Steven Wright Stand-Up ... Christopher Reeve ... Steven Wright Christopher Reeve: And now, an old friend of Saturday Night Live, Steven Wright! [Cheers and applause for the casually-dressed, nearly catatonic stand-up comic with the frizzy hair.] Steven Wright: [emotionless] Thanks. ... I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. ... I got a full house and four people died. ... I finally went to the eye doctor, I got contacts, but I only need them when I read so I got flip-ups. ... I have a map of the United States, it's actual size. ... It says, "One mile equals one mile." ... I spent the day watching live animation. ... Later, I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. ... I was once walking through the forest alone and a tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear it. ... I'm planning a trip to Spain so I bought an album that teaches you the language -- you put the album on, you put headphones on, you learn the language while you're sleeping. During the night, the record skipped. ... I got up the next day, I could only stutter in Spanish. ... When I go, I'm flying. I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline, you buy a combination one-way round-trip ticket. ... You leave any Monday and they bring you back the previous Friday. ... That way, you still have the weekend. ... Sometimes, you can't hear what I'm sayin', it's 'cause sometimes I'm in parentheses. ... Every once in a while I like to stick my head out my window, look up at the sky, and smile for a satellite picture. ... I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. ... It was in the shape of a house. ... I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. ... So I had to buy 'em again. ... It was my birthday recently. For my birthday, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. ... I put 'em in the same room and let 'em fight it out. ... [cheers and applause -- after a slight pause, Wright says, with even less enthusiasm than before:] Thanks. ... There's a pizza place near where I live that only sells slices. You go there and see the guy throwin' up a triangle. [mimes tossing triangular dough] ... I went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. ... I had trouble goin' home from there 'cause I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back, the entire area was gone. ... For a while, I didn't have a car, I had a helicopter. But I had nowhere to park it so I used to just tie a rope to it and leave it runnin'. ... When I was baby, I kept a diary. ... Recently, I was rereading it. It said, "Day One: Still tired from the move." ... "Day Two: Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot." ... I had the photograph on my license taken out-of-focus on purpose. ... So, when the police stop me, they go-- [mimes a policeman squinting uncertainly at the license, then handing it back to the driver] Here, you can go. ... One time, they stopped me for speeding and they said, "Don't you know the speed limit is fifty-five miles an hour?" I said, "Yeah, I know. But I wasn't gonna be out that long." ... [Applause] Thank you. Submitted Anonymously SNL Transcripts