Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

... Dennis Miller
Mr. X ... Don Novello



[TEASER:]

[SUPER: COMING UP NEXT - Video of an airport employee carrying a blue suitcase -- a zealous dog hangs from the luggage by its mouth. The dog is then seen wrestling the suitcase on the ground.]

Don Pardo V/O: Coming up on Weekend Update: the Reagans get a new dog! ...

[AFTER COMMERCIAL BREAK:]

[A Statue of Liberty, standing against a red-hued sky, holds a GE light bulb in its upraised arm. SUPER: WEEKEND UPDATE / DENNIS MILLER]

Music Intro: Theme from TV series "Bonanza"

Don Pardo V/O: Now, "Weekend Update" with anchorperson, Dennis Miller.

[Cheers and applause as we dissolve to an unusually sedate Dennis sitting at the WU desk with his pencil and sheaf of news bulletins.]

Dennis Miller: Well, thank you. Thank you, all. You're having my baby.

Tonight's top story-- Well, Paul Castellano was let go by the parent company earlier this week. Anonymous sources cite creative differences as the reason for the abrupt dismissal which took place at curb level outside the Spark Steak House on Manhattan's East Side. That's the Spark Steak House where beef is the specialty of the house but, occasionally you'll hear the word "duck" bandied about. ...

Earlier this week, Governor Mario Cuomo said there's no such thing as the Mafia. Yeah, this is the kind of guy you want in the White House, huh? ...

We'll have more on this Mafia story later in the newscast.

That big General Electric-RCA takeover deal has hit a snag. GE has stopped payment on its 6.28 billion dollar check saying they didn't know NBC was canceling Robert Blake's "Helltown" series. ... GE says, "No Helltown, no deal, no six billion dollars." ...

Here are the results of our most recent Weekend Update poll. We asked fourteen hundred Americans all across the country, "What's the deal?" Fifty-two percent of 'em said they didn't know what the deal was. Forty-five percent wondered if we could rephrase the question. And four percent thought we were talking to the person in back of them. ...

Authorities in Connecticut say that a squirrel may have caused the power outage that cut off electricity to over two hundred thousand homes last night. [Doctored photo of a tree full of electrical appliances.] Officials say the squirrel plugged in too many appliances at the same time ... tripping circuit breakers throughout the state. No charges have been filed against the squirrel because, after all, come on, he IS a squirrel. ...

Doctors conclusively proved today that television star Leonard Nimoy is actually a space alien named Spock. ... The report was completed after extensive physical tests and careful scrutiny of Mr. Nimoy's poetry. ... Paramount Pictures also announced that Mr. Nimoy-slash-Spock would not appear in the next "Star Trek" film. The character of Spock, however, will appear in the film portrayed by ABC News White House correspondent Sam Donaldson. [Side by side photos of Leonard Nimoy as Spock and the Vulcan-like Sam Donaldson] ... [cheers and applause, Dennis runs his hand through his hair] Yeah, I love Sam's work.

The National Board of Education's "Write the Script to Rocky IV Before You See the Movie" contest had to be canceled this week when seventeen hundred and fifty-two entries tied for first place ... correctly duplicating the written screenplay right down to the last comma.

A sad note. The staff of Weekend Update has just learned of the passing of one of our nation's greatest presidents -- George Washington. Once again, George Washington, dead, in 1799. ...

Continuing our coverage of the recent Mafia killing, we here at Weekend Update have come across a person who has links to the underworld who wishes to be an informant. We have promised him that we would protect his identity by covering his eyes and we will refer to him only as "Mr. X." [turns to a mustachioed Italian man seated beside him] Hello, Mr. X. Now, I understand that--

Mr. X: [thick Italian accent] That - that is not-a my real name, Mr. X. It's just a disguise name.

Dennis Miller: Mm hm.

Mr. X: I don't even have an X in my name.

Dennis Miller: Okay. [clears throat] We understand that and we also understand you have a statement you wish to make.

