Saturday Night News with Christopher Guest
... Christopher Guest
... Jim Belushi
... Don Pardo
Paul Harvey ... Rich Hall
Buddy Young, Jr. ... Billy Crystal
... Calvert DeForest
[Music. SUPER: SATURDAY NIGHT NEWS against a nocturnal
New York City skyline.]
Don Pardo V/O: And now Saturday Night News with
anchorperson Christopher Guest.
[Cheers and applause as the SUPER disappears and we
pan over to Chris Guest, in suit and tie and seated at
the news desk.]
Christopher Guest: Thank you. Thank you, Don
Pardo. Our top story tonight:
Artificial heart recipient William Schroeder left
Louisville's Humana Hospital today to live in a nearby
apartment. A special van transporting him stalled in
the driveway. But, fortunately, Schroeder's heart is
equipped with jumper cables. ... Trip continued
without further incident.
Who is this man? [Photo of man in sunglasses
and hat] And this man? [Photo of same man in
seed cap] And this man? [Photo of same man in
hardhat] And this man? [Photo of same man in
cowboy hat] Believe it or not, they are all
this man -- [Photo of same man wearing no hat]
-- new Soviet leader Mikhail S. Gorbachev. ... It's
been reported that he wears all those hats to cover
the birthmark on his head. However, SNL News has
learned that it is NOT a birthmark -- it's an aerial
map of the Philippine Islands [Photo of map] ... left
over from Gorbachev's Soviet espionage days.
In New York this week, the ASPCA has accused the
Ringling Brothers, Barnum and Bailey Circus of
presenting a fake unicorn, charging it is actually a
goat with a surgically-implanted horn. A circus
spokesperson has denied the charge, saying that the
animal is a sheep that suddenly sat down on a
[Photo of veterinarian reaching into a horse's mouth]
Famed jockey Willie Shoemaker was swallowed by a race
horse this morning ... at an upstate track. The
veterinarian shown here trying to remove Shoemaker
from the horse's throat says it happens quite often
with hungry horses and small jockeys. ...
Christopher Guest: And now, here with a
commentary, is Saturday Night Live's critic-at-large
Jim Belushi. Jim? [applause]
Jim Belushi: Thank you, Chris. You know, I, uh,
I love this country - uh - it's been good to my
family. It's - it's been great to me. I - You know, I
don't like to say anything really bad about it but--
But they did one stupid thing. They broke up AT&T.
Y'know, we used to have like the BEST DAMN telephone
system in the universe. But not any more. Not since -
not since the trust busters broke up AT&T. Have
you tried callin' Information lately? [picks up a
phone] I mean, y'know, they give you the number. They
say the number is [imitates computer voice]
"Five-Five-Five One-TWO-Four-NINE." ... And I say
"THANK YOU" TO A RECORDING! ... [pulls air horn from
under desk, points it toward the phone and blasts the
horn noisily] ... You know, I wanna talk to a human
And call waiting! I HATE - I hate call waiting.
Y'know, I'm in the middle of a conversation. I'm
talkin' to somebody and hear this annoying little
click. Click-click-CLICK! Right? And they say, "Hold
on for a second," right? And I know - hey, I
know what's gonna happen. The other call's
gonna be A LOT MORE INTERESTING THAN ME! ... I mean,
you know, how can I possibly have anything really
great to say?! They come back on the line and say,
[imitates wimpy phone friend] "You know, uh, can I
call you right back?" ... And I say-- [pulls out air
horn again and blasts the phone] ... YOU'RE NEVER
GONNA CALL ME BACK! ...
And then I get a BILL that you need to go to COMPUTER
CAMP to EVEN READ! ... And they're charging you for
things that they aren't supposed-- that are supposed
to be free. Y'know, I'm - I'm tryin' to get my
emotional life together and, since the break-up,
they've been chipping away at it. Y'know what I
mean? It used to be when you smashed a phone against
the wall or threw it out the window, the phone company
would give you a brand new phone in twenty-four hours.
No, now they call up-- You call 'em up and they tell
ya, "Go to the phone store." A phone
store! [imitates man talking to woman] "Okay,
honey, I'm gonna go pick up a dozen eggs, a quart of
milk, and a PHONE!" ...
[holds up a check] And what about this?! What is
this?! A pay phone ate my quarter. They send me
a check for twenty-five cents! ... What am I supposed
to do with this?! Take off o' work, go to the bank ...
wait in line for a half hour ... Get to the teller,
she says, "How would you like this, Mr. Belushi? All
in NICKELS? ... Two dimes and a nickel or twenty-five
pennies?!" [blasts the check with the air horn] ...
DON'T BE A WISE-ASS! ...
[imitates mincing operator] "Thank you for calling
AT&T." [drops the check with disgust, it slides off
the desk, cheers and applause] Back to you,
Christopher Guest: Thank you. [Belushi honks
his horn once more, this time at Chris who cringes a
A new religious item came out this week. [holds up an
album full of cassette tapes] "Francis the Talking
Bible." ... The complete Old and New Testaments
recorded by Francis. ... We can't play it but it would
sound something like: [flawlessly imitates 1950s
animal star Francis the Talking Mule] "In the
beginning, God create--" ... Something like that.
