Weekend Update with Dennis Miller
... Dennis Miller
Mr. X ... Don Novello
[SUPER: COMING UP NEXT - Video of an airport employee
carrying a blue suitcase -- a zealous dog hangs from
the luggage by its mouth. The dog is then seen
wrestling the suitcase on the ground.]
Don Pardo V/O: Coming up on Weekend Update: the
Reagans get a new dog! ...
[AFTER COMMERCIAL BREAK:]
[A Statue of Liberty, standing against a red-hued sky,
holds a GE light bulb in its upraised arm. SUPER:
WEEKEND UPDATE / DENNIS MILLER]
Music Intro: Theme from TV series
Don Pardo V/O: Now, "Weekend Update" with
anchorperson, Dennis Miller.
[Cheers and applause as we dissolve to an unusually
sedate Dennis sitting at the WU desk with his pencil
and sheaf of news bulletins.]
Dennis Miller: Well, thank you. Thank you, all.
You're having my baby.
Tonight's top story-- Well, Paul Castellano was let go
by the parent company earlier this week. Anonymous
sources cite creative differences as the reason for
the abrupt dismissal which took place at curb level
outside the Spark Steak House on Manhattan's East
Side. That's the Spark Steak House where beef is the
specialty of the house but, occasionally you'll hear
the word "duck" bandied about. ...
Earlier this week, Governor Mario Cuomo said there's
no such thing as the Mafia. Yeah, this is the kind of
guy you want in the White House, huh? ...
We'll have more on this Mafia story later in the
That big General Electric-RCA takeover deal has hit a
snag. GE has stopped payment on its 6.28 billion
dollar check saying they didn't know NBC was canceling
Robert Blake's "Helltown" series. ... GE says, "No
Helltown, no deal, no six billion dollars."
Here are the results of our most recent Weekend Update
poll. We asked fourteen hundred Americans all across
the country, "What's the deal?" Fifty-two percent of
'em said they didn't know what the deal was.
Forty-five percent wondered if we could rephrase the
question. And four percent thought we were talking to
the person in back of them. ...
Authorities in Connecticut say that a squirrel may
have caused the power outage that cut off electricity
to over two hundred thousand homes last night.
[Doctored photo of a tree full of electrical
appliances.] Officials say the squirrel plugged in too
many appliances at the same time ... tripping circuit
breakers throughout the state. No charges have been
filed against the squirrel because, after all, come
on, he IS a squirrel. ...
Doctors conclusively proved today that television star
Leonard Nimoy is actually a space alien named Spock.
... The report was completed after extensive physical
tests and careful scrutiny of Mr. Nimoy's poetry. ...
Paramount Pictures also announced that Mr.
Nimoy-slash-Spock would not appear in the next "Star
Trek" film. The character of Spock, however, will
appear in the film portrayed by ABC News White House
correspondent Sam Donaldson. [Side by side photos of
Leonard Nimoy as Spock and the Vulcan-like Sam
Donaldson] ... [cheers and applause, Dennis runs his
hand through his hair] Yeah, I love Sam's
The National Board of Education's "Write the Script to
Rocky IV Before You See the Movie" contest had to be
canceled this week when seventeen hundred and
fifty-two entries tied for first place ... correctly
duplicating the written screenplay right down to the
A sad note. The staff of Weekend Update has just
learned of the passing of one of our nation's greatest
presidents -- George Washington. Once again, George
Washington, dead, in 1799. ...
Continuing our coverage of the recent Mafia killing,
we here at Weekend Update have come across a person
who has links to the underworld who wishes to be an
informant. We have promised him that we would protect
his identity by covering his eyes and we will refer to
him only as "Mr. X." [turns to a mustachioed Italian
man seated beside him] Hello, Mr. X. Now, I understand
Mr. X: [thick Italian accent] That - that is
not-a my real name, Mr. X. It's just a disguise name.
Dennis Miller: Mm hm.
Mr. X: I don't even have an X in my name.
Dennis Miller: Okay. [clears throat] We
understand that and we also understand you have a
statement you wish to make.