Mr. X: That's right. I would like to make a statement. ... [A small black rectangle is superimposed over Mr. X's eyes but fails to conceal his identity as, almost every time he moves his head slightly, his eyes appear on camera. Throughout the sketch, the camera operator struggles to keep Mr. X's eyes covered by the rectangle. Mr. X reads:] "Last year, upon the graduation with honors, almost, from the Mafia Training School, I was offered a job with-a the Tartuffe family and they offered-a me a job as a trainee for three hundred dollars a week. But they didn't pay me that much. They said they would but they didn't do it. And they said I would be Mafioso trainee but they made-a me work in-a the mail room. And other jobs worse-a than that. And I'm a graduate of the Mafia Training School!"

Dennis Miller: That's it? That's--? That's all you have to say? Just that? That they didn't pay you enough for--?

Mr. X: They did - They did pay me three hundred dollars -- for one week. But then they lowered my salary. They gave me less just because of one little mistake. So that was it. One little mistake.

Dennis Miller: Well, what was the mistake?

Mr. X: Well, I took a-- First-a job they gave me was as a chauffeur. And it wasn't -was not a chauffeur for Don Tartuffe, was a chauffeur for his wife, Mrs. Tartuffe. She had to go to this lodge meeting. Eleanor Duse-a Lodge. She said that she would be one hour -- one hour only, that's it. I waited for more than an hour. I went for just a cup o' coffee. You know what I mean? I come back. She was-a gone. All of the women was gone. And I thought, I gotta go home and tell Don Tartuffe, you know, that I lost his wife. Maybe she would-a be kidnapped, I didn't know what happened.

Dennis Miller: Well, was she kidnapped? I mean, what happened?

Mr. X: No. She was-a home. She took a cab home. She left without me! That's what-a she did. She said I didn't wait for her. She didn't wait for ME!

Dennis Miller: I'll bet you Don Tartuffe was mad.

Mr. X: No, no, he was not mad at all. Was unbelievable. He was-a very calm, you know? He just looks at me, he says, "What time do you get to work in-a the morning?" I said, "Oh, ten, ten-thirty, eleven o'clock," you know, right in there. He says to me, "Tomorrow, I want you here at eight o'clock. And," he says to me, "And -- wear old clothes." They made me assistant for the gardener! And then he made me clean out his garage and I'm a graduate of the Mafia Training School. That's what-a they did to me.

Dennis Miller: Wait a second, X. That's it? I thought you were gonna name names here.

Mr. X: I could name-a names. Giorgio the Face. I name him by name. He's the right hand of Don Tartuffe. Giorgio the Face, write that down, Giorgio the Face.

Dennis Miller: [can't find his pencil right away] Mafia stole my pen. What - what about him? Did you - did you see him commit any crime? Did he do somethin'?

Mr. X: Well, Dennis, he push-a me. Two times, two times he push-a. Not one time. Two times. And, another time, he hollers at me in front of all of the other men and everything, he hollers at me.

Dennis Miller: Now, Mr. X, I just don't think these people are terribly interested in your personal problems. I mean, come on, how's about this recent murder? Do you know anything about that?

Mr. X: I seen it.

Dennis Miller: You saw it? You were a witness? You were there?

Mr. X: No, I wasn't there. I seen it on television. It was on all of the stations. All of the-- And I seen it on Nightline. Ted Koppel. I name him by name -- Ted Koppel. Was his name. Red hair. Put that down.

Dennis Miller: Koppel with a "K," right, hm? Come on, Mr. X, I think we all saw it on television. I thought perhaps you had some inside information. Maybe you know why he was killed, huh?

Mr. X: Why?

Dennis Miller: Yeah, why.

Mr. X: Sure, I know why.

Dennis Miller: Well, what's the story?

Mr. X: Somebody was mad at him. Somebody was mad and then they shoot him. That's what it was.

Dennis Miller: Yeah. Well, thank you, Mr. X. I'm sure we all feel a little more informed on the pressing facts. Thank you for your knowledge.

Mr. X: Giorgio the Face, remember that!

Dennis Miller: [writes it down] Giorgio the Face.

Mr. X: Giorgio the Face!

[Cheers and applause for Mr. X.]

Dennis Miller: Mr. X. Mr. X, a veritable fount of Mafia information.

This just in: Godot finally showed up. ... He was rude and we asked him to leave. ...

Well, that's the news. And guess what? I'm out o' here. Have a merry Christmas. Thank you very much.

[Cheers, applause and John Williams' theme from the 1978 movie "Superman" as we pull back and fade away.]


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