Anyway, I - I recommend this. [closes and puts album
Yesterday morning, the USA for Africa's "We Are the
World" record was broadcast simultaneously on
thousands of radio stations including the nationwide
Muzak system -- the second time in its history that
Muzak has broadcast a human voice. ... The first time,
of course, was in 1965 when Don Pardo sang the theme
from "Jeopardy" ... with a chorus of game show losers.
... Don, can you give us a little bit of that?
Don Pardo V/O: [mellow and deeply apologetic]
Sorry, Chris. I've forgotten it.
Christopher Guest: 'S'too bad.
Don Pardo V/O: [building to a classic announcer
frenzy] But I can give you a matched set of
Samsonite luggage! ... An Amana home
freezer! A round-trip--!
Christopher Guest: [interrupts] It's okay!
Thank you. Thank you, Don! Thank you. ...
Don Pardo V/O: [mellow again] Not at all,
Christopher Guest: Never mind. Now, with an
editorial, here is guest commentator, Paul
[Cheers and applause for the chipper, elderly
legendary radio personality who breaks up his
sentences into weirdly multi-rhythmic
Paul Harvey: Hellooooo, Americans! I'm Paul
Harvey! [sudden pause as if in mid-sentence] ... You
know, yesterday morning, I interrupted my radio
broadcast, Chris - to join with billions across the
planet in singing [long pause, breaks into a grin] ...
"We Are - the World" - it's true! [rapidly] Sales of
the record have been phenomenally successful, the
money will go to starving nations. But there's a lot
of bureaucracy involved - money has to become records,
records has to become money again, money has to be
used to distribute grain. It's a complicated process.
Wouldn't it be a lot simpler if they could just -
eat - the records? ... Why not record the song
right onto this nutritious pita bread? [holds up a
flat round piece of pita bread with a hole in the
center] ... Staple of millions throughout the world.
[holds up a small pizza with a hole in it] Or how
'bout this individual "We Are the World" pizza? ...
You know, the wife and I cook these up right in the
studio. I think you're gonna be amazed at the
recording values, Chris. They're just absolutely
phenomenal. Give a listen - to this. [plays pizza on
portable record player, horribly scratchy version of
"We Are the World" song is heard]
Christopher Guest: Sounds great, Paul. Sounds
great. That's enough of that, okay? [annoyed, reaches
over and takes the needle off the record, abruptly
ending the song] That's enough of that.
Paul Harvey: [tries to restart the song] Hold
it, I was just getting to the Bruce Springfield part
there! Hold it. ...
Christopher Guest: [puts a hand on the record
player] No, that's - that's fine. Okay? That's just -
that's enough. Why don't you just say good night, all
Paul Harvey: Well, you know, there's also this
zesty tortilla version-- [holds up a tortilla with a
hole in it] ...
Christopher Guest: Just say good night - just
say good night, okay?
Paul Harvey: I'm Paul Harvey - goood
Christopher Guest: In our last edition, we
reported that music superstar Billy Joel had married
David Brinkley. ... Well, that's a simple mistake to
make. Of course, Billy was married to Peter Jennings
... who also works at ABC News. Sorry, David.
Before we go on, SNL News, uh, would like to extend
our Christian friends best wishes for a joyous Easter,
to our Jewish friends a happy Passover and to our
Snake Worshippers of Satan friends, have a nice day.
Christopher Guest: Here's our resident
entertainment critic, a legend in comedy, Mr. Buddy
Young, Jr. [Buddy's cheesy nightclub theme plays,
cheers and applause which Buddy encourages - he is a
cigar-wielding, middle-aged Jewish insult comic in an
ugly pink and purple tuxedo who talks into a bulky
silver hand microphone]
Buddy Young, Jr.: I tell ya, these movie
theaters are nuts! They get me nuts! It's not like the
old days, you go to the neighborhood theater. They got
all these theaters in one, now -- they got a duplex, a
triplex, a multiplex! And they're filthy, am I right?!
I got a herpes simplex in a quadruplex once! [rim
shot] Get out of here! ...
I tell ya, it's nuts. And the food! Ah, the food in
these theaters is nuts. Used to be you get a bag o'
popcorn and a Coke -- thirty-five cents. Now, the
popcorn comes in a hatbox! ... And the soda
comes in ONE size -- it's called TUB O' COKE!
... I tell ya, it's too nuts, folks, it's too wild out
there. And the kid who serves it! I mean, he's a
punker, you know? Now you get GREEN hair in your
popcorn! [rim shot] ...
It's too wild, I'll tell ya. And these music videos
are nuts, too, I'll tell ya that right now. That segue
cost me twelve-fifty. I tell ya, they're nuts! When I
was a kid, a song was a song and that was it -- am I
right, ladies and gentlemen? What the hell's
happening? Now a movie is a song, a song is a movie.
