Herb Makes A Statement

.....Dennis Miller
Herb.....Randy Quaid



[ open on a crowd people chanting "We Want Herb!!" at a press conference ]

Dennis Miller: We're here, live, at New York's Sheraton Center for a press conference, called by Burger King, where the legendary Herb will make his first public appearance. There's an air of excitement here, as we all wait for Herb - yes, the mysterious Herb, the only man in America who's never had a Burger King Whopper. Here he comes.. let's watch!

[ Herb is wheeled out in a wheelchair by Burger King officals, who hand him a microphone ]

[ SUPER: "Herb" ]

Herb: Hello, my name is Herb. I have asked for the opportunity to address you toda,y so that I can set the record straight as to why I have never had a Burger King Whopper.

[ reads text ]

"About 12 years ago, I made my first visit ever to a fast food restaurant, in this case, a competitor of Burger King. I had been playing basketball all morning, and had worked up quite an appetite, so I ordered a large Coke, fries, and a special cheeseburger. I had no problem with the fries or the Coke, but when I bit into the cheeseburger, my body went into a severe state of anaflectic shock; an extreme allergic reaction to the glue, which this particular fast food chain used to hold its hamburgers together during lengthy cross-country shipping. When I awoke in the hospital several hours later, I was informed by the doctors that I would be confined to a wheelchair, probably for life. Ever since that experience, I have felt uncomfortable about eating at any fast food restaurant, and have suffered from a phobia, probably unwarranted, that my first bite of a Whopper might prove fatal. It is for this reason, and this reason alone, that I have never had a Burger King Whopper. I wish to stress that I bear the fast food industry no ill will for what has happened to me. I have the highest regard for the Burger King Corporation, and understand that Burger King is involved in many worthwhile civic projects. I do ask, however, that in the name of simple decency, that I be spared the incessant negative publicity and invasion of my privacy, which their advertising campaign has generated, and that I be allowed to live out the remainder of my life in peace. Taht is all I have to say, thank you for listening.

[ camera pans out across the reporters, as Herb is wheeled away ]

Dennis Miller: Well, uh.. there you have it folks.. Herb. The only man in America who hs never had a.. Burger King Whopper. [ a note is handed to Dennis ] Well, this just in.. [ reads note ] Well, here's some good news - "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"


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