Mr. X: That's right. I would like to make a
statement. ... [A small black rectangle is
superimposed over Mr. X's eyes but fails to conceal
his identity as, almost every time he moves his head
slightly, his eyes appear on camera. Throughout the
sketch, the camera operator struggles to keep Mr. X's
eyes covered by the rectangle. Mr. X reads:] "Last
year, upon the graduation with honors, almost, from
the Mafia Training School, I was offered a job with-a
the Tartuffe family and they offered-a me a job as a
trainee for three hundred dollars a week. But they
didn't pay me that much. They said they would but they
didn't do it. And they said I would be Mafioso trainee
but they made-a me work in-a the mail room. And other
jobs worse-a than that. And I'm a graduate of the
Mafia Training School!"
Dennis Miller: That's it? That's--? That's all
you have to say? Just that? That they didn't pay you
Mr. X: They did - They did pay me three hundred
dollars -- for one week. But then they lowered
my salary. They gave me less just because of one
little mistake. So that was it. One little
Dennis Miller: Well, what was the
Mr. X: Well, I took a-- First-a job they gave
me was as a chauffeur. And it wasn't -was not a
chauffeur for Don Tartuffe, was a chauffeur for his
wife, Mrs. Tartuffe. She had to go to this lodge
meeting. Eleanor Duse-a Lodge. She said that she would
be one hour -- one hour only, that's it. I waited for
more than an hour. I went for just a cup o' coffee.
You know what I mean? I come back. She was-a gone. All
of the women was gone. And I thought, I gotta go home
and tell Don Tartuffe, you know, that I lost his wife.
Maybe she would-a be kidnapped, I didn't know what
Dennis Miller: Well, was she kidnapped? I mean,
Mr. X: No. She was-a home. She took a cab home.
She left without me! That's what-a she did. She said I
didn't wait for her. She didn't wait for ME!
Dennis Miller: I'll bet you Don Tartuffe was
Mr. X: No, no, he was not mad at all. Was
unbelievable. He was-a very calm, you know? He just
looks at me, he says, "What time do you get to work
in-a the morning?" I said, "Oh, ten, ten-thirty,
eleven o'clock," you know, right in there. He says to
me, "Tomorrow, I want you here at eight o'clock. And,"
he says to me, "And -- wear old clothes." They made me
assistant for the gardener! And then he made me clean
out his garage and I'm a graduate of the Mafia
Training School. That's what-a they did to me.
Dennis Miller: Wait a second, X. That's it? I
thought you were gonna name names here.
Mr. X: I could name-a names. Giorgio the Face.
I name him by name. He's the right hand of Don
Tartuffe. Giorgio the Face, write that down, Giorgio
Dennis Miller: [can't find his pencil right
away] Mafia stole my pen. What - what about him? Did
you - did you see him commit any crime? Did he do
Mr. X: Well, Dennis, he push-a me. Two times,
two times he push-a. Not one time. Two times. And,
another time, he hollers at me in front of all of the
other men and everything, he hollers at me.
Dennis Miller: Now, Mr. X, I just don't think
these people are terribly interested in your personal
problems. I mean, come on, how's about this recent
murder? Do you know anything about that?
Mr. X: I seen it.
Dennis Miller: You saw it? You were a witness?
You were there?
Mr. X: No, I wasn't there. I seen it on
television. It was on all of the stations. All of
the-- And I seen it on Nightline. Ted Koppel. I name
him by name -- Ted Koppel. Was his name. Red hair. Put
Dennis Miller: Koppel with a "K," right, hm?
Come on, Mr. X, I think we all saw it on television. I
thought perhaps you had some inside information. Maybe
you know why he was killed, huh?
Mr. X: Why?
Dennis Miller: Yeah, why.
Mr. X: Sure, I know why.
Dennis Miller: Well, what's the story?
Mr. X: Somebody was mad at him. Somebody was
mad and then they shoot him. That's what it
Dennis Miller: Yeah. Well, thank you, Mr. X.
I'm sure we all feel a little more informed on the
pressing facts. Thank you for your knowledge.
Mr. X: Giorgio the Face, remember that!
Dennis Miller: [writes it down] Giorgio the
Mr. X: Giorgio the Face!
[Cheers and applause for Mr. X.]
Dennis Miller: Mr. X. Mr. X, a veritable fount
of Mafia information.
This just in: Godot finally showed up. ... He was rude
and we asked him to leave. ...
Well, that's the news. And guess what? I'm out o'
here. Have a merry Christmas. Thank you very
[Cheers, applause and John Williams' theme from the
1978 movie "Superman" as we pull back and fade