Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest ... Christopher Guest ... Jim Belushi ... Don Pardo Paul Harvey ... Rich Hall Buddy Young, Jr. ... Billy Crystal ... Calvert DeForest [Music. SUPER: SATURDAY NIGHT NEWS against a nocturnal New York City skyline.] Don Pardo V/O: And now Saturday Night News with anchorperson Christopher Guest. [Cheers and applause as the SUPER disappears and we pan over to Chris Guest, in suit and tie and seated at the news desk.] Christopher Guest: Thank you. Thank you, Don Pardo. Our top story tonight: Artificial heart recipient William Schroeder left Louisville's Humana Hospital today to live in a nearby apartment. A special van transporting him stalled in the driveway. But, fortunately, Schroeder's heart is equipped with jumper cables. ... Trip continued without further incident. Who is this man? [Photo of man in sunglasses and hat] And this man? [Photo of same man in seed cap] And this man? [Photo of same man in hardhat] And this man? [Photo of same man in cowboy hat] Believe it or not, they are all this man -- [Photo of same man wearing no hat] -- new Soviet leader Mikhail S. Gorbachev. ... It's been reported that he wears all those hats to cover the birthmark on his head. However, SNL News has learned that it is NOT a birthmark -- it's an aerial map of the Philippine Islands [Photo of map] ... left over from Gorbachev's Soviet espionage days. ... In New York this week, the ASPCA has accused the Ringling Brothers, Barnum and Bailey Circus of presenting a fake unicorn, charging it is actually a goat with a surgically-implanted horn. A circus spokesperson has denied the charge, saying that the animal is a sheep that suddenly sat down on a broomstick. ... [Photo of veterinarian reaching into a horse's mouth] Famed jockey Willie Shoemaker was swallowed by a race horse this morning ... at an upstate track. The veterinarian shown here trying to remove Shoemaker from the horse's throat says it happens quite often with hungry horses and small jockeys. ... Christopher Guest: And now, here with a commentary, is Saturday Night Live's critic-at-large Jim Belushi. Jim? [applause] Jim Belushi: Thank you, Chris. You know, I, uh, I love this country - uh - it's been good to my family. It's - it's been great to me. I - You know, I don't like to say anything really bad about it but-- But they did one stupid thing. They broke up AT&T. Y'know, we used to have like the BEST DAMN telephone system in the universe. But not any more. Not since - not since the trust busters broke up AT&T. Have you tried callin' Information lately? [picks up a phone] I mean, y'know, they give you the number. They say the number is [imitates computer voice] "Five-Five-Five One-TWO-Four-NINE." ... And I say "THANK YOU" TO A RECORDING! ... [pulls air horn from under desk, points it toward the phone and blasts the horn noisily] ... You know, I wanna talk to a human being! And call waiting! I HATE - I hate call waiting. Y'know, I'm in the middle of a conversation. I'm talkin' to somebody and hear this annoying little click. Click-click-CLICK! Right? And they say, "Hold on for a second," right? And I know - hey, I know what's gonna happen. The other call's gonna be A LOT MORE INTERESTING THAN ME! ... I mean, you know, how can I possibly have anything really great to say?! They come back on the line and say, [imitates wimpy phone friend] "You know, uh, can I call you right back?" ... And I say-- [pulls out air horn again and blasts the phone] ... YOU'RE NEVER GONNA CALL ME BACK! ... And then I get a BILL that you need to go to COMPUTER CAMP to EVEN READ! ... And they're charging you for things that they aren't supposed-- that are supposed to be free. Y'know, I'm - I'm tryin' to get my emotional life together and, since the break-up, they've been chipping away at it. Y'know what I mean? It used to be when you smashed a phone against the wall or threw it out the window, the phone company would give you a brand new phone in twenty-four hours. No, now they call up-- You call 'em up and they tell ya, "Go to the phone store." A phone store! [imitates man talking to woman] "Okay, honey, I'm gonna go pick up a dozen eggs, a quart of milk, and a PHONE!" ... [holds up a check] And what about this?! What is this?! A pay phone ate my quarter. They send me a check for twenty-five cents! ... What am I supposed to do with this?! Take off o' work, go to the bank ... wait in line for a half hour ... Get to the teller, she says, "How would you like this, Mr. Belushi? All in NICKELS? ... Two dimes and a nickel or twenty-five pennies?!" [blasts the check with the air horn] ... DON'T BE A WISE-ASS! ... [imitates mincing operator] "Thank you for calling AT&T." [drops the check with disgust, it slides off the desk, cheers and applause] Back to you, Chris. Christopher Guest: Thank you. [Belushi honks his horn once more, this time at Chris who cringes a little] Ooh. A new religious item came out this week. [holds up an album full of cassette tapes] "Francis the Talking Bible." ... The