They make no sense, these videos. A guy singin' a
ballad -- somebody else is putting a midget in a
blender! ... [glares at the crowd] What is this --
the Hinckley jury? ... Five, six, seven, I tell ya,
it's nuts! ... It's wild. You can rent movies anyplace
now on cassettes, they got 'em everyplace, they got
'em everywhere, I tell ya, it's crazy. Supermarkets,
dry cleaners. My wife comes home from the gynecologist
-- she says to me, "Honey, I got cystitis and
Amadeus!" ... I said, "Is it serious?" She
says, "Parts of it, but the music is
beautiful!" [rim shot] ... I tell ya that now,
it's just -- [scattered applause] -- crawlin' up my
[rises from desk and heads for the audience] I tell
ya, you know, it gets me nuts! It gets me nuts. [to
Craig, a mustachioed, curly-haired man in the front
row] How ya doin', babe? How are ya? Could ya stand up
just for a second? I love to mingle. [inspects a
tattoo on Craig's arm] Hey, what is this? Look at
this. This rub off? You get this from Cheerios or
something? ... This guy's a biker, he's gonna stomp my
head to get my face started. I tell ya, it's the --
[Craig playfully reaches for Buddy's face] Hey. Don't
get cute, all right? ... What is this -- the Santana
Look-alike Club meeting? ... What's your name,
Buddy Young, Jr.: That's right. Where ya
Buddy Young, Jr.: Uniondale? Where's
Craig: It's on Long Island.
Buddy Young, Jr.: Big deal! Sit down! ...
[Craig sits, Buddy moves to another front row victim]
Can I talk to you for a second? You mind standin' up?
[a man who appears to be either very tired or on drugs
rises] You okay?
Buddy Young, Jr.: You sure?
Buddy Young, Jr.: It'll kick in any minute.
It's called-- ... [scattered applause] No, I kid. I
kid this man. Manson's stuntman ... we have here,
sitting here. Let me ask you this, babe. Where you
Man: [quietly] New Rochelle.
Buddy Young, Jr.: New Rochelle? Try to speak
up. It's called "English," okay? ... Nah, it's a
pleasure to have you here, no kiddin'. [shakes the
man's hand] Right? [the man sits, Buddy moves on to
another victim, a young clean-cut guy] Oh, I know this
guy. How ya doin', babe? How are ya? Jimmy Olsen!
Ladies and gentlemen, Jimmy Olsen. ... [slaps the
boy's cheeks playfully] Get out o' here, you're a wise
guy. [to the much older gentleman sitting in the next
seat] Would you mind standin' up, please, just for a
second? Tell everybody--
[Loud, joyous cheers and applause for elderly,
bespectacled character actor Calvert DeForest, better
known as Larry "Bud" Melman, a popular regular on
NBC's "Late Night with David Letterman" -- someone
yells, "Larry 'Bud'!"]
Buddy Young, Jr.: What's your name, babe? And
don't tell me "Perry White" 'cause I'll, uh, leave a
log here. What's your name?
Calvert DeForest: Calvert DeForest.
Buddy Young, Jr.: What is it?
Calvert DeForest: Calvert DeForest.
Buddy Young, Jr.: Who cares? You know what I'm
saying to you? ... Calvert, people know you, they seem
to know you. What's your real--? People know your
Calvert DeForest: Yeah. Larry "Bud" Melman.
[more cheers and applause]
Buddy Young, Jr.: What do you do,
Calvert DeForest: [giggles uncontrollably] ...
Work on the David Letterman--
Buddy Young, Jr.: Try to cheer up, will ya,
please, Larry? ... [Buddy has his arm around DeForest
who is inching away from him] What are you pulling
away from me--? I'm clean. I took a shower. ... You
know what I'm saying? Oh, it's wild. That herpes,
it'll get you nuts, I'll tell ya that. [DeForest
cracks up at this] ... You're a good sport, babe. You
ready the play the game?
Calvert DeForest: [has no clue but is open to
anything] Of course! [laughs, realizing there is no
game to play] ...
Buddy Young, Jr.: I faked you, you faked me, we
ended up here. Let me ask you this.
Calvert DeForest: What?
Buddy Young, Jr.: How are things goin'? What,
are you workin' or what?
Calvert DeForest: Uhhhh. Yeah.
Buddy Young, Jr.: You had to think about it?
What, you're up late, huh?
Calvert DeForest: [laughing] Yeah! ... For a
Buddy Young, Jr.: I love this man. I love -
this - man. You still seeing Vicki Carr?
Calvert DeForest: Yes. ...
Buddy Young, Jr.: Oh, that's good. Good luck to
both of you.
Calvert DeForest: Thank you.
Buddy Young, Jr.: You know what I'm sayin'?
You're a lovely guy. This is a great man! [applause]
This is a great man! Larry "Bud"! [returns to the desk
and sits] No, but we need-- And he proves the point
that what we need is love today. [to the crowd in the
balcony] You got love up there? You got love? [cheers
and applause] We got love! They got love. Back to you,
Chris. Get out of here. [drops the mike]
Christopher Guest: Thank you very much. That's
all the news. Thank you very much.
[More cheers and applause. Buddy's theme plays. Buddy
and Chris converse. Buddy waves dismissively at the