Steven Wright Stand-Up
... Christopher Reeve
... Steven Wright
Christopher Reeve: And now, an old friend of
Saturday Night Live, Steven Wright!
[Cheers and applause for the casually-dressed, nearly
catatonic stand-up comic with the frizzy
Steven Wright: [emotionless] Thanks.
I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards.
... I got a full house and four people died.
I finally went to the eye doctor, I got contacts, but
I only need them when I read so I got flip-ups.
I have a map of the United States, it's actual size.
... It says, "One mile equals one mile." ...
I spent the day watching live animation. ... Later, I
was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli.
I was once walking through the forest alone and a tree
fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear it.
I'm planning a trip to Spain so I bought an album that
teaches you the language -- you put the album on, you
put headphones on, you learn the language while you're
sleeping. During the night, the record skipped. ... I
got up the next day, I could only stutter in Spanish.
... When I go, I'm flying. I'm flying Air Bizarre.
It's a good airline, you buy a combination one-way
round-trip ticket. ... You leave any Monday and they
bring you back the previous Friday. ... That way, you
still have the weekend. ...
Sometimes, you can't hear what I'm sayin', it's 'cause
sometimes I'm in parentheses. ...
Every once in a while I like to stick my head out my
window, look up at the sky, and smile for a satellite
I went to the hardware store and bought some used
paint. ... It was in the shape of a house. ... I also
bought some batteries, but they weren't included. ...
So I had to buy 'em again. ...
It was my birthday recently. For my birthday, I got a
humidifier and a dehumidifier. ... I put 'em in the
same room and let 'em fight it out. ... [cheers and
applause -- after a slight pause, Wright says, with
even less enthusiasm than before:] Thanks. ...
There's a pizza place near where I live that only
sells slices. You go there and see the guy throwin' up
a triangle. [mimes tossing triangular dough]
I went to a museum where they had all the heads and
arms from the statues that are in all the other
museums. ... I had trouble goin' home from there
'cause I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came
back, the entire area was gone. ... For a while, I
didn't have a car, I had a helicopter. But I had
nowhere to park it so I used to just tie a rope to it
and leave it runnin'. ...
When I was baby, I kept a diary. ... Recently, I was
rereading it. It said, "Day One: Still tired from the
move." ... "Day Two: Everybody talks to me like I'm an
I had the photograph on my license taken out-of-focus
on purpose. ... So, when the police stop me, they go--
[mimes a policeman squinting uncertainly at the
license, then handing it back to the driver] Here, you
can go. ... One time, they stopped me for speeding and
they said, "Don't you know the speed limit is
fifty-five miles an hour?" I said, "Yeah, I know. But
I wasn't gonna be out that long." ...