Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 5




85e: Tom Hanks / Sade

Steve's Fantasy

Steve.....Tom Hanks
Molly.....Joan Cusack
Kathy.....Nora Dunn
Waiter.....Terry Sweeney

FADE IN:

INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

[ STEVE & MOLLY have their arms locked, sipping from each other’s wine glass. After sipping, they smile at one another. KATHY THE WAITRESS brings two entrees in her hand. ]

Kathy: Steve, your steak au’poi.

[ Kathy places Steve’s plate before him. ]

Steve: Oh, thank you.

Kathy: And Molly, your duck ala ronge.

[ Kathy places Molly’s plate before her. ]

Molly: Oh, thank you, Kathy, so much.

Steve: Yes, yes, it looks delicious!

Kathy: Well… happy anniversary!

Steve: Aww! Thank you.

Molly: That’s very nice.

[ Kathy moves to another table. Molly caresses Steve’s left shoulder. Steve’s looking at the back of Kathy’s thighs. ]

Molly: Oh… I can tell she’s your type.

[ Steve guffaws for a beat or two. ]

Steve: Oh, honey, you knew I always was a leg man. Just something about the back of a woman’s leg, just below the knee that makes me --

[ Steve convulses in excitement. ]

Molly: I know. Well, well… you’ve always been quirky that way.

Steve: Well, well, you should just know about very quirk there is to know about me.

Molly: And how…

[ Steve cocks his head high. ]

Steve: Um, excuse me!?

[ A WAITER ENTERS. ]

Steve: Could I have a steak knife please?

[ The waiter nods. ]

Waiter: Yes, sir! Right away!

Molly: You know Steve… what’s wonderful about us is after eight years, besides being in love, we’re really best friends.

Steve: Yeah… and that is so rare. I think it’s because we know each other so well.

Molly: Exactly. I don’t think there’s anything in your inner most thoughts that could surprise or shock me because we know each other so well.

[ Steve drinking wine and holds his breath for a few moments. ]

Steve: Well… here’s something. I, I, I don’t know why I’m bringing it up. Oh, it’s silly. No, I really shouldn’t.

Molly: No, no, no. C’mon, what is it?

[ Steve & Molly both sip wine. ]

Steve: Why not!? I sometimes have this fantasy that you die.

Molly: Really?

[ Steve sips some more wine. ]

Steve: Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Molly: Gosh… that, that’s kind of quirky. How, uh, how exactly do I die?

Steve: Well… I don’t know. Sometimes I think I think it would be sadder if you suffered a long, lingering death. Then other times, you go like that!

[ Steve snaps his fingers. ]

Steve: You’re walking by a construction site and big crane falls on you or something. Everyone would come to the funeral. See me with little Jason & Jennifer and think, “Poor Steve.”

Molly: Oh, honey.

Steve: How your sister comes down from Vermont to look after the kids? But I don’t think that’s right for her. Deidre’s always had a life of her own and never liked the city anyway. The only solution though is one of those 18-19 year-old au pair girls from Sweden. Yeah… one of those girls who would jump at any opportunity to spend a year or two in America. She comes over, takes care of the kids, and my career progresses along smoothly.

[ Steve sips some wine. ]

Molly: Does she cook!?

Steve: Oh, sure! Great cook!

Molly: What does she cook?

Steve: Spetzel. It’s a special noodle, kind of dumpling thing. Oh, the kids love it! You should see them --

[ Steve bangs his utensils on the table. ]

Steve: “More spetzel! More spetzel!” Then there, of course, would be the inevitable attraction between me and Uli. We fight it for as long as we can, of course. But then, one night, Jason has the croup. And Uli’s sitting up with him and I come and set up the steam tent, and then Jason falls asleep. I don’t know… It’s just becomes silly… ignoring these feelings. We make love and it changes everything.

The kids notice it, everything becomes awkward, and it would just be better if Uli left. Through my connections at the office, I get her started on a very, lucrative modeling career… then I meet all her modeling friends. They come over to the house and they see little Jason & Jennifer. And they see you picture up on the mantle and they think, “Poor Steve.”

[ Steve gets lost in thought and then gulps a large taste of wine. Molly stares vacantly at him. ]

Molly: You know, Steve… You’ve clearly done a lot of thinking about this.

Steve: No… Oh, c’mon! You know I’m too busy to sit around and think what’d be like if you died. Well maybe on the train on the way to work in the morning and on the way home at night. And maybe, when someone puts me on hold at the office, but it’s not like I suit around going, “Okay, now I’m going to imagine what’d be like if Molly was dead.” C’mon! You know I want you to live out your natural life. C’mon, I’m surprised you’re taking it like this -- I thought we were friends.

Molly: I think I’m reacting perfectly normally.

Steve: Honey, you are so sensitive. Okay, here, tell me, something… anything. Don’t you sometimes think of another man when we’re making love?

Molly: No.

Steve: Oh, come on, Mol –- everybody does it!

Molly: I don’t.

Steve: Really!?!?

Molly: I’m perfectly happy sleeping with you.

Steve: Huh…

Molly: Why? Do you sometimes fantasize about other women when we’re in bed?

Steve: Sometimes…

Molly: Who?

Steve: I don’t know… Deidre.

Molly: My sister!?!?

Steve: Well, she looks like you!

Molly: Oh, honey!! I can’t believe this!

[ Molly gets up from the table and Steve grabs her hand to prevent her from leaving. The waiter returns wielding a steak knife in his hand. ]

Waiter: Here’s you steak knife, sir.

[ Molly runs right into the knife. Steve gets up from his seat as Molly falls to the ground. ]

Waiter: I’ve stabbed her!

[ Steve holds Molly’s body in his hands on the floor. ]

Waiter: She’s dead! I’m sorry -- it’s my first night.

[ The waiter wails. ]

Kathy: What happened?

Steve: This is terrible. I feel responsible. If only I hadn’t…

[ Steve and Kathy’s eyes lock. ]

Kathy: Poor Steve…

[ Steve turns his head away and is frozen in the moment. He jaw drops as he ponders the future. The CAMERA ZOOMS OUT to show other patrons eating; others view Molly’s body. The waiter’s still wailing as a WIDE SHOT of STUDIO 8H shows a camera crane rising higher and other camera operators still filming. ]

END


Submitted by: Cody Downs


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