Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 11: Episode 7




85g: Harry Dean Stanton / Dream Academy, The Replacements

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

.....Dennis Miller

Announcer: Now, "Weekend Update", with anchorperson Dennis Miller.

Dennis Miller: Thank you. Thank you very much. You know, I’m not an anchorperson, but I play one on TV. So here’s the news. Tonight’s top story...

President Reagan had three small polyps removed from his colon yesterday. Doctors say they are quote, “clinically benign.” However, there was a fourth growth in Mr. Reagan colon, which had been causing his extreme pain in his posterior region.

[ BLURRY IMAGE IS DISPLAYED ON THE NEWS SCREEN. ]

As these blurred, magnified colonoscopic pictures reveal, it was, at first, a blurred unidentifiable mass.

[ IMAGE BECOMES LESS BLURRED ]

Upon closer examination, it turned to be magnified many times as the President’s most painful polyp yet.

[ PHOTO OF LIBYAN PRESIDENT MUAMMAR GADDAFI ]

A tad flaky, too.

[ PHOTO OF BERT CONVY ]

Incidentally, pre-production has begun on the movie biography of Col. Gaddafi and he’ll be played by popular game show host Bert Convy. [ pause ] I think it’s a breakthrough part for Bert.

[ NEWSPAPER GRAPHIC OF SUBWAY SHOOTER BERNARD GOETZ: “BERNARD GOETZ GETS OFF” ]

The big news in New York is about Bernard Goetz. And this “Daily News” headline says it all. Things do go full-circle, because if I’m not mistaken, this is the same headline they used the night of the shooting.

[ ABC NETWORK LOGO ]

ABC’s recent takeover by Capital Cities announced plans to send drug-sniffing dogs into the offices to enforce its anti-drug policy. Sounds like grandstanding to me. Here at NBC, our parent company RCA has had a drug-sniffing pooch for years.

[ RCA NIPPER LOGO ]

This week, Nicaragua & El Salvador formed an alliance for the expressed purpose of suing Libya for keeping them off the front page of newspapers.

Tragedy struck the slopes of Mt. Rainier in the state of Washington today when a lost mountain climber had to eat the people who were rescuing him to stay alive. Anything goes above the timber line…

Here’s our weekly roundup of the world’s troubled spots: the Iran-Iraq border, the South Africa-Zimbabwe border. Of course, Uganda, Syria-Israel-Lebanon conflict, and lastly, Jerry Lee Lewis’ current marriage.

[ PHOTO OF NASA’S COLUMBIA SHUTTLE ]

The troubled and plagued mission of the space shuttle Columbia finally ended this morning when the craft landed in Steven Spielberg’s backyard in Beverly Hills. Spielberg, who recently bought NASA, had no comment.

[ PHOTO OF FIRST FAMILY’S PET REX ]

The Reagan’s King Charles spaniel Rex had surgery this week at a Washington veterinary hospital. It was a tonsillectomy and required a general anesthetic.

[ PHOTO OF VICE PRESIDENT BUSH ]

Rex was accompanied to the hospital by Vice President George Bush, who stood by in case of an emergency, requiring the standard transference of power in such situations.

[ BLURRY PHOTO OF GEORGE HAMILTON ]

Biblical archaeologists working in the Sudan this week, uncovered what they believe to by the uncovered shroud of George Hamilton’s tan. A spokesman for the Our Lady of Our Band of Soleil said that the authentication process will take place in late February near the poolside of the MGM Grand.

[ PHOTO OF JOHN ASTIN & PATTY DUKE ]

Patty Duke, recently divorced from John “Gomez” Astin, was remarried this week. The actress, who won an Oscar for her performance in “The Miracle Worker” -- [ PHOTO OF LURCH FROM “THE ADDAMS FAMILY” ] exchanged vows with Lurch in a private ceremony.

[ THE MATHEMATICAL (PI) SYMBOL ]

Tonight’s winning lottery number is Pi.

[ Audience goes in uproarious laughter. ]

I like that one, too. If you have a ticket with Pi, and it figures out to infinity, bring it on down! Because we pay out to 3.14 to 6-1. Okay?

The New England Association of Summer Camps predicts next summer’s most popular camp song will be “Maria Shriver-Schwarzenegger-Jingleheimerschmidt.”

Here’s the holiday schedule in observation of Martin Luther King Jr. birthday. The following will be closed: government offices, post offices, libraries, schools, banks, parts of Palm Beach, Florida and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina.

A bus crashed in Ecuador today, leaving 30,000 dead, 15,000 injured and 200,000 homeless.

For a printed transcript of the preceding joke, send three dollars to:

“The Preceding Joke”
Saturday Night Live
Washington, D.C. 20001

Dennis Miller: Well listen, folks! That’s the news & I am outta here! Good night ladies and gentlemen!

[ FADE ]


Submitted by: Cody Downs


SNL Transcripts




| Time Warner Cable | Cable TV Providers | Charter Cable