complete Old and New Testaments recorded by Francis. ... We can't play it but it would sound something like: [flawlessly imitates 1950s animal star Francis the Talking Mule] "In the beginning, God create--" ... Something like that. Anyway, I - I recommend this. [closes and puts album away] Yesterday morning, the USA for Africa's "We Are the World" record was broadcast simultaneously on thousands of radio stations including the nationwide Muzak system -- the second time in its history that Muzak has broadcast a human voice. ... The first time, of course, was in 1965 when Don Pardo sang the theme from "Jeopardy" ... with a chorus of game show losers. ... Don, can you give us a little bit of that? Don Pardo V/O: [mellow and deeply apologetic] Sorry, Chris. I've forgotten it. Christopher Guest: 'S'too bad. Don Pardo V/O: [building to a classic announcer frenzy] But I can give you a matched set of Samsonite luggage! ... An Amana home freezer! A round-trip--! Christopher Guest: [interrupts] It's okay! Thank you. Thank you, Don! Thank you. ... Don Pardo V/O: [mellow again] Not at all, Chris. Christopher Guest: Never mind. Now, with an editorial, here is guest commentator, Paul Harvey. [Cheers and applause for the chipper, elderly legendary radio personality who breaks up his sentences into weirdly multi-rhythmic phrases.] Paul Harvey: Hellooooo, Americans! I'm Paul Harvey! [sudden pause as if in mid-sentence] ... You know, yesterday morning, I interrupted my radio broadcast, Chris - to join with billions across the planet in singing [long pause, breaks into a grin] ... "We Are - the World" - it's true! [rapidly] Sales of the record have been phenomenally successful, the money will go to starving nations. But there's a lot of bureaucracy involved - money has to become records, records has to become money again, money has to be used to distribute grain. It's a complicated process. Wouldn't it be a lot simpler if they could just - eat - the records? ... Why not record the song right onto this nutritious pita bread? [holds up a flat round piece of pita bread with a hole in the center] ... Staple of millions throughout the world. [holds up a small pizza with a hole in it] Or how 'bout this individual "We Are the World" pizza? ... You know, the wife and I cook these up right in the studio. I think you're gonna be amazed at the recording values, Chris. They're just absolutely phenomenal. Give a listen - to this. [plays pizza on portable record player, horribly scratchy version of "We Are the World" song is heard] Christopher Guest: Sounds great, Paul. Sounds great. That's enough of that, okay? [annoyed, reaches over and takes the needle off the record, abruptly ending the song] That's enough of that. Paul Harvey: [tries to restart the song] Hold it, I was just getting to the Bruce Springfield part there! Hold it. ... Christopher Guest: [puts a hand on the record player] No, that's - that's fine. Okay? That's just - that's enough. Why don't you just say good night, all right? ... Paul Harvey: Well, you know, there's also this zesty tortilla version-- [holds up a tortilla with a hole in it] ... Christopher Guest: Just say good night - just say good night, okay? Paul Harvey: I'm Paul Harvey - goood day! [applause] Christopher Guest: In our last edition, we reported that music superstar Billy Joel had married David Brinkley. ... Well, that's a simple mistake to make. Of course, Billy was married to Peter Jennings ... who also works at ABC News. Sorry, David. ... Before we go on, SNL News, uh, would like to extend our Christian friends best wishes for a joyous Easter, to our Jewish friends a happy Passover and to our Snake Worshippers of Satan friends, have a nice day. ... Christopher Guest: Here's our resident entertainment critic, a legend in comedy, Mr. Buddy Young, Jr. [Buddy's cheesy nightclub theme plays, cheers and applause which Buddy encourages - he is a cigar-wielding, middle-aged Jewish insult comic in an ugly pink and purple tuxedo who talks into a bulky silver hand microphone] Buddy Young, Jr.: I tell ya, these movie theaters are nuts! They get me nuts! It's not like the old days, you go to the neighborhood theater. They got all these theaters in one, now -- they got a duplex, a triplex, a multiplex! And they're filthy, am I right?! I got a herpes simplex in a quadruplex once! [rim shot] Get out of here! ... I tell ya, it's nuts. And the food! Ah, the food in these theaters is nuts. Used to be you get a bag o' popcorn and a Coke -- thirty-five cents. Now, the popcorn comes in a hatbox! ... And the soda comes in ONE size -- it's called TUB O' COKE! ... I tell ya, it's too nuts, folks, it's too wild out there. And the kid who serves it! I mean, he's a punker, you know? Now you get GREEN hair in your popcorn! [rim shot] ... It's too wild, I'll tell ya. And these music videos are nuts, too, I'll tell ya that right now. That segue cost me twelve-fifty. I tell ya, they're nuts! When I was a kid, a song was a song and that was it -- am I right, ladies