursuit Ricky ... Billy Crystal Phil ... Christopher Guest [Greasy-haired Ricky, in his red, white and blue bowling shirt, approaches the window of his Brooklyn apartment and peers out at the falling snow.] Ricky: Ooh, wow. Look at the snow. It's really, really unbelievable! I can't believe it! Must be two feet down there. Hate to be a midget on a day like this! [laughs his dorky laugh] It is really, really so amazing, it's unbelievable! [turns from the window to the closed bathroom door] Hey! Hey, Phil! What are you doin' in there? You all right? [Ricky rolls his eyes as he hears the toilet flush. His roommate Phil, with slicked-back hair and a loud brown shirt, emerges a moment later.] Ricky: Hey, what took you so long? I was gonna send out a search party. Phil: I was readin'! Ricky: Oh, good. Can I go in my own bathroom now? Phil: I'd let it simmer down if I was you. Ricky: Great. Why don't you eat, like, more Mexican food, all right? Phil: Why don't you shave your back, all right? Ricky: I will. I will. Eh, why don't you get, like, older underwear, okay? With, like, more holes in it? Matter of fact, why don't you just wear a waistband and forget the whole thing, okay? Phil: You're a douchebag. Ricky: Hey! Phil: Hey, you! Hey! Ricky: Hey, hey-ey-ey-ey, all right. [Ricky and Phil walk to the kitchen table] What were you readin' in there that took so long? Phil: This survival magazine. [shows Ricky an ad in the magazine] This thing here. Look at this. Look at this. Look at this. Tattooing equipment, here. Ricky: Uh huh? Phil: You got your own machinery -- Ricky: Mm hm? Phil: --designs. Enough to start your own business. No experience necessary. Ricky: That's us! We got no experience! In every field! [laughs dorkily] Okay. [Ricky and Phil sit at the cluttered kitchen table where a game of Trivial Pursuit is in progress] All right, whose move? Phil: It's, uh, your move here. Ricky: [picks up the die] I'll go, I'll go, I'll go. [blows on die for luck, rolls it] Ooh. Three. [moves game piece] Oh, no! History. [turns away, puts hand to face and rolls his eyes as Phil carefully pulls a card from the box] Phil: [reads from card] "What famous president is on the five dollar bill?" [Phil stares at Ricky whose eyes are shut -- after a pause, he starts again] "What famous pr--?" Ricky: I heard you the first time! Give me another one. [annoyed, Phil sighs] Come on. Phil: [reads from card] "What animal does wool come from?" Ricky: Ooh, I know this. [eyes closed, shaking with effort, gives up] Uhhh, gimme another one. Phil: [reads from card] "What classic--? Who directed -- who directed what classic German Expressionistic film called, Cabinet of Dr. Caligari?" Ricky: [immediately and rapidly] The picture was made in 1919, directed by Robert Weine, with a screenplay by Carl Mayer and Hans Janowitz, cinematography by Willy Hameister. Phil: You're right. Ricky: This game is so easy! It's unbelievable! [laughs] I tell you this, Phil, when I know all that stuff about cinema and stuff, it convinces me that what I was born to do is to direct a major motion picture. Phil: Why don't you direct your face to a big bottle of mouthwash in the bathroom, all right? This is crazy here. Ricky: Okay, I would like to go into the bathroom but it smells like a possum exploded in there! Phil: Hey, Doody-head, you do me a favor, right? Ricky: Right. Phil: You know so much about the movies, right? Ricky: Right. Phil: You answer me a question here. [picks up a newspaper] These Academy Award nominations, here? Ricky: Right, right. Phil: You explain this to me. For "Best Picture," right? Ricky: Okay. Phil: [reads from newspaper] "Passage to India"? Ricky: Right. Phil: Right? [reads from newspaper] "Soldier's Story"? Ricky: Good. Phil: [reads from newspaper] "Amadeus"? [mispronounced "uh-MADE-EE-us"] Ricky: Right. Phil: I mean, what is this here? What happened to these good pictures like "Avenging Angel," you know? Ricky: Mm hm. Phil: And, like, "The Terminator"? You know what I'm talkin' about here? Ricky: Mm hm. Mm hm. Phil: Well, I mean, what--? Not to mention "Silver Spoons"! With that kid, uh -- what's his name? -- Ricky Schreiber? Ricky: Mm. Phil: He's great! Ricky: He's unbelievable! But I got to tell you this, Phil. You gotta understand. It's like all politics in Hollywood out there. It's, like, who you play, like, tennis with, you know, and who you eat guacamole with, you know? It's like, you gotta understand the inner workings of the Academy of Arts and Leisure. Phil: You're right, know that? Ricky: Mm hm. Phil: Let's - let's do this. Ricky: What? Phil: Let's each of us take a poll, all right? Ricky: Okay. Phil: We'll each chip in one dollar apiece, right? Ricky: Okay, okay. Phil: And then we'll mark down who we think should win what award, all right? Ricky: Absolutely! Phil: All right, here we go. Who do you think for "Best Actor"? Ricky: "Best Actor"? Phil: Right. Ricky: Let's see, let's see. I'm gonna pick this guy, this F. Murray Abraham. Phil: The guy from "Amadeus," right? [mispronounced "uh-MADE-EE-us"] Ricky: Right. Phil: Why? Ricky: Because, see, he's got a trick name. See? It's F-period-Murray Abraham, see? You know anybody named "F"? You ever call up anybody and go "Hello? Is 'F' there?" No, right? So, when the Academy guys, they gotta vote, they go "Who could be, like, a Best Actor?" and they think, "Oooh! The F guy! He must be really, really great 'cause he got a F for a name." See? That's how they think. Phil: That's pretty smart. Ricky: Yeah. Now, who you gonna pick for "Best Actor," hm? [As Phil speaks, Ricky rises, goes to the kitchen sink, pulls two fresh cans of beer from a six-pack chilling there, and returns with them to the table.] Phil: Pinocchio. That guy is great. That guy is great. You know, he's amazing. First, he was wood. And then he's sort of real. And then he's like part of a donkey, you know? Then he's like swimming underwater and everything. I mean, this guy was great! Ricky: Is it possible, Phil, that there is somebody in this world who is stupider than you? Pinocchio? Pinocchio's not real. He's a cartoon. Phil: [stares at Ricky in disbelief] Cartoon? Ricky: Yeah. Phil: [after a beat] That's a good make-up job he's got. Ricky: [sits, sets beer on table] You are so stupid, it's unbelievable! You are so stupid, you are unbelievable! Phil: I'm stupid? Ricky: Right. Phil: Let me ask you a question, all right? Ricky: Okay. Phil: Would it be possible for you to have more blackheads on your forehead? Could you do that for me? [Ricky nods ironically] Good. Ricky: Could you bathe, like, less in your life so it stinks more under your armpits? Could you do that for me? Phil: Sure. Ricky: You got waves of that stuff comin' off. Phil: Sure, sure, if you'll do this for me. Maybe have more dandruff, all right? Ricky: Okay. Phil: So when you're eating, more big flakes of things will fall down onto your fish sticks. Do that for me, all right? Ricky: I will do that for you when you pick your nose more in church, all right? [mimes picking his nose] Get your hand right up inside your skull. Get both hands up there so you got-- Phil: Why don't you do me a favor? Do me a favor. Ricky: --two elbows comin' out of your nose like this and go, "What is that? What is that?" "It's elbows!" Phil: Hey, hey, hey! Ricky: What? Phil: Schnaubel! Ricky: What? Phil: Get more dirt under your nails, all right? Ricky: Okay. Phil: More filth. Infect the whole borough of Brooklyn, all right? Ricky: That's very good. Phil: Do me a favor. Ricky: I will do that. Why don't you kill more plants in the neighborhood with the toe-jam in your feet, all right? [mimes plants keeling over] Like, plants goin' "Whoa," like that! "Whoa," like that! Phil: [raises both hands] Truce! Truce! Truce! Truce! Truce! Ricky: Okay. [points to newspaper] "Best Actress"? Phil: Sally Field. Ricky: Why? Phil: 'Cause she was so good in "The Singin' Nun." Ricky: You are amazingly dumb. I tell you that right now. It's a good thing that you're not in the Academy 'cause the votes'd get like really, really screwed up. You'd, like, vote for Flipper or something like that. I'll tell you that right now. [Ricky and Phil pop the tops on their beer cans] You know, Phil? I got me a idea. [laughs] We do this. We take a bus to Los Angeles, right? Phil: Right. Ricky: We get out to there before the Academy Awards. Take a day to get over the bus lag. Phil: Right. Ricky: But then, we go to the Academy Awards themselves, right? We sneak in there and we find the two guys who guard the ballots. They're, uh-- Phil: Price and Porterhouse! Ricky: Right! We go up to these guys, right? Oh, this is so good. And we give 'em a conk on the head, right? Phil: Right. Ricky: We knock 'em out cold. Take off their shirts. Give 'em a pink belly! Phil: Right. Ricky: [laughs] And then we take our winners and we exchange 'em for their winners. Phil: Place 'em! So then when Gregory Peck -- the guy from "Moby Dick," right? Ricky: Right. Phil: He comes out. He says, like, "The best picture o' the year is--" and he opens the envelope-- Ricky: Right. Phil: --please -- "Avenging Angel"! Ricky: Right! [laughs] It would be unbelievable! Phil: That would be great! That's a deal, right? Ricky: It's a deal! [they shake hands enthusiastically] Okay! All right! Ricky & Phil: [happily grabbing two dispensers, they press them together] Pez people! Mmmmm. Oooooh. [they each dispense Pez candy into their mouths, then return to the game] Ricky: All right, whose turn is this now? Phil: Whose turn is it? It's your turn. My--? No. I don't know whose turn it is. Ricky: How could you not know whose turn it is? Would you have a less of an IQ, is that possible? Phil: Yeah, when your head gets smaller. Could it get, like, a golf ball? That would be good. Ricky: My head gets smaller? Phil: Then I could crush it. Yeah, sure. Ricky: Yeah, great. Could you have more grease stains on your elbows? Phil: I might be able to but-- [Applause drowns out the rest. Dissolve to a wider view of the set and the Studio 8H audience. Fade.] Submitted Anonymously SNL Transcripts