and gentlemen? What the hell's happening? Now a movie is a song, a song is a movie. They make no sense, these videos. A guy singin' a ballad -- somebody else is putting a midget in a blender! ... [glares at the crowd] What is this -- the Hinckley jury? ... Five, six, seven, I tell ya, it's nuts! ... It's wild. You can rent movies anyplace now on cassettes, they got 'em everyplace, they got 'em everywhere, I tell ya, it's crazy. Supermarkets, dry cleaners. My wife comes home from the gynecologist -- she says to me, "Honey, I got cystitis and Amadeus!" ... I said, "Is it serious?" She says, "Parts of it, but the music is beautiful!" [rim shot] ... I tell ya that now, it's just -- [scattered applause] -- crawlin' up my back! [rises from desk and heads for the audience] I tell ya, you know, it gets me nuts! It gets me nuts. [to Craig, a mustachioed, curly-haired man in the front row] How ya doin', babe? How are ya? Could ya stand up just for a second? I love to mingle. [inspects a tattoo on Craig's arm] Hey, what is this? Look at this. This rub off? You get this from Cheerios or something? ... This guy's a biker, he's gonna stomp my head to get my face started. I tell ya, it's the -- [Craig playfully reaches for Buddy's face] Hey. Don't get cute, all right? ... What is this -- the Santana Look-alike Club meeting? ... What's your name, babe? Craig: Craig. Buddy Young, Jr.: That's right. Where ya from? Craig: Uniondale. Buddy Young, Jr.: Uniondale? Where's that? Craig: It's on Long Island. Buddy Young, Jr.: Big deal! Sit down! ... [Craig sits, Buddy moves to another front row victim] Can I talk to you for a second? You mind standin' up? [a man who appears to be either very tired or on drugs rises] You okay? Man: Yeah. Buddy Young, Jr.: You sure? Man: Yeah. Buddy Young, Jr.: It'll kick in any minute. It's called-- ... [scattered applause] No, I kid. I kid this man. Manson's stuntman ... we have here, sitting here. Let me ask you this, babe. Where you from? Man: [quietly] New Rochelle. Buddy Young, Jr.: New Rochelle? Try to speak up. It's called "English," okay? ... Nah, it's a pleasure to have you here, no kiddin'. [shakes the man's hand] Right? [the man sits, Buddy moves on to another victim, a young clean-cut guy] Oh, I know this guy. How ya doin', babe? How are ya? Jimmy Olsen! Ladies and gentlemen, Jimmy Olsen. ... [slaps the boy's cheeks playfully] Get out o' here, you're a wise guy. [to the much older gentleman sitting in the next seat] Would you mind standin' up, please, just for a second? Tell everybody-- [Loud, joyous cheers and applause for elderly, bespectacled character actor Calvert DeForest, better known as Larry "Bud" Melman, a popular regular on NBC's "Late Night with David Letterman" -- someone yells, "Larry 'Bud'!"] Buddy Young, Jr.: What's your name, babe? And don't tell me "Perry White" 'cause I'll, uh, leave a log here. What's your name? Calvert DeForest: Calvert DeForest. Buddy Young, Jr.: What is it? Calvert DeForest: Calvert DeForest. Buddy Young, Jr.: Who cares? You know what I'm saying to you? ... Calvert, people know you, they seem to know you. What's your real--? People know your different name? Calvert DeForest: Yeah. Larry "Bud" Melman. [more cheers and applause] Buddy Young, Jr.: What do you do, Larry? Calvert DeForest: [giggles uncontrollably] ... Work on the David Letterman-- Buddy Young, Jr.: Try to cheer up, will ya, please, Larry? ... [Buddy has his arm around DeForest who is inching away from him] What are you pulling away from me--? I'm clean. I took a shower. ... You know what I'm saying? Oh, it's wild. That herpes, it'll get you nuts, I'll tell ya that. [DeForest cracks up at this] ... You're a good sport, babe. You ready the play the game? Calvert DeForest: [has no clue but is open to anything] Of course! [laughs, realizing there is no game to play] ... Buddy Young, Jr.: I faked you, you faked me, we ended up here. Let me ask you this. Calvert DeForest: What? Buddy Young, Jr.: How are things goin'? What, are you workin' or what? Calvert DeForest: Uhhhh. Yeah. Buddy Young, Jr.: You had to think about it? What, you're up late, huh? Calvert DeForest: [laughing] Yeah! ... For a change. Buddy Young, Jr.: I love this man. I love - this - man. You still seeing Vicki Carr? Calvert DeForest: Yes. ... Buddy Young, Jr.: Oh, that's good. Good luck to both of you. Calvert DeForest: Thank you. Buddy Young, Jr.: You know what I'm sayin'? You're a lovely guy. This is a great man! [applause] This is a great man! Larry "Bud"! [returns to the desk and sits] No, but we need-- And he proves the point that what we need is love today. [to the crowd in the balcony] You got love up there? You got love? [cheers and applause] We got love! They got love. Back to you, Chris. Get out of here. [drops the mike] Christopher Guest: Thank you very much. That's all the news. Thank you very much. [More cheers and applause. Buddy's theme plays. Buddy and Chris converse. Buddy waves dismissively at the crowd. Fade.] Submitted Anonymously SNL